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Old 07-15-2016, 08:11 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,591,450 times
Reputation: 33226

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I'm not surprised by this reaction (this is someone who can be difficult) but at the same time dumbfounded.

We met in college in the early 80s, I live in CA and they're in MA. The last time I saw my friend and her kids was in 2008. The time before that was 2001.

For a long time I have felt the friendship was one sided. I was the one calling, so I stopped calling over a year ago. We have contact through email.

She actually called me in April and left a VM on my cell phone, I was so shocked to hear from her I thought at first her elderly mother must have passed(who I know and is a very nice woman). No, she was calling about ending her relationship with a guy she met through online dating about 6 months ago. We're in our 50s.

Anyway the wedding website invite was sent in January. She never asked "do you think you can make it, I know it's a big trip" or "you must come for at least a week and you know you can stay with me", nothing like that. In mid June I got an email asking me if I wanted to stay with her or at the one of the bed and breakfasts close to wear the wedding is. Well since she lives nowhere close to the wedding location, I took that to mean "I will see you Saturday at the wedding".....LOL.

I crunched the numbers and between airfare, car rental, B&B,etc it's at least $2,000. That's a lot for me to spend for what is a long weekend. I told my "friend" this and she got an attitude. Saying she told me I could stay with her and she would get me at the airport....sorry, this was never discussed. Well the last email I got from her ended with "your loss".....LOL.

I didn't respond to her email which was sent a few days ago, so I'm getting the silent treatment as she usually emails me daily(at least during the week).

I am torn between just ignoring her for now, or sending her an email and telling her I don't appreciate her tone and quit being so childish.

What gets me is in 2013 my dad had just passed after a long illness, I was dealing with that and packing up his house to sell. Her son ran into some trouble and she called me and asked since I was the person he was the nearest(geography wise) could he come stay with me for a week or so as things got sorted out. I really didn't need company at that time, but being a friend I said yes, it ended up not happening.

To me a friend is someone who can help you when you need help, which I was willing to do with her son. And a friend should understand if you can't make a social event like a wedding, when it involves long distance travel and big expenses.

Thoughts?
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Old 07-15-2016, 08:27 PM
 
2,502 posts, read 1,402,288 times
Reputation: 5336
This woman is no friend to you. She's an entitled douche. Screw her.

If I were you, I would stop all contact with her - don't respond to her phone calls, e-mails, etc. If she continues contacting you, tell her to go f##@ herself.

I hate weddings, and stopped going to them years ago. I don't even attend relatives' weddings these days.
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Old 07-15-2016, 08:39 PM
 
1,330 posts, read 1,220,237 times
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You don't owe her anything. She sounds like more trouble than she's worth. Let the relationship go.
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Old 07-15-2016, 09:44 PM
Status: "If you can't stand the heat....stop spewing hate" (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Suburb of Chicago
17,218 posts, read 8,486,762 times
Reputation: 17998
I think it's always best for good friends to give one another the benefit of the doubt. So.....

Remember she may be disappointed, rather than mad, you aren't going to attend.
She may be stressed out right now about the wedding.
You cannot pick up on tone and inflection with an email.

I wouldn't get back to her to say you didn't appreciate the tone of her email. I would just wait and see if you hear from her next week. It wouldn't further things in emailing it and could make things worse.

If she's a good friend, she'll come to understand you just can't afford the expense at this time, even if she's disappointed or hurt now.
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Old 07-16-2016, 12:37 AM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
16,600 posts, read 20,344,873 times
Reputation: 30521
I dunno. I think you're the fall-back guy (I've always assumed you're a man, but sometimes i get that wrong). You're the guy she goes to when her other relationships are over. You're the guy she goes to when she needs something. She always just expects you to be there when she needs you.

Whether or not you stayed with her for the wedding, it still would have cost you a bundle!

I just am guessing that she didn't want to go without a date, and you're the fall-back guy, and she's a self-centered brat who never thinks twice about anyone else's needs, and expects everyone to put up with her and cater to her whims and moods.

Which of course, explains why the last guy left LOL.

This isn't a real friendship. Whether you are male or female, all of the above still applies - except for you being her male date. But, I don't think this is a friend worth keeping. Sorry to say, it happens to the best of us - that we realize after holding on to a friendship sometimes simply because it's been there so long - that it's not worth keeping anymore.
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Old 07-16-2016, 02:06 AM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,236 posts, read 13,500,341 times
Reputation: 25856
Sounds to me like she's suddenly popped up because she wants something. And anybody who can't understand why someone else can't squander two grand for a trip either has too much money of her own or is too self-absorbed. This is a crappy time and way for her to come around after all these years. And, besides, now that she doesn't have her man in the picture now gives her time for you?


Something really doesn't sound right. Blow it off.
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Old 07-16-2016, 05:09 AM
 
15,614 posts, read 9,143,927 times
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on my iPad - quoting and such can be grrrr - apologies
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Anyway the wedding website invite was sent in January. She never asked "do you think you can make it, I know it's a big trip" or "you must come for at least a week and you know you can stay with me", nothing like that. In mid June I got an email asking me if I wanted to stay with her or at the one of the bed and breakfasts close to wear the wedding is. Well since she lives nowhere close to the wedding location, I took that to mean "I will see you Saturday at the wedding".....LOL.

we don't know when the wedding is. By June had you rsvpd to attend or not responded at all?You say right here that she invited you to stay with her. You assume she meant see you at the wedding but that might not be what she intended - maybe she expected you to stay with her but wanted you to have an option.

I crunched the numbers and between airfare, car rental, B&B,etc it's at least $2,000. That's a lot for me to spend for what is a long weekend. I told my "friend" this and she got an attitude. Saying she told me I could stay with her and she would get me at the airport....sorry, this was never discussed. Well the last email I got from her ended with "your loss".....LOL.
you should crunch the numbers before saying you'll attend - unclear if you ever RSVPd. Also there seems to be a lot left out between too much $$ and "your loss" - maybe both of you were getting snippy?
I didn't respond to her email which was sent a few days ago, so I'm getting the silent treatment as she usually emails me daily(at least during the week).
she probably feels she's getting the silent treatment and that she deserves a response.
I am torn between just ignoring her for now, or sending her an email and telling her I don't appreciate her tone and quit being so childish.
go with whichever has worked in the past with her - this isn't your first rift is it? Me, I'd probably choose option three and extend an olive branch saying I wanted to keep our friendship (if you do - maybe you're done)
To me a friend is someone who can help you when you need help, which I was willing to do with her son. And a friend should understand if you can't make a social event like a wedding, when it involves long distance travel and big expenses.
absolutely agree. I wouldn't be going to that wedding either - and that friend should understand. Send a great gift and card if you want.

Curious how she responded when your dad died? All we know is that she needed you for something during that time. Was she there for you about your loss? To me, the wedding stuff is whatevs - you both seem a little touchy about it. But the stuff around when your dad died is pretty crummy on her part - especially if she wasn't being a supportive friend. If so, then I get your wedding reaction and probably would've left her back in 2013
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Old 07-16-2016, 05:27 AM
 
2,993 posts, read 1,190,135 times
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This whole situation seems very bizarre to me. I see you got the wedding email in January, but did you ever get a real invitation? It seems odd it would just be assumed you are attending when you haven't even gotten an official invitation and RSVPed. Is it still too far in advance for the real invite to be sent out? I know they're usually sent out not too far in advance but for cross-country guests the plans may need to be made more than 6 weeks ahead of time.

People can get crazy when it comes to weddings. I had a friend like that once. She sent me a save-the-date for a destination wedding 12+ hours from me and I told her I would not be able to attend due to the distance and cost. She then got annoyed with me for not sending my address for the actual invite, even though I got the save the date just fine and had not indicated to her that I'd moved. During the interim, all she'd talk about was the wedding and prior to the engagement, all she'd talk about was how her boyfriend was a deadbeat. Needless to say, it was time for us to end that friendship of over a decade.

I feel like people have to realize that there's something other than their wedding or their children's weddings. You can't just expect us to drop everything for them.
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Old 07-16-2016, 05:27 AM
 
1,638 posts, read 2,464,992 times
Reputation: 2693
Ehhh, you said this doesn't surprise you. So there you go. Maybe take this as a chance to finally end the friendship. She seems needy and upset she can't control you.

It's hilarious how much people think their/their kids wedding is the absolute freaking event of the century that NOBODY would miss for the world, no matter how far the travel or how expensive the ticket.
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Old 07-16-2016, 05:39 AM
 
1,040 posts, read 811,423 times
Reputation: 2794
You're never obliged to attend a social event/wedding. I would just ignore her behavior for now and then address it if it happens again.

Incidentally, maybe it is just me, but I am not following you on the "staying together was never discussed" thing. It sounds like it was, just not at the time the invitation was mailed, which makes total sense.

The ride from the airport is a minor expense in the context of the whole weekend, so it's not as though that would have made or broke the deal, right?

Quote:
In mid June I got an email asking me if I wanted to stay with her or at the one of the bed and breakfasts close to wear the wedding is.
Quote:
Saying she told me I could stay with her and she would get me at the airport....sorry, this was never discussed.
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