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I'd go. You may not see eye to eye on a lot of things, but he is still your dad. If he's sick, think about if he died and you didn't go to see him, you'd be thinking "I should have gone"
He is a donor, so what.
Isn't it on the hypocritical side to visit someone you don't like just because they are ill?
I'd go for a long weekend and stay in a hotel. Take him out to eat, be kind and gracious, and then leave. You said yourself it might be years (or never) before you see him again.
Be prepared for lots of conflicting feelings. If you go and don't like it, you still won't regret going, because you won't have to worry about it anymore. But if you don't go, from your post it sounds like you might regret it later.
I am starting a new job at end of Sept. I live all the way across the country from my father. He really wants me to visit before I start my new job because I probably won't have much time off for quite a while being the "low man on the totem pole." He is in poor health and has been for the past 5 years or so. We also have had a very tumultuous relationship over the years ... he was an abusive alcoholic through my childhood, went to jail about 10 years ago (I did make trips to see him twice during those years), and now that he is sick, he has turned extremely religious and tells me he thinks I and my sister are going to he** because we are not believers (Maybe important to note that he was raised in the church and started preaching at 11 years of age in a Pentacostal church because his grandma wanted him to.)
If I am honest with myself, I'd rather spend these last couple weeks of freedom getting things ready at home and spending time with my hubby and friends. However, I feel almost obligated to visit him too, esp. because he is in such poor health.
The ticket across country at this point looks to be at least 500+ dollars, but I can afford it if I decide to go.
I know no one can tell me what to do... but I am wondering if anyone has had a similar situation in the past. What did you do? Did you regret your decision? I know that if he dies and I don't visit, I'll probably feel bad...but I also know that visiting him and spending our family's money to be berated for not being a better person will pis* me off, esp considering how he acted most of my life.
Thank you all for your input.
A very wise person asked me a question once that changed my life "Can you accept this person 100% on their terms and accept how they treat you because you can not change them?" If the answer is no, then you need to walk away.
In other words, if this person treats you like crap and you still go to visit, then you need to be ok with that and own the fact that it was your choice.
Personally, I spent too many years around people who treated me poorly not thinking I had a choice to leave them behind. Once I did, it was like a million weights being lifted off my shoulders.
If this was me and I decided not to go, because my relationship with my father had been more than rocky and I anticipated that this visit might not be pleasant either, I would not however tell him the real reason why I had made that decision. It may be true but I don't see what purpose that would serve at this point. I would probably tell him that I just can't get away (or tell him that I can't currently afford the trip - unless I knew he would offer to pay for it all if I used that excuse). I would however offer to Skype once in a while (though that may be only once if he lights into me) if that is possible at his end.
Good luck with whatever route you decide is best. Go with what your heart tells you is the right decision. You cannot know the future, for either of you - and will just have to accept that you may not have seen him in person before he died if that comes to pass. Still, should that happen you should not feel guilty or ruin it your current life. He could die if you see him or don't - and neither would be your doing or your fault.
Now with cellphones, long distance telephone costs are a thing of the past, so call him and talk to him on the phone. Pretend you're practicing to be an actor and try to be positive when he goes all religious on you. The other thing is when he gets completely whacko is that if you hang up while you're talking, you can always blame it on the phone's battery. A weekly call should be enough to offset a personal visit and who knows, maybe you'll actually get to liking him at some point. But, it's not required to like relatives, tolerance should be enough. Well, that and a continent between helps, too.
If the reason he wants to see you is to try and convert you to his religion, then, no, I'd say, don't go. If you feel that you would like to talk to him one last time, then go. If you want to see him, go. If you don't want to see him in person, I like the idea of skyping or doing facetime.
Ask yourself if you would regret not seeing him before he dies. If you would regret it, then I think you should go, if only for a couple of days. And, stay in a motel, as others have recommended.
This is totally your decision.
Unless money is a real issue, I don't think it should figure in your decision. 10 years from now the money spent or unspent will not be an issue. You have to decide if you want to visit him--or not.
When you get settled, fly him out to your new location for a weekend and you dictate the terms.
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