My sister and I do not get along, now it's affecting my relationships with other family members (person, children)
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What's stopping you from calling your dad and scheduling a time to visit by yourself?
I've tried this as well, but he will not say no to any of us if we call and ask to come and see him. He will not stay over night at anyone's house unless he absolutely has to, so getting him to come and stay will not happen. I have tried to tell him I want to spend time with just him and unless I know she has other plans it hasn't happened. Even when she has other plans she will sometimes change them and still come, almost like she is afraid if I am alone with him. We are all professionals, and financially independent with stable home lives. She has told me she feels like she has to protect him, but when I have asked her from what she is not able to or will not tell me why. There is a lot of jealousy on her part because I was a lot younger and she feels I have been given everything on a silver platter. I am and have admitted to both Julie and Stacy that I am jealous of their close relationship. Things were very different for them when they were little, my parents were only married for less than a year when they were born and only my dad worked. When I was born both my parents were working and it was 10 years later.
When I do go to see our dad Julie is always there and acts like she owns the place.
I have a SIL that is exactly like this. She's 42 and has mostly always lived at home totally supported by her/my husband's parents. She's extremely overweight and a chain smoker so her health isn't good, and she rarely leaves the house. When I married into the family, she would try to start trouble and establish dominance by being incredibly passive aggressive. I asked my in-laws what I should do, and they just said she had long ago been diagnosed with a 'behavior disorder,' and currently sees a psychiatrist once a week. She tends to think others are out to get her, and gets into conflicts (i.e. Doctors, hairdressers, clerks etc) often. Anyway, she has no friends or social outlets so she would always tag along when we would get together with my husband's parents. Always. She became even more territorial, controlling, and dominant as if she was the gatekeeper when my MIL eventually got ill. She was rude, provoking, and passive aggressive to me, and the family just kind of shrugged it off like nothing could be done. My husband tried confronting her, and she screamed at him. If I tried to help out with my MIL, she would find some reason to become offended or outraged. It was no win. She was often angry with the nursing home staff over one thing or another. I think she's a borderline sociopath as she then tries to enact revenge on anyone she perceives has crossed her!
Solution? My husband and I didn't want her causing problems in our marriage, and we didn't want to stop visiting his parents, and so I now take a low dose anti-anxiety pill every time I have to go. This works like a charm! I might sip a glass of wine during the visit. I find these visits now tolerable as I at least get to look forward to my wine or little pill (husband drives home), and I can comfortably ignore her presence. Sometimes, you just have to work around difficult family members realizing they will never change, and do what you've got to do to get through it!
If your father doesnt get involved, then no one keeps you from seeing your father but you. And never bring your sisters name into conversations with Dad, he can't fix it. Plan time with him without family.
Sorry, but it really is that simple.
If your father doesnt get involved, then no one keeps you from seeing your father but you. And never bring your sisters name into conversations with Dad, he can't fix it. Plan time with him without family.
Sorry, but it really is that simple.
It is not that simple when she is there all the time, and so whether I bring her name up or not, it doesn't matter because she takes over conversations. My aunts and uncles can see it and have tried to talk to my dad as well and nothing has changed. I do go without my family sometimes, but they also like to see their grandpa and cousins as well. When I say I have tried everything I can, I am serious. Last year Labor Day weekend she was to be helping a friend move and changed her plans and only helped for part of the weekend and she showed up. So I try to go when she is not there, but seriously she often will show up part through the time we have "scheduled" or planned.
It is not that simple when she is there all the time, and so whether I bring her name up or not, it doesn't matter because she takes over conversations. My aunts and uncles can see it and have tried to talk to my dad as well and nothing has changed. I do go without my family sometimes, but they also like to see their grandpa and cousins as well. When I say I have tried everything I can, I am serious. Last year Labor Day weekend she was to be helping a friend move and changed her plans and only helped for part of the weekend and she showed up. So I try to go when she is not there, but seriously she often will show up part through the time we have "scheduled" or planned.
Maybe you have to be extra creative. If she likes to sleep in, meet your dad for breakfast. You may even need to take a vacation day during the school year, while she is working, and spend it with your dad. If she works in a different school district than your children perhaps you can visit dad/grandpa on one of their days off. If Julie discovers that you are there and suddenly calls in sick to her job to rush over to Dad's house you will know that this is much more serious that you originally thought.
Even if Dad refuses to come, you can invite Stacy & her family to your house, so at least the cousins can spend time together.
Sorry, but those are my only ideas.
PS. How old is Julie? She is acting pretty childishly. Could there be some reason that she feels that dad needs protecting from you? Is she worried that he will change his will or loan you money? Or does he have some health problems that you have not been told about?
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-25-2016 at 04:05 PM..
Reason: added PS.
Has your Mom died- is that why she can't say something? Is your father agoraphobic?
Have you asked Stacey to talk to Julia or at least to find out why she is so protective of your father?
Is Julia not married or have a boyfriend or any relationship that will keep her from spending time with your father?
You might have to tolerate her presence at your fathers home while you are there or take time off of work during the school year to have alone time with him (or do you think that she would be rushing up there every evening to prevent this?).
Don't feel bad. I got 2 sisters who took out their hatred towards our father on me because he couldn't take the constant useless haranguing from my mom and he abandoned the family when we were all teens.
They never got a chance to vent their anger on daddy about that, so guess who had to take that gunk from daddy's hurt daughters?
A load of psycho crud since over 45 years ago. Needless to say, I don't even talk to them anymore. They need serious psychiatric help, and I am sorry to have to tell them that I am not their daddy. Only their brother who had absolutely nothing to do with our father's decision to leave.
Your sister sounds like a bossy witch, and determined to try to exclude you from the family. Was this caused by anything in the past, or do you just have non-compatible personalities? Your relationship with your dad sounds very one sided, from what you wrote he is completely passive and leaves all the effort up to you? Does he have any interest in having a relationship with you, does he contact you when he hasn't heard from you in a while?
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