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So I have this friend. We've been friends for about 4 years now and we're going to be moving into a house in October (friend #3 is already in contract and we're gonna live with him and pay rent).
This friend has recently started making constant negative comments about me. At first I was just like "wow, that's kinda weird that he just brought me up when I was irrelevant." Now it's starting to sound like he has a weird obsession with me.
He'll talk to someone else while I'm within earshot and the conversation will go like this:
Random Person: "Are you good at grammar?"
Friend: "Yes!"
Random Person: "Could you help me understand this?"
Friend: "Sure, but Skyl3r probably couldn't because he sucks at grammar."
He does this probably 3-4 times every time I'm with him. "Skyl3r sucks at grammar," "You could probably beat Skyl3r at that game because he sucks," "Why hasn't Skyl3r shaved his beard yet? It's weird!" "Sorry that girl said no to you, but Skyl3r is gay; so he'll probably never be with a girl!" (I'm straight)
All I keep thinking is:
Why does he care so much?
Why is he obsessed with how good or bad I am at things?
Why does he care if I like my beard?
In the end, the real question is: what's an appropriate nonaggressive way to bring this up and/or resolve it?
Yeah, this is the weird part. Normally, I ignore it. Then after he does it a few times I'll ask why he keeps bringing me up. This normally ends up with him saying "well, it's true. You're an *******."
When it's just me and him we get along quite well, which makes me think there's some sort of ego thing at play.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick
My real question is: Why on earth are you planning to live with someone like that?
Yes, I understand and I've been on the fence about this. The issue here is two part. The house isn't going to be mine or his. It's going to be another one of our friends (it's just the three of us). The house is basically everything we hoped for. Plenty of personal space for each of us. A large garage for car work. A big backyard.
If I don't take this opportunity, I probably won't get another opportunity to do something like this until I can afford it on my own; which is a little depressing after having planned on this for 6 months or so now.
Yeah, this is the weird part. Normally, I ignore it. Then after he does it a few times I'll ask why he keeps bringing me up. This normally ends up with him saying "well, it's true. You're an *******."
When it's just me and him we get along quite well, which makes me think there's some sort of ego thing at play.
Yes, I understand and I've been on the fence about this. The issue here is two part. The house isn't going to be mine or his. It's going to be another one of our friends (it's just the three of us). The house is basically everything we hoped for. Plenty of personal space for each of us. A large garage for car work. A big backyard.
If I don't take this opportunity, I probably won't get another opportunity to do something like this until I can afford it on my own; which is a little depressing after having planned on this for 6 months or so now.
He's being a "mean girl". There's a reason why he's taking very passive aggressive potshots at you, we can't tell you why. Only he can. It does seem he's getting off on this and with your passive, delayed response, it's probably going to escalate more once you guys live together. Which brings to another question, would this opportunity be worth all that?
Short answer: I don't think, at this point, that there is a non-confrontational way to resolve this other than by walking away from the friendship. Asking him nicely to stop bullying you is probably just not going to work. He'll probably just make fun of you for being all emotional or "girly" or whatever and not being able to "handle" him "just giving you a hard time." That's just the sense I get. It seems like you're nice or normal to him and he just can't help but bully you.
If you continue to tolerate his behavior, chances are it is only going to get WORSE once you're living together. He seems to think you won't fight back or won't find a way to embarrass him in return, so he uses you for his amusement when other people are around. Maybe he thinks it makes him look like a boss to treat you poorly in front of other people and get away with it. It's very immature of him but there are plenty of immature people out there.
Anyway, if you let it persist, why would he stop at just a few comments here and there? He'll probably make more frequent and outlandish comments, start eating the food you buy, using things that belong to you, expecting you to clean up after him, not doing his share of the housework and blaming it on you or expecting you to do it, etc.
Having more space to work and play isn't going to be worth it if you have someone making you miserable. Some people might say stand up for yourself / fight back; others would say just move on and don't waste your time trying to teach an immature bully new manners.
Yeah, this is the weird part. Normally, I ignore it. Then after he does it a few times I'll ask why he keeps bringing me up. This normally ends up with him saying "well, it's true. You're an *******."
When it's just me and him we get along quite well, which makes me think there's some sort of ego thing at play.
Yes, I understand and I've been on the fence about this. The issue here is two part. The house isn't going to be mine or his. It's going to be another one of our friends (it's just the three of us). The house is basically everything we hoped for. Plenty of personal space for each of us. A large garage for car work. A big backyard. If I don't take this opportunity, I probably won't get another opportunity to do something like this until I can afford it on my own; which is a little depressing after having planned on this for 6 months or so now.
And the misery you'll be saddled with, not to mention the memories of all the money you'll have to spend, and the stress that will eat your gut alive to pick up the shattered pieces of this whole little adventure should really last a lifetime, huh?
Seriously - the cosmos does not always couch it's wisdom and warnings in arcane phrases and rituals, sometimes it hits you straight upside your thick head so you'll freakin' LISTEN! The cosmos seems, in this case, to be pretty clearly saying "ARE YOU NUTS?? This is a disaster waiting to happen!"
OP, this person is not your friend. It doesn't matter why; he simply isn't someone you can rely on to be loyal, obviously, which is one key aspect of friendship. Off the top of my head, I might guess he's intimidated by you in some way. But you shouldn't be moving into a living situation with him. Hopefully, you can bail on this arrangement, before you're stuck in a miserable situation. Good luck.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 08-19-2016 at 01:18 PM..
Yeah, this is the weird part. Normally, I ignore it. Then after he does it a few times I'll ask why he keeps bringing me up. This normally ends up with him saying "well, it's true. You're an *******."
.
Your response, "If that's how you feel, why do you hang out with me? Who does that?" Then cut him out of your life. And if he asks, after awhile, why he hasn't heard from you, or why you two haven't been hanging out together, tell him it's because you realized he's an *******.
Weird that you're going into a shared living situation with him. It'll be one put-down after another, when the homeowner is around. So much for this great opportunity that's coming up. If you think the thought of waiting some more, after saving for this for 6 months is depressing, wait until you've had to share living space with this jerk for a few weeks, not to mention--months, even years.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 08-19-2016 at 01:20 PM..
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