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Wow; thats terrible, OP! And how strange that you had not seen this side of her before. Poor baby girl; caramel skin is beautiful ... all children are beautiful.
So why was the favoritism OK before you knew the reason why? Why didn't you ask the aunt what was going on?
This is going to be as big as you make. If you want an all out war within the extended family for years, tearing everyone apart, you can do that.
Or you can take a few deep breaths and ask yourself: What will benefit my daughters, my husband and myself? Do you want to cut off all contact with this woman you viewed as a second mom? If she was a true vindictive racist, you and your daughters would have never been allowed in her house. She would have cut you off the minute she met your husband. Think about it.
Love the sinner, not the sin. This is a teachable moment and you are in a position to show a tremendous life lesson to your daughters. Choose your actions and your words wisely.
Sort of an odd POV here.
I don't have kids but anyone that acts in ways to actively denigrate my kids would be gone. See, that's the "life lesson" you mentioned here. Don't put up with that kind of BS.
I don't have kids but anyone that acts in ways to actively denigrate my kids would be gone. See, that's the "life lesson" you mentioned here. Don't put up with that kind of BS.
I don't have kids but anyone that acts in ways to actively denigrate my kids would be gone. See, that's the "life lesson" you mentioned here. Don't put up with that kind of BS.
The behavior was tolerated before the OP knew the reason. But now the favoritism is a problem? It doesn't make sense. The OP apparently didn't think the favoritism was a problem until she learned the reason.
And I tend to see the aunt's comment in the way the poster who made the fat/skinny comment does, that this is a beauty issue in the eyes of the aunt. Not saying it's right, not agreeing with the aunt's behavior ... but this can be dealt with in two ways. All-out family war or a sit down, honest, CALM discussion with the aunt to figure out where to go from here. This isn't an aunt from afar or somebody who yelled at them from the street... this is someone whom the OP loved as a mother figure.
Don't you think it is worth the effort to attempt to work it out and demonstrate TO HER DAUGHTERS how to deal with this specific issue of skin color? In a mature way? It is definitely a teachable moment for her. Her daughters are watching her every move right now. What does she want them to learn??? How about grownups do stupid things, admit they were wrong and apologize? How about this is how to calmly resolve an argument?
So why was the favoritism OK before you knew the reason why? Why didn't you ask the aunt what was going on?
This is going to be as big as you make. If you want an all out war within the extended family for years, tearing everyone apart, you can do that.
Or you can take a few deep breaths and ask yourself: What will benefit my daughters, my husband and myself? Do you want to cut off all contact with this woman you viewed as a second mom? If she was a true vindictive racist, you and your daughters would have never been allowed in her house. She would have cut you off the minute she met your husband. Think about it.
Love the sinner, not the sin. This is a teachable moment and you are in a position to show a tremendous life lesson to your daughters. Choose your actions and your words wisely.
I never knew the favoritism was going on until my daughters started crying after I picked them up. Until I found out what my aunt said. Prior to what my aunt said, both my daughters said they had noticed little things that displayed favoritism towards my eldest. But they didn't tell me about it until the day they started crying and told about what happened.
And it's all well and good saying "love the sinner, not the sin," but a lot of the times, it doesn't hold up in the real world. How will keeping my aunt away from my kids benefit them? Well, for starters, they won't be contemplating the notion that one of them is better than the other because of their differing skin colors. That skin tone somehow makes one superior or inferior. Even if she never said something like that again to my kids, I know they would be thinking about if they were alone with her. And they are far too young and innocent to be exposed to such damaging thoughts, whether they are directly spoken to them or whether they are contemplating. As I told another poster, colorism is a huge problem all over the world, particularly for females. And I just cannot run the risk of my kids being poisoned with it, even if it means breaking ties. I can't. I'm sorry.
Apparently putting up with BS, means tell every member of the extended family what a horrible person auntie is, start the tally of who is on who's side, draw the lines and destroy the family completely. Great idea. Happy life for everyone. And the girls will know that every time anyone is mean to them it's all about skin color. And they will harbor that anger for a lifetime.
I didn't say put up with BS> I said to see if it can be worked out. BIG difference.
The behavior was tolerated before the OP knew the reason. But now the favoritism is a problem? It doesn't make sense. The OP apparently didn't think the favoritism was a problem until she learned the reason.
And I tend to see the aunt's comment in the way the poster who made the fat/skinny comment does, that this is a beauty issue in the eyes of the aunt. Not saying it's right, not agreeing with the aunt's behavior ... but this can be dealt with in two ways. All-out family war or a sit down, honest, CALM discussion with the aunt to figure out where to go from here. This isn't an aunt from afar or somebody who yelled at them from the street... this is someone whom the OP loved as a mother figure.
Don't you think it is worth the effort to attempt to work it out and demonstrate TO HER DAUGHTERS how to deal with this specific issue of skin color? In a mature way? It is definitely a teachable moment for her. Her daughters are watching her every move right now. What does she want them to learn??? How about grownups do stupid things, admit they were wrong and apologize? How about this is how to calmly resolve an argument?
Wow. Just wow. I would like for you to go through my initial post and prove your assertion that I knew favoritism was going on prior the situation blowing up. Please, go ahead. Show me where you got that assertion.
There is NO WAY IN HELL I would've let things just stand had I known about the favoritism prior being informed of the events.
Apparently putting up with BS, means tell every member of the extended family what a horrible person auntie is, start the tally of who is on who's side, draw the lines and destroy the family completely. Great idea. Happy life for everyone. And the girls will know that every time anyone is mean to them it's all about skin color. And they will harbor that anger for a lifetime.
I didn't say put up with BS> I said to see if it can be worked out. BIG difference.
Complete nonsense and you're so far off base you can't even tell what team your on. LOL.
Apparently putting up with BS, means tell every member of the extended family what a horrible person auntie is, start the tally of who is on who's side, draw the lines and destroy the family completely. Great idea. Happy life for everyone. And the girls will know that every time anyone is mean to them it's all about skin color. And they will harbor that anger for a lifetime.
I didn't say put up with BS> I said to see if it can be worked out. BIG difference.
So it's okay when my 11 yr old asks her father, "Why aren't I as light as my sister?" It's ok for her to think there is something wrong with her simply because her sister has less melanin? Prior to what my aunt said, such a question would've never entered my daughter's head. She didn't look at herself, her sister or the world through people's skin tones. And how those colors (falsely) defined people. But now she is. And it kills me. You don't think that every time my 11 yr old is around my aunt (the culprit for these thoughts and questions) she won't be thinking about things like this? I don't think you have fully comprehended the damage colorism does.
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