My mother won't stop giving me "stuff" [LONG!]

[southkakkatlantan]

Originally Posted by chiluvr1228

Sounds to me like your mother definitely needs to see a doctor, psychiatrist or therapist. This is not normal behavior. Has she always been like this or is this something new?


You said there was something in her house that needed to be fixed that the house could be condemned for. Is it something very expensive? Could you and your brother help her with that?

She's been like this for as long as I've been alive...I did mention before that she is HEAVILY anti-doctor and anti-therapy and anti-medication. I've only known her to visit a doctor outpatient-wise once in my entire life when her parents forced her (both went with her) to the dentist because she was barring on not being able to go to work she was in so much pain due to teeth that needed to be pulled.

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by southkakkatlantan

She's been like this for as long as I've been alive...I did mention before that she is HEAVILY anti-doctor and anti-therapy and anti-medication. I've only known her to visit a doctor outpatient-wise once in my entire life when her parents forced her (both went with her) to the dentist because she was barring on not being able to go to work she was in so much pain due to teeth that needed to be pulled.

This is why I'm saying that unless or until she is deemed incompetent to take care of herself, by the courts, there is really nothing you can do to save her from herself. And it is not your moral obligation to bankrupt your own retirement to take care of her financially - because who is then going to take care of you? You have to plan for your own retirement - not just for yourself but to ease the burden on others down the road.

All you can do at this point, as far as I can see, is figure out how to deal with your own anger and frustration as she continues to misspend her money and give you useless gifts. Figure out what you want to do with the gifts (give them away), and let go of the anger. Clarify your boundaries with her when it comes to her old age.

I do think she is in part showering you with gifts so that when she needs help (to the tune of THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS a month vs the $100 or so she's spending on you - which you don't want - every month), you will feel beholden to her.

[HappyFarm34]

Originally Posted by tassity22

A more serious issue with this could be debt and spending addiction of the mother.

I do think people who have shopping addictions will buy lots of stuff for other people, so they can justify their shopping habit as "I need to buy gifts for so-and-so" but it's just an excuse to keep spending more money and shopping.

I know someone like this in my own family. She is over 60 now, with no money saved for retirement - not one dime. And she keeps buying lots of clothes for her grandkids. Not just for Christmas and birthday, but almost every week she's appearing on their doorstep with big bags of brand new clothing. It is scary that she has credit card debt at her age.

Sounds like someone I know too in my family. Not quite 60. Almost every week, she buys something for her only grandchild, either toys or clothes. It's crazy. And it makes the parents feel like they can't provide for their child without her. When she does this, the mom feels entitled to babysit her grandchild whenever she pleases and will even go as far as having a meltdown if she doesn't get her way about babysitting.

Thank goodness it ain't my child but feel sorry for the parents.

With her grown children, it's more about giving stuff away she no longer wants after a few years than buying things for them. She's obsessed with watching HGTV and QVC network.

[Rockridge5]

Originally Posted by KathrynAragon

This is why I'm saying that unless or until she is deemed incompetent to take care of herself, by the courts, there is really nothing you can do to save her from herself. And it is not your moral obligation to bankrupt your own retirement to take care of her financially - because who is then going to take care of you? You have to plan for your own retirement - not just for yourself but to ease the burden on others down the road.

All you can do at this point, as far as I can see, is figure out how to deal with your own anger and frustration as she continues to misspend her money and give you useless gifts. Figure out what you want to do with the gifts (give them away), and let go of the anger. Clarify your boundaries with her when it comes to her old age.

I do think she is in part showering you with gifts so that when she needs help (to the tune of THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS a month vs the $100 or so she's spending on you - which you don't want - every month), you will feel beholden to her.

I agree with all of this. You have done what you can, you cannot change your mom.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by KathrynAragon

But you DO have control over it. You do not "owe" it to your mom to help her out financially if or when she burns through her money. You do not have to (and probably have never had to) give her money when she "needs" it.

You're going to have to get tough and let her feel the natural ramifications of her actions.

KA is right. You do not have to pay your mother's bills now or in the future, you do not have to take care of her when she is old and needs help, you do not have to do anything. It would be nice if you could assist with helping her a find a nursing home in her area that she can afford or that takes Medicaid when she is flat out broke, but you really do not have to do that either.

Originally Posted by convextech

Your mom needs to see a doctor. Make an appointment, put her in the car, and make her go. Sometimes we become the parents.

Yes, sometimes you need to do that.

Originally Posted by southkakkatlantan

Well, now that she's really into the "church", I noticed her speak of instances in which I fear people are taking advantage of her. She's told me about at least 5 instances where she's given people at church who are supposedly her friends things like money, a gift card, bought clothes for someone's son, etc. Even loaned money without getting it back (she won't say how much). She always says, "That's ok. The bible says to be a giver..." so she thinks she is doing good and says they will be judged at the end. But every time she says she won't do it again, she does anyway.
.

I knew an elderly woman (with mild dementia) who was conned out of many thousands of dollars, perhaps $30,000 or $40,000 by fellow church members (basically it was every cent that she had).

Her children actually had to get the police involved as the woman was literally in an attorney's office getting ready to sign away her house and land to the con artists (because her money was gone and they still demanded more).

Originally Posted by southkakkatlantan

. One time on the way to church she tipped the cashier at the Bojangle's drive through. I just had paid 2 of her utility bills and here she was giving cash to a stranger in a drive through. I was furious.

I have tried to discuss many things with her...simply things like a budget, etc., but she shuts down and changes the subject and talks in circles about things that have nothing to do with what I'm trying to discuss with her. It's like she doesn't know 'how' to have a discussion.

Perhaps you should stop paying her utility bills. I bet if she does not have electricity or heat she may think twice about giving money away to strangers.

Originally Posted by southkakkatlantan

Quotes have been maybe 2k to fix. I don't know what it would be now. But she has been given the money to get it fixed probably twice over the past decade. She seems not to be able to handle following through. I'm assuming the money went to bills and frivolous stuff in the end because she's always struggled to pay bills.

I would have to manage paying for and arranging fixing it and I live in another state. My brother is not going to help as i believe he's pretty upset he's sent her a great deal of money in the past and it's still not fixed. I guarantee you he sent more money her way than I ever have.

I am not sure if she just doesn't want people coming into her house at all to fix it or the fact she'd be there alone when they come.

If you really want that think fixed I bet that you would have to take vacation days, hire the work done, supervise the work yourself and pay for it yourself. But, if your mother has already been given the money, at least twice to do the work, is it really that important to do?

What is the worse that would happen? The house is foreclosed and Mom needs to move into a homeless shelter or a nursing home. Maybe she needs to sell the house and move into an assisted living or senior living facility.

I am so sorry, it sounds like a real problem.

[KathrynAragon]

KA is right. You do not have to pay your mother's bills now or in the future, you do not have to take care of her when she is old and needs help, you do not have to do anything. It would be nice if you could assist with helping her a find a nursing home in her area that she can afford or that takes Medicaid when she is flat out broke, but you really do not have to do that either.

It's sad but true. This is not just an issue of mental illness or dementia - this has been a lifetime pattern. The OP HAS tried various things - with no success. Unfortunately, we can't save some people from themselves.

I knew an elderly woman (with mild dementia) who was conned out of many thousands of dollars, perhaps $30,000 or $40,000 by fellow church members (basically it was every cent that she had).

And don't get me started on televangelists!

Her children actually had to get the police involved as the woman was literally in an attorney's office getting ready to sign away her house and land to the con artists (because her money was gone and they still demanded more).

This wasn't with a church, but my husband and his brother had to get the law involved in order to stop extended family from trying to take over their parents' bank and investment accounts - and even their house! (The sons won.)

Perhaps you should stop paying her utility bills. I bet if she does not have electricity or heat she may think twice about giving money away to strangers.

THIS RIGHT HERE. AMEN AND AMEN.

If you really want that think fixed I bet that you would have to take vacation days, hire the work done, supervise the work yourself and pay for it yourself. But, if your mother has already been given the money, at least twice to do the work, is it really that important to do?

Apparently not to the mom. And who is going to monitor the necessary maintenance of the home? Not the mom, apparently. It's simply not her adult kids' responsibility.

What is the worse that would happen? The house is foreclosed and Mom needs to move into a homeless shelter or a nursing home. Maybe she needs to sell the house and move into an assisted living or senior living facility.

Sounds like a plan to me and one that I'd present if I were the OP. I'd follow it with, "You do realize that I am not going to pay for maintenance on your house, or your utility bills, or the property taxes, right? So if you lose the house, or have your utilities cut off, you're going to have a real problem that will be YOUR problem - no one else's. I am not going to bail you out. So think seriously about this."

[Ih2puo]

Take the stuff. Say thank you. Smile.

No need to spread your misery to someone who is happy.