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Old 08-23-2016, 03:46 PM
 
6,806 posts, read 4,891,306 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newtovenice View Post
I get it.

You are angry and want to still stay angry. When you cool down ... ask yourself ... how does how I handle this situation affect my daughters? YOU are the one making a big deal out of it. Do you realize that??

If you had simply said to them, you know what? Color doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. Anyone who tells you that you are less of a person because of your color is WRONG. I'll talk to auntie because what she said and how she behaved was WRONG and we'll get this all straightened out. Now, what should we have for dinner?

They would have learned that color doesn't matter. But by screaming and ranting and pitting family member against member ... you've taught them that color matters. It matters a lot. It matters enough to lose family over. And in 10 years, when there are STILL family members that you are refusing to talk to whom the daughters have no relationship with because you forbade it, they will realize that they lost something very precious ... family... because color mattered that much to YOU. And you will also have to deal with the members who took your side and 10 years later realize that their support of you cost them relationships. And they will blame YOU for it.

Take a breath and instead of getting angry at what I have written THINK ABOUT IT. This is a teachable moment and you can build up the family or you can break it.
Yep, this exactly.

It would be simple to tell her this and then have a conversation with the aunt. If need be, any contact with the kids and the aunt can be kept to a minimum.

But the some people need the drama of bringing in the whole family.
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Old 08-23-2016, 03:48 PM
 
6,806 posts, read 4,891,306 times
Reputation: 8594
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
If the happiness and well-being of your kids is top priority here is an opportunity to role model the strength of resilience. Anger and divisiveness don't do much to create happiness and come from our weakest and most insecure spot. It's not a place you want your kids to focus on.


I know you're hurt and angry and rightly so. Nothing's worse than watching our children take a hard knock. But I hope you don't teach your children that this is the healthiest response they can have to the hurts the world dishes out.


More hurts will be coming as life goes on - not because of skin color - but because the world can be tough. Instead of acting like this is the worst thing that can happen and setting them up for hurt and outrage over and over support them in learning to rise above. It's easier for young people to learn this then us older folks.


I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hope you can be part of the solution.
Some people need to be outraged so thay can have the drama that goes with it.
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Old 08-23-2016, 03:51 PM
 
82 posts, read 62,833 times
Reputation: 121
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
If the happiness and well-being of your kids is top priority here is an opportunity to role model the strength of resilience. Anger and divisiveness don't do much to create happiness and come from our weakest and most insecure spot. It's not a place you want your kids to focus on.


I know you're hurt and angry and rightly so. Nothing's worse than watching our children take a hard knock. But I hope you don't teach your children that this is the healthiest response they can have to the hurts the world dishes out.


More hurts will be coming as life goes on - not because of skin color - but because the world can be tough. Instead of acting like this is the worst thing that can happen and setting them up for hurt and outrage over and over support them in learning to rise above. It's easier for young people to learn this then us older folks.


I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hope you can be part of the solution.
I understand that. And I'm not going to lie - regarding my marriage, my husband is the cooler one. Not many things faze him. And he even said had it been a one-off occasion, it would have been something much easier to resolve. But it wasn't. And one of the biggest issues for us here is trust. We just can't trust her again to be around our children. Especially alone.
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Old 08-23-2016, 03:56 PM
 
1,837 posts, read 2,015,063 times
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Little children shouldn't be told to "have a conversation" with adults who insult them over the color of their skin, nor should issues like this be shoved under the rug for the sake of family harmony. Rug-sweeping is not healing. The lesson these girls would learn from such a response is that they should prioritize not making waves and being nice over protecting themselves.
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Old 08-23-2016, 03:58 PM
 
Location: So Cal
52,006 posts, read 52,457,444 times
Reputation: 52520
Quote:
Originally Posted by Portland222 View Post
I understand that. And I'm not going to lie - regarding my marriage, my husband is the cooler one. Not many things faze him. And he even said had it been a one-off occasion, it would have been something much easier to resolve. But it wasn't. And one of the biggest issues for us here is trust. We just can't trust her again to be around our children. Especially alone.

I wonder if you presented this situation over in the parenting sub forum, maybe that might provide a view point from parents and maybe get some differing perspectives. IDK, might help. I don't have kids and rarely post there but there is often a lot of activity in that forum.
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Old 08-23-2016, 03:59 PM
 
Location: So Cal
52,006 posts, read 52,457,444 times
Reputation: 52520
Quote:
Originally Posted by forum_browser View Post
Little children shouldn't be told to "have a conversation" with adults who insult them over the color of their skin, nor should issues like this be shoved under the rug for the sake of family harmony. Rug-sweeping is not healing. The lesson these girls would learn from such a response is that they should prioritize not making waves and being nice over protecting themselves.

This
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Old 08-23-2016, 04:01 PM
 
82 posts, read 62,833 times
Reputation: 121
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I wonder if you presented this situation over in the parenting sub forum, maybe that might provide a view point from parents and maybe get some differing perspectives. IDK, might help. I don't have kids and rarely post there but there is often a lot of activity in that forum.
Ah, I didn't see that subforum. Not been on here for too long. In retrospect it would've been apt to post in that subforum.
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Old 08-23-2016, 04:04 PM
 
1,837 posts, read 2,015,063 times
Reputation: 4397
I think if it were an issue of a great-uncle eyeing a young girl inappropriately or making off-color remarks, people would understand why "ignore it to show how resilient you are," "have a conversation with him" and "it's high time these girls learned that there are people like this in the world" would not cut it as responses.
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Old 08-23-2016, 04:06 PM
 
82 posts, read 62,833 times
Reputation: 121
Quote:
Originally Posted by forum_browser View Post
Little children shouldn't be told to "have a conversation" with adults who insult them over the color of their skin, nor should issues like this be shoved under the rug for the sake of family harmony. Rug-sweeping is not healing. The lesson these girls would learn from such a response is that they should prioritize not making waves and being nice over protecting themselves.
I agree.
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Old 08-23-2016, 04:08 PM
 
82 posts, read 62,833 times
Reputation: 121
I will be going offline for a while as I have a few things to do, so I won't be answering posts for a few hours. But I will be back later.
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