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Old 08-24-2016, 05:50 PM
 
1,478 posts, read 1,507,225 times
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Like you said, he wasn't cut out to be a parent, especially to a child, but that doesn't mean he didn't love you. He obviously has a good sense of obligation and went above and beyond to provide what he was capable of giving you, which was financial assistance in his case, and getting a nanny to make sure he could still have you visit even though he didn't feel he could care for you himself. I say give him a shot, it may be that he's finally ready to open that part of his heart to you. You're old enough and capable enough of leaving if it isn't working out.
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Old 08-24-2016, 06:04 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,060,649 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1986pacecar View Post
Go. What have you got to lose? When people hit a certain age, and it varies from person to person, they want to strengthen family ties. He did support you financially and well, it is a beach house for crying out loud. You might actually enjoy it
Quote:
Originally Posted by tottsieanna View Post
It could be possible he regrets not being a part of your life. If you don't feel comfortable going to the beach house maybe go out to dinner and/or go to a sporting event together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aery11 View Post
I didn't have the same situation as you have but my father really didn't know how to say 'I love you' till I taught him that (through example) when he was almost 80. That is when I really started to get to know him. If it feels awkward with your father, please don't let that stop you from doing your best to make things more comfortable.


And, yes, I too would advise you to go if you can. There are probably all sorts of things you don't know about why he was a semi-absent father when you were young .. maybe over time you will find out what those things were and may feel differently about him. At any rate, give it a chance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ylisa7 View Post
He's older know. Since you don't hold any grudges I would go. Maybe you will learn something new about him. If it is terrible than don't do it again.
Excellent points.
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Old 08-24-2016, 06:12 PM
 
Location: City Data Land
17,156 posts, read 12,915,217 times
Reputation: 33164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
You took money from this guy all these years - he paid for college! - the least you can do is spend some time with him.
And? OP is his SON. Fathers are supposed to provide for their kids financially. The fact that this here today gone tomorrow "father" spent money toward the upbringing of his son doesn't mean he deserves a medal. It means he did what dads are supposed to do: pay for their kids needs. At least he took care of that part of OP's needs.

I'm going to disagree with most everyone else and say that you have no obligation to spend time with your dad, OP. I'm in a very similar situation as yourself OP. My father was gone from my life for almost all of it but provided for me financially, which I am grateful for. He would call me every once in a while, we would get together once a year or so, have a stilted dinner in a restaurant, then part ways again.

Two years ago he turned 70 and suddenly wanted to spend time with me. It's like he realized he had an almost 40 year old daughter and he missed out on my life, which he did. And it was by his choice. He was always too busy working or with his new wife and my half sisters. I decided I had enough of reaching out to him and trying to get him to spend time with me. Just because he's nearing the end of his life's journey doesn't give him an automatic pass on the first 40 years with his kid. So I cut him out of my life completely. I'm very glad I did. He never made me a priority then. I'm not making him a priority now.

Ultimately OP, you need to decide what's right for you. But don't go visit your dad just because you feel guilty or even worse, because you want to check out a beach house. If you go, go because it's what you truly want, not anyone else.
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Old 08-24-2016, 06:12 PM
 
19,965 posts, read 30,115,563 times
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we aren't born with a parenting app.... some people are not natural lovable parents,,,,,,you will never know the hell of someone else growing up....

maybe part of his love for you was to stay away from you,,,,doesn't make sense but I grew up with friends that got beat on physically and verbally by their dad ..... and they would have been better off if he wasn't there


he showed his love financially don't discount that financials are a very cold way to show his love for you,,,,most guys measure themselves by their career and watch every penny

maybe just maybe his plan was for you to go to college and be whatever you want to be and he was right there holding the door open,,


sometimes what we don't have gives us more strength to stand on our own two feet

look around,,,,,you see some friends that are pretty flowers,,,but will cry easily,,,and have no backbone?????



you are now an adult.... its ten times easier having an adult relationship with your children in these situations

also keep in mind,,,maybe out of respect for your mother he kept his distance
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Old 08-24-2016, 06:17 PM
 
6,806 posts, read 4,891,819 times
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Go and visit. See if you connect with him and have a good time. If so, it's all good and maybe you can have more of an equal relationship with him now. If you don't connect, it's no big loss and you can just move on.
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Old 08-24-2016, 06:30 PM
 
Location: TN/NC
34,944 posts, read 31,087,664 times
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At 63, he may realizing he has more years behind him than ahead of him and is just trying to make amends.
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Old 08-24-2016, 06:39 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,060,649 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman View Post

also keep in mind,,,maybe out of respect for your mother he kept his distance
OP, don't laugh. There may be reasons that he stayed away and did not play an active role in your life that you may not realize.
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Old 08-24-2016, 07:07 PM
 
Location: Forest bathing
3,198 posts, read 2,465,523 times
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I sure wish my dad took his responsibilities like yours did. My parents married young, I was born, and then they divorced because my dad cheated on my mom. He paid child support at first then moved across the country and quit paying. He never contacted me but then neither did my entire family back there. I finally contacted them while I was in college. I liked my aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins, but couldn't like an alcoholic who flashed his money around but didn't help me. I paid my own way through college and he didn't offer to help. I have seen him a few times over the years but couldn't really take his braggart ways. At 88, he is in a nursing home with nothing to his name. All he has are memories of picking up women in bars and his drinking buddies. He doesn't even ask about his only granddaughter. Btw, he denies that I have any siblings.

The thing is is that your dad reached out. He seems to be an honorable man in that he did help out. Maybe he will try his darnedest to make this work. Or, maybe you will drift apart again. I sure hope it works. I miss the dad I could have had. Oh, and my mom's second partner was a child abuser. Ask why I have nightmares.
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Old 08-24-2016, 10:05 PM
 
4,475 posts, read 6,670,177 times
Reputation: 6635
I dont know if id go. I mean if i had the attitude of "Well, (huff) I dont owe him anything" then I'd predict some confrontations and things ending up worse than before.
And where is it written that parents must pay for everything their kids want? While theyre minors perhaps but after 18 everything is completely optional. You all may think its what a parent should do but wants and musts are two separate things.
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Old 08-24-2016, 10:27 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
15,479 posts, read 15,566,864 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
And? OP is his SON. Fathers are supposed to provide for their kids financially. The fact that this here today gone tomorrow "father" spent money toward the upbringing of his son doesn't mean he deserves a medal. It means he did what dads are supposed to do: pay for their kids needs. At least he took care of that part of OP's needs.
Wrong. Parents have ZERO financial responsibility for college. If they have the money AND want to spend it on a child's education, that's great, but they certainly aren't required to do it.
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