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Regarding wanting to have good friends you can call if you need help moving....
(Not trying to put words in OP's mouth, but here's my take on it).
It's nice to have close friends that you feel a strong connection with. It's nice to have that closeness, that bond, a depth of friendship that goes beyond "Hey lets go get a beer at the corner bar." In life there ARE times that you need help from someone, and you don't want to impose on a person you barely know. But true friends don't mind helping when you need help....and I'm talking about needing a shoulder to cry on when a loved one dies, or someone to bring you a meal after you've had major surgery, or (recent example from my life) someone to bring you some Tylenol because your temperature is 104 and you realize you have no Tylenol on hand and you can't even safely drive because of how sick you are.
It's not about wanting to have friends just so you can "use them." It's human nature to desire deep relationships. And once those deep relationships are established, it's nice for the people in that relationship to know they can count on each other, they will be there for each other.
The Beatles said it nicely: I get by with a little help from my friends.
Regarding wanting to have good friends you can call if you need help moving....
(Not trying to put words in OP's mouth, but here's my take on it).
It's nice to have close friends that you feel a strong connection with. It's nice to have that closeness, that bond, a depth of friendship that goes beyond "Hey lets go get a beer at the corner bar." In life there ARE times that you need help from someone, and you don't want to impose on a person you barely know. But true friends don't mind helping when you need help....and I'm talking about needing a shoulder to cry on when a loved one dies, or someone to bring you a meal after you've had major surgery, or (recent example from my life) someone to bring you some Tylenol because your temperature is 104 and you realize you have no Tylenol on hand and you can't even safely drive because of how sick you are.
It's not about wanting to have friends just so you can "use them." It's human nature to desire deep relationships. And once those deep relationships are established, it's nice for the people in that relationship to know they can count on each other, they will be there for each other.
The Beatles said it nicely: I get by with a little help from my friends.
I can see your point, however the OP apparently doesn't have any close friends to rely on.
I've said several times that she is too passive, expecting people to come to her. You have to put yourself out there. She seems have made friends in the past, but why can't she sustain them, is the question, IMO.
I can see your point, however the OP apparently doesn't have any close friends to rely on.
I've said several times that she is too passive, expecting people to come to her. You have to put yourself out there. She seems have made friends in the past, but why can't she sustain them, is the question, IMO.
Re: the bolded part, right, and that's why she started this thread. Why do you think she is necessarily being passive?
Sometimes it's just hard to make friends, even when you're doing everything "right." I reach out to others (in ways like inviting them over for coffee or for dinner, and many other ways) a lot more than is reciprocated. And while I don't do things with the intention of "keeping score," when I try and try, and the other person doesn't reciprocate (even though we seem to have a great time when we get together when I've arranged it) it does make me wonder what is "wrong" with me that they apparently don't really want to be my friend---at least not enough for them to put in any effort.
Re: the bolded part, right, and that's why she started this thread. Why do you think she is necessarily being passive?
Sometimes it's just hard to make friends, even when you're doing everything "right." I reach out to others (in ways like inviting them over for coffee or for dinner, and many other ways) a lot more than is reciprocated. And while I don't do things with the intention of "keeping score," when I try and try, and the other person doesn't reciprocate (even though we seem to have a great time when we get together when I've arranged it) it does make me wonder what is "wrong" with me that they apparently don't really want to be my friend---at least not enough for them to put in any effort.
She indicates that she talks to people when out but it doesn't go anywhere. Does she even attempt something more? At the same time as this post, she posted in the relationships section, about being 0 for 3 with guys she's interested in, but she didn't make a move at all. She's not stepping up to the plate to even strike out, IMO. It also can't be everyone else that is the reason she's struggling.
OP, I feel your pain. Keep in mind that after a certain time of life, many people get busy with kids and spouses, especially the former... spouses are easier to wrangle and arrange for group get-togethers. Small rugrats are tougher. You may be experiencing that moment.
I too have had the experience. I go out places in NYC after work, and it seems like everyone else has gathered for a postmortem re: work to ****** with their work coworkers. I like the theater... granted this is a hard sell to meet people because it's an event with a lot of couples and tourists, but you'd think at least one person would be interested in striking up a conversation with me... it's never been a native local person who did so.
I went to a writing class several years back, still in NYC... an enormous group, who all happily and gladly went out for food and drinks afterwards, every single week. I went to the private short film screening of one of them, and briefly joined an outside offshoot writing group with them.
The latter group broke up because no one showed up, and from the former, not one of them attempted to hit me up after the class for any socialization; and the instructor had had us all exchange directory information, to boot. It's a tough sell to get people to let new people in.
That said, if I were you I'd get online and look up Meetup groups in your area, because I feel like in NYC at least, I've seen non-romance-oriented groups dedicated solely and only to going out together doing things. Now, granted some of those "doing things" are probably the likes of pub crawls and eating clubs; but if you've already got specific hobby-based socialization opportunities and these lead nowhere, maybe you want to broaden your horizons to people specifically yet generically saying they just want to be social. You might even find yourself interested in starting such a group as organizer.
I've said several times that she is too passive, expecting people to come to her. You have to put yourself out there. She seems have made friends in the past, but why can't she sustain them, is the question, IMO.
People who "put themselves out there" can be told they are too forward and come across as desperate. If they take things more slowly, they will be told they are too passive. They can't win either way.
Some are just people persons and others not so much.
I see it at work with new hires.
Why is it one will be an outstanding worker in every way and not included in get togethers and another person hits the ground running and is already having check her calendar due to having many invites?
Maybe you have been too focussed on your career? Too self centered? Too selfish? Flaky? Superficial? Not interested in other people in the past? No empathy? Too bossy? Too blunt? Arrogant? Mean? Sneaky? I would look into it why you never seem to connect with anybody.
She may indeed be a self-centered or self-absorbed person. She probably hogs a conversation. Or, she probably turns whatever the person is talking about into something about herself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne
Sometimes it's just hard to make friends, even when you're doing everything "right." I reach out to others (in ways like inviting them over for coffee or for dinner, and many other ways) a lot more than is reciprocated.
Maybe you're expecting too much out of it. Maybe that other person is satisfied with just having an acquaintanceship with you. If you're married and you meet the wife of one of your husband's coworkers, you may want to become friendlier with her but she probably just sees you as her husband's coworker's wife and that's it. She probably has no intention of becoming closer with you beyond a mere acquaintanceship, whereas you probably think that simply knowing her is going to lead to a close friendship.
If you live in a certain area it might be hard to make friends. If you live in a snobbish part of town, for example. When I had my daughter, I reached out to many other moms to get to know them, that had kids the same age as mine; and most of them turned away from me. (I said most, not all). One mother even told me "my kid doesn't need friends because she has siblings to play with, so we're not interested".
There may be something else going on here that not a lot have mentioned yet: I.e., the OP is a single woman (I think) & she may be trying to connect with married women. If so, it's possible the married women don't want to get too close to her because of their husbands.
I.e., I remember a girl I dated years ago had a mother who had been divorced for several years (though she had gotten re-married eventually). The mother was telling us that when she was single & divorced, she tried to join a church and the women there didn't like her because they felt she was "after" their husbands.
Going along with this, I'm a single guy (by choice) in my 40's, and I do find that I don't hang out with friends that have gotten married as much as I did when we were all single. Honestly, a lot of this is because I don't feel like I have anything in common with them anymore, and I really don't want to hang out with them - so, this "lack of connection" goes both ways. Also, I get the strong sense that the guys don't trust me around their wives
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 09-17-2016 at 03:35 PM..
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