Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Don't worry about it too much, if she has high blood pressure like you said and refuses to see the Doctor, it will catch up to her, and she will one day soon no longer be here. Did you also say she was bi-polar ? You need to insist that she see Doctors - make the appointments and drive her if you must. Medication and therapy would probably do her a world of good, probably even saving her life for a few more years.
I was going to say it sounds like maybe she needs to be tested for Dementia also.
You have gotten some really good advice from Posters here. Think about it a bit.
I know this is all upsetting and frustrating for you - but just remember in her own mind, she is probably doing this to show her love for you. And like I said if she has hypertension and is not getting it treated, this is all going to be over way too soon any ways.
I don't think the OP said her mom is bipolar. MY mom is bipolar. I have asked the OP if her mom has any sort of mental illness diagnosis, and she hasn't clarified that - she has only said that her mom is "wired wrong." My response to that is that only about 2 percent of the population has a true mental illness. Not everyone who "acts crazy," "Is crazy." Some people are simply irresponsible. Some are simply not good with money. Some are simply jerks. Some are simply not rational about things like money or generosity.
Several have asked the OP about dementia, but from what I can gather, her mom has "always been this way."
I don't blame the OP for being frustrated. Setting expectations and boundaries can defuse a lot of that frustration.
^Someone had mentioned Bi-Polar earlier and her post (see highlighted area - the last sentence) is where I thought she might be responding....(there were other questions about health and mental health though so maybe I made the wrong assumption here.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by southkakkatlantan
I was open to listening to what she said. My brother was not. However if you ramble and cry and yell about things for 3-4 hours and I cannot determine the point because you jump from situation to situation and are very hard to follow and are not calm about things it's easy to tell perhaps the things should be sorted through in therapy. This was not a "conversation" she was trying to have and that is not what occurred. I have begged her to go into therapy but after that trip I'm not wiling to beg her about it anymore.
When did I ever say the things she was staying were a nuisance? You might be projecting just a bit. Those are your words. Again, this wasn't a conversation we had. It was more like a mini breakdown. I do have empathy but I'm also not a medical professional so I'm not exactly equipped to handle things of this sort all the time the way they should be with someone who has her personality. I'm human.
For the poster that inquired, yes she has been medically diagnosed many years ago without treatment.
I can see that the OP is very upset.
I think the most important thing that she can do though is to get her to the Doctor for the High Blood Pressure....the Doctor is likely to pick up on the other issues if he/she spends enough time/tests on her.
I would also have a frank discussion with her about finances and what she has told us here.
You said it well - setting expectations and boundaries is very important.
OP, I am just not sure how you can help your Mom right now, I think some medical professionals could help tremendously. I would say to seek Financial Counseling for her...but I think it has gone beyond that.
Last edited by Crazee Cat Lady; 09-07-2016 at 10:11 AM..
Reading the rest of it, I get the impression that your mother has never been able to manage money and her behavior has been a lifelong problem.
I have a sister who has a sort of number dyslexia. It doesn't matter how hard she tries, she is incapable of understanding numbers and she can't understand how money works or how a budget works, because you have to be able to understand numbers before you can understand a budget. It's a birth defect, not a character defect. My sister had actual visible physical brain damage during the birth process; this is not just her being too lazy to learn. Her brain is incapable of processing it.
It's possible that your mother has something similar going on, especially if it has been an ongoing problem all of her life.
I suspect that if you could somehow get her to stop sending you gifts, she would turn her gift giving into a new direction. Some televangelist would be getting her money or some con artists who realized that she is an easy mark.
You might try trying to switch her over to sending you money instead of gifts and then you could put that money away for her.
Have you tried sitting her down and discussing how she will live when she is old? I suspect she won't be able to process it, but you could at least try it. This is not an area where you can afford to be polite about it. She is not getting the fact that she will need that money later.
I'm sorry I don't have time to read all the advice you've been given right now, but just wanted to add a bit of perspective.
As a parent of adult children who is getting on in years, she may think that soon she will need a LOT more help from you. Things as simple as changing a ceiling light bulb or reaching scomething in an upper shelf, to changing her adult diaper and cleaning her up. She may feel bad about you having to do that and is trying to make it up to you now so you will treat her more kindly.
Kids seem to think parents will always be the same strong adult they grew up with (I did of my parents!), but our bodies grow feeble and fail us. Getting old is NOT fun. Maybe she's just trying to prepare both you and her, although mostly her.
The only thing that I can add advice wise is that those framed bible verses may be hers as result of giving to a televangelist. I would want to check on amount of that--if it is happening v. her financial situation.
Once your mom asked for money, you should have asked her exactly what her financial situation was...all the details. Or do in any future asks.
As others have said, you are going need impress upon her that you are not in position to support her later on (even if you are or will). Write her a letter of your concerns. Sometimes it is easier to get your point across that way.
Could you ask your mother to donate to a charity of her or your choice, rather than pile on the stuff? That would not be a complete solution, but it would cut down on what you have to deal with physically. However, it would do nothing for her finances.
Another idea might be to conduct a yard sale/garage sale of the various items accumulated in both of your houses, then use the proceeds for whatever worthy cause you choose (or just help her own finances).
I have a friend like this. She compulsively accumulated "stuff", came from a family which kept everything from wonderful antiques and nice old family pieces to the most kitschy items imaginable (and inherited all those keeper genes in toto), had around 20 cats at one time - and was unable to make payments on her very nice large house because of her compulsive spending, so lost it. She has been forced to cut way back and to give up many of her treasures, and is in a smallish rented house at present.
Very sad...(but at least she only has six or seven cats now, thankfully). She still gives those she cares about way too much, usually items that remind her of her friends and family, but which have little or no appeal to others. I've tried to suggest that she make donations to worthy causes and give things like soap, candles, etc., which get used up, to little effect.
Yet my friend would do anything she could to help others, has a very tender heart, and is a very good person. She still drives me up the wall at times...but we go way back, and that counts for a lot. I'm sure I have quirks which bother her, too.
I also have a lot of "stuff", mostly inherited items...but I don't have twenty cats and I am not a compulsive buyer/giver.
I don't think the OP said her mom is bipolar. MY mom is bipolar. I have asked the OP if her mom has any sort of mental illness diagnosis, and she hasn't clarified that - she has only said that her mom is "wired wrong." My response to that is that only about 2 percent of the population has a true mental illness. Not everyone who "acts crazy," "Is crazy." Some people are simply irresponsible. Some are simply not good with money. Some are simply jerks. Some are simply not rational about things like money or generosity.
Several have asked the OP about dementia, but from what I can gather, her mom has "always been this way."
I don't blame the OP for being frustrated. Setting expectations and boundaries can defuse a lot of that frustration.
She does have more than one official diagnoses.
She was involuntarily put on medication once in her life while in the care of the hospital.
For that reason, and the things that led to being hospitalized many many years ago, she vowed that she would never let anyone else ever make her go to a doctor or take any kind of medication again for the rest of her life.
She said she does not need therapy, she did it once (again, basically involuntarily), it served its purpose then and that there's no point of talking to strangers about things. She said that God and prayer are the only things she will ever need or that can help her.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
