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Well we have been in constant contact via email, I used to call but it was always me calling so I stopped back around May 2015. Out of the blue in April she called me and left a VM about her break up.
I feel like people have to realize that there's something other than their wedding or their children's weddings. You can't just expect us to drop everything for them.
Yes, I got the actual printed invite in late May, the cutoff date to RSVP was 7/31. The wedding is in late August. I sent it back to the daughter on 7/5. I emailed my friend about the cost and said I would send them a card and a gift card.
Yes, I agree. I realize it is a big day for them, this couple has been living together for 5 years, my friend was also very annoyed that the ex-husband (father of the bride) isn't paying for the wedding. He told them a couple of years ago he wouldn't because they have been living together(not a moral judgement he and my friend lived together) but he wouldn't do it, this is a big formal wedding.
But people should understand and be gracious. In all these months she never asked about if I could come, or even said anything about the distance. [/quote]
I also have a problem with a couple who have been living together for 5 years to expect a big wedding. If you have been living together that long and you finally decide to make it legal that is GREAT, go down to the courthouse or have a simple ceremony in a garden somewhere. and then the couple can treat their CLOSE friends to a simple dinner somewhere.
But brides today want the big ceremony and the dress and all the trimmings. Well if that's what they want they should have thought about that before living together.
I personally would never spend $2000 to attend a wedding where the couple have already been living together. It's stupid and a waste of money. She doesn't sound like a friend you need to have in your life. Perhaps she was upset over the breakup of the latest boyfriend but that doesn't give her an excuse to be snippy with you.
Say arriverderci to this friend. You won't be losing anything.
All threads about wedding on all forums I've ever been on seem to turn into ugly accusations of gift grab and moral judgements about personal lifestyle choices.
The fact that the couple has been living together, who is paying for the wedding, the size of the reception, etc. has nothing to do with the OP at all and is none of her/our business.
Comments about gifts--I see no evidence posted that there is gift grab. You give/receive gifts regardless of attendance at a wedding.
Social invitations are not subpoenas. Either she accepts or declines. She doesn't have to give a reason even. It is really as simple as that.
The consequences of unfulfilled nonexistent "obligations" to attend is the responsibility of mother of the bride. She is responsible for her own feelings caused by turning disappointment into an imaginary slight.
Comments about gifts--I see no evidence posted that there is gift grab. You give/receive gifts regardless of attendance at a wedding.
Yes, a wedding is a gift grab - by your own admission: "You give/receive gifts regardless of attendance at a wedding":
I.e., if someone you barely know invites you to a wedding & they know it will be difficult for you to attend (i.e., if you live halfway across the country - as in the OP's case), then as far as I'm concerned they're doing it because they want you to send a gift. I.e., they know you probably won't attend the wedding, but they're inviting you so you will feel obligated to send a gift. I hate this type of thing.
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 07-17-2016 at 08:49 AM..
I would send a gift. The daughter was polite and she sent a thank you for the graduation check. Somehow, she appeared to turn out OK - and no doubt could tell horrendous stories about her attention-grabbing, whining mother.
I agree with others - I think you were supposed to be the date, so she could look good since her on-line bf bailed. Not your responsibility. Do something nice for yourself that day, instead.
Both her son and daughter turned out well. I give her credit for that.
But another example the son like me lives out west, he had time off at Christmas and decided to go skiing with friends, when the told her he wasn't coming to MA for Christmas she told him he didn't have a choice...LOL. He is 25 years old, he ended up not going to MA for Christmas. I think he did it to send a message. Very controlling personality.
Yes, think the date part could be it, but no mention by her of that all these months.
Thank you for your comments.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imagineAA
All threads about wedding on all forums I've ever been on seem to turn into ugly accusations of gift grab and moral judgements about personal lifestyle choices.
The fact that the couple has been living together, who is paying for the wedding, the size of the reception, etc. has nothing to do with the OP at all and is none of her/our business.
Comments about gifts--I see no evidence posted that there is gift grab. You give/receive gifts regardless of attendance at a wedding.
Social invitations are not subpoenas. Either she accepts or declines. She doesn't have to give a reason even. It is really as simple as that.
The consequences of unfulfilled nonexistent "obligations" to attend is the responsibility of mother of the bride. She is responsible for her own feelings caused by turning disappointment into an imaginary slight.
I didn't say it was my business about how large their wedding is or not. I was explaining the situation to illustrate how she got annoyed when the ex-husband wouldn't pay for the wedding. This is someone who wants things her way all the time. Life doesn't work like that.
You're right, it's an invite not a court order. What you don't seem to get is there are people who are difficult and when you just say "sorry can't make it", don't let it go. So it's not always that simple, you make everything sound black and white, that's not always how life is.
You're talking about a reasonable person, who would be gracious and just say "sorry you can't make it" or add in " I realize coming from CA to MA for a wedding is a lot of expense and effort to go through"....that's not who I am dealing with, unfortunately.
I said in my email to her that I would be sending a card with a gift card, and I will. Not going to take it out on the daughter and her husband to be, due to the mother's outrageous attitude.
This is really not about you at all. It's about her sadness that everyone's life is moving on and hers isnt (her boyfriend who dumped her, her daughter getting married, her ex husband being married again. You were a constant presence in her life for many years and she realizes you have moved on too.
Weddings are really hard on some people because it's a symbol of transition.
It seems this is really eating you up so you should probably talk to her about how you feel.
If she couldn't pick up the phone and talk, personally inviting you to stay with her, etc. chalk it all up to her loss.
Agree, the only time she picked up the phone was in April to talk about the guy who dumped her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
This is really not about you at all. It's about her sadness that everyone's life is moving on and hers isnt (her boyfriend who dumped her, her daughter getting married, her ex husband being married again. You were a constant presence in her life for many years and she realizes you have moved on too.
Weddings are really hard on some people because it's a symbol of transition.
It seems this is really eating you up so you should probably talk to her about how you feel.
Well I know it's not about me....LOL. It's always about her.
I can see what you're saying, but the daughter and boyfriend have been living together for 5 years, they will go to the same apt. they're currently in after the wedding. Not much changing there, it's not like they're moving away.
After her divorce she had a live in boyfriend who after a few years, just walked out. I can think of several people who have dropped her in regards to friends. Always has had issues at work with someone at her various jobs.
I may be a constant presence but I am a long distant one, I'm in CA and she is in MA. The last time we saw each other was 2008. Before that 2001.
I do think I will tell her in an email that she was rude and is being ridiculous. A reasonable person would understand why someone doesn't want to spend a lot of money to fly in for a long weekend. This is someone who couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and say hello every once in awhile, called once(I used to call but I stopped over a year ago as it was always me doing the calling) only because the guy dumped her.
You want a "friend" to fly across the country for your daughter's wedding, which will cost them over $2,000 for a long weekend, than trying treating the friend right.
Yes I realize the couple is already established and has been. Weddings make things feel different, transitional. I have seen women react to these things. However I recommend you speak to her by phone rather than email.
Interesting that you seem to think of this as a somewhat distant relationship because my reaction to having a daily email correspondence with someone is wow this must be a close relationship. I don't speak to my closest friends daily, by email or otherwise. And my friends and I NEVER talk by phone. We always email. Clearly your friend sees you as her best friend or pseudo brother or something to initiate that much contact! Good luck.
This took me a long time and a lot of heated discussions to finally learn, but the best thing you can do with some people is a simple "Sorry, I can't attend". No explanation, justification, trying to get them to see understand where you're coming from - it's just bait for them to lay into you.
And yes, weddings (and funerals) seem to bring out the crazy in people.
I'm not surprised by this reaction (this is someone who can be difficult) but at the same time dumbfounded.
We met in college in the early 80s, I live in CA and they're in MA. The last time I saw my friend and her kids was in 2008. The time before that was 2001.
For a long time I have felt the friendship was one sided. I was the one calling, so I stopped calling over a year ago. We have contact through email.
She actually called me in April and left a VM on my cell phone, I was so shocked to hear from her I thought at first her elderly mother must have passed(who I know and is a very nice woman). No, she was calling about ending her relationship with a guy she met through online dating about 6 months ago. We're in our 50s.
Anyway the wedding website invite was sent in January. She never asked "do you think you can make it, I know it's a big trip" or "you must come for at least a week and you know you can stay with me", nothing like that. In mid June I got an email asking me if I wanted to stay with her or at the one of the bed and breakfasts close to wear the wedding is. Well since she lives nowhere close to the wedding location, I took that to mean "I will see you Saturday at the wedding".....LOL.
I crunched the numbers and between airfare, car rental, B&B,etc it's at least $2,000. That's a lot for me to spend for what is a long weekend. I told my "friend" this and she got an attitude. Saying she told me I could stay with her and she would get me at the airport....sorry, this was never discussed. Well the last email I got from her ended with "your loss".....LOL.
I didn't respond to her email which was sent a few days ago, so I'm getting the silent treatment as she usually emails me daily(at least during the week).
I am torn between just ignoring her for now, or sending her an email and telling her I don't appreciate her tone and quit being so childish.
What gets me is in 2013 my dad had just passed after a long illness, I was dealing with that and packing up his house to sell. Her son ran into some trouble and she called me and asked since I was the person he was the nearest(geography wise) could he come stay with me for a week or so as things got sorted out. I really didn't need company at that time, but being a friend I said yes, it ended up not happening.
To me a friend is someone who can help you when you need help, which I was willing to do with her son. And a friend should understand if you can't make a social event like a wedding, when it involves long distance travel and big expenses.
Thoughts?
People get reallllllly stupid and selfish when it comes to their weddings. A friend did something similar a few years back. I had been in LA a decade, and this guy with a stable job and no kids making between 45k and 75k all that time, he still never made one trip after tons of promises. Now I get a wedding invite to get to NYC from CA. I told him most likely its not happening as I pretty much live in another country considering the distance and financially its not a good time. I havent heard from him since.
I put every other friend/associate on notice after that..."I'm not traveling for weddings. And don't feel bad if I don't get an invite to the local ones either. Love u all"
The funny thing I'm hearing from the grapevine now is the guy can't stand his in laws and the marriage is on the rocks but he don't wanna bail becuz there's a kid in the house now. I laugh from a distance
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