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My dad does it as well. I think it is part of some type of mental illness or a misplaced way of showing affection, or a combination of the two. Most of the stuff goes right back out of my house.
Is there any way that you can take the items that she is giving you and sell them? Then keep all the money from the sale in an account and once it reaches enough money, can you use it to get whatever it is that needs fixing in her house done? Or just send the money back to her? I know that is kind of a hassle for you but maybe if you do a few cycles of it she will get the picture.
She sounds like she gets enjoyment from shopping and gifting. This may be trying to fill some void in her life. Does she have friends that she spends time with? Does she have a hobby (other than shopping) that she enjoys?
Sorry that I don't have much more to offer in terms of advice. I hope that you are able to find a resolution soon.
A great deal of the stuff she gives I wouldn't be able to recoup much money for so unfortunately I don't think so.
The gift cards she sent me...many were for places to eat so I did use about half of those. Some of them I regifted. I still did not want them sent to me because I know at the end of the day she needs the money more than I need another bible plaque or a gift card to Starbucks for a $5 coffee.
I think she does has friends but she doesn't interact with them much. Her main thing right now in life is church.
A more serious issue with this could be debt and spending addiction of the mother.
I do think people who have shopping addictions will buy lots of stuff for other people, so they can justify their shopping habit as "I need to buy gifts for so-and-so" but it's just an excuse to keep spending more money and shopping.
I know someone like this in my own family. She is over 60 now, with no money saved for retirement - not one dime. And she keeps buying lots of clothes for her grandkids. Not just for Christmas and birthday, but almost every week she's appearing on their doorstep with big bags of brand new clothing. It is scary that she has credit card debt at her age.
I have been doing my best at that but as of this year it has gotten so much harder to do (story for another thread). I'm the only one left in the family that's talking to her now..
It sounds like you are an enabler since you are the only one still putting up with her bad behavior. I wonder if this might have something to do with your dating issues also.
As another example, when my birthday came around she sent me not one, not two, but 5 birthday cards in the mail. Each had gift certificates (Starbucks, Panera Bread, etc.)...some to stores not even in my area. Totaling over $300. But my point is I told her before my birthday not to send me any money. So she sent money in the form of gift cards instead. But when she came to visit me in July she didn't have all the money to get back to her hometown at the time and she has one major item in her house that needs fixing that's needed fixing for yearrssssss that her house could probably be condemned for...yet she's sending me gift cards. This is the kind of thing that's driving me crazy.
I think your next step should be to take her to the doctor and get her checked for possible dementia.
I have been doing my best at that but as of this year it has gotten so much harder to do (story for another thread). I'm the only one left in the family that's talking to her now.
Anyways, I think it's the fact that she's using inheritance money to buy this stuff, and as soon as it's gone I know she's going to come to me for help and I'm forseeing myself blowing up just THINKING about it.
As another example, when my birthday came around she sent me not one, not two, but 5 birthday cards in the mail. Each had gift certificates (Starbucks, Panera Bread, etc.)...some to stores not even in my area. Totaling over $300. But my point is I told her before my birthday not to send me any money. So she sent money in the form of gift cards instead. But when she came to visit me in July she didn't have all the money to get back to her hometown at the time and she has one major item in her house that needs fixing that's needed fixing for yearrssssss that her house could probably be condemned for...yet she's sending me gift cards. This is the kind of thing that's driving me crazy.
I feel your pain. Your mom wants desperately to be important to you and has no idea how to make it happen. She is very sick and at her age is unlikely to get better without professional help/medication.
It sounds to me almost like a form of hoarding (is she a hoarder?) Which is a subcategory of OCD.
She really can't help it. You are trying to reason with someone who doesn't understand reason. It will make you crazy until you can acknowledge that she is NEVER going to understand reason.
Have you considered flipping your script? Thank her profusely for the next thing that she gives you might make her stop trying so hard to please you. If she feels loved and appreciated (I know, it can be hard to fake) then she might just relax a bit.
Do yourself a favor. Tell her you are more interested in family treasures than new items. Then let her load you up every time you see her with stuff from her house. Then take it all straight to the charity of your choice.
Kiss your inheritance goodbye. It's her money, she can do what she wants with it. When she asks you for help, offer her what you feel is best.
You really think that her house is on the verge of being condemned and yet there will be an inheritance? She is going to leave you with an expensive mess. If you have to emotionally distance yourself from your Mom, you also have to distance yourself from the idea that anything she owns is going to come to you. Let it all go.
I have a friend like that who loves loves loves resale shops. She is always giving me clutter which I don't want either. I look at it as her way of showing love. I appreciate the thought and I have some space dedicated on my kitchen window with some things she's given me over the years. They make me smile because I know I'm loved. That's the best part of the gift.
That witch toy with the suction cup on the bottom that bounces away appeals to the inner child. I have to keep that and the little scare crow boy that sits next to the solar bee that rocks back and forth. Okay the giant spider and giant ant were my idea. That's our friendship that I see every day that makes me smile.
I'm sure you can find something to keep from your mother that makes you smile. The rest can be donated for a tax right off, which we desperately need. It's win win and I accept her gifts as a token of our great friendship. Today I'm going to the beach and on the way I'm going to buy her a metal sun to hang on her house that she's been looking for and couldn't find.
She will now have a daily reminder of how she is loved and appreciated Your mother is just doing the same thing, only in a way that you don't need. Let her be her and find a way to make lemonade from those lemons.
OK so maybe the "I've told her", "I've requested" etc., might be better as a discussion and not so much a reaction. I used to do the same with my mum. I reacted to her actions, but then one day I sat her down and had a really honest and open chat about why she did what she did. It was a game changer. She ended up in tears but really looked at her side of things. I had to keep telling her, "don't react" "let's just talk calmly" but in the end it worked. Now the great thing is she's throwing her own stuff away instead. She's become "Minimalist Mum".
If you've tried this then as someone else said, just do what you've gotta do with stuff she gives you - donating sounds best
Perhaps try to refocus your mom's gift giving instinct?
Instead of buying things maybe you could ask her to make something for you, food or a crafty item of some kind? That way she can 'show her love' without spending a fortune and maybe it will keep her too busy to keep running out and buying stuff all the time.
If she still insists on buying things perhaps you could get her to buy new items that you could then return and put the money aside for her in a special account. Or just go ahead and ask for money or a check for those special occasions like birthdays, and put that aside too?
and maybe you could give her back some of those items with an explanation of 'mom you seemed to like this an awful lot, i want you to have it to keep and enjoy for yourself'.
There are websites where you can sell your gift-cards and get cash. The one I used last year would pay even more if you exchanged it for an Amazon gift card.
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Your mother is just doing the same thing, only in a way that you don't need. Let her be her and find a way to make lemonade from those lemons.
