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so here i am, approaching 40 later this year, and have been reflecting a lot on life and priorities. Had/having a good life thus far, married with 2 small boys, so all is well in that aspect. The thing im tiring of late is family expectations/dynamics from my own and in laws.
we always spend major holidays together, usually have my divorced mom spend with my family and in laws over xmas eve/day and a week. Then see my divorced father with his wife over new years, and rinse and repeat with Easter spend just with in laws family & extended members. Dilemma is hubby and i are Deaf, and culturally deaf so with all our hearing family members spend over holidays, and every major holidays we try our best to lipread them, etc. But we're always get left out, not intentionally (or perhaps) because its so darn hard to follow conversation that is usually aminated by several people and jumping from topic to topic. It is getting.old to me that they seem to expect ME to do all accomodations, it is like this at every.single gathering that most of the time, after the event it is so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. My oldest son is starting to pick up on it, commenting to me that "they"re not very nice to me and daddy, and i think he is feeling conflicted that he can follow the conversations but we can't. He is only 5 too! he shouldnt' be feeling conflicted AT ALL.
so im thinking lately of wanting to just NOT spend time with our family, since they don't even bother with us. i CAN see the frustration or irration on their faces whenever we ask them to repeat, or apprently misunderstanding us. In fact, the idea of going away out of town over xmas/NYE is more appealing to me. It is far less stressful, make happier memories, etc.
Would you be understanding if you were a member of my family/in-law?
How many people there at once are we talking about? I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt first, unless you tell me otherwise. Could it be that they just don't know they are doing this to you? Or do they know, but rather would just not make the effort to communicate with you?
I guess I think it would be a shame to completely write off family that cares about you if they are making a huge mistake in how they act, but they don't know it or don't know how to make it better for you. Or, in my opening sentence I was wanting to know is it about the amount of people there rather than who is there?
Oh gosh. I am Deaf too as is my husband. Your family sounds like a lot of my In-Laws, where they don't do accommodations (they don't even sign) but get super annoyed and hostile with us when we "inconvenient" them.
What we ended up doing is not do holidays with them since it's too frustrating and toxic. I don't know if your family situation is as problematic, but why not go smaller scale? Avoid the huge gatherings, but see the family in a more intimate setting. Why not host holiday parties and invite them in so they see what it's like on the other end?
Oh gosh. I am Deaf too as is my husband. Your family sounds like a lot of my In-Laws, where they don't do accommodations (they don't even sign) but get super annoyed and hostile with us when we "inconvenient" them.
What we ended up doing is not do holidays with them since it's too frustrating and toxic. I don't know if your family situation is as problematic, but why not go smaller scale? Avoid the huge gatherings, but see the family in a more intimate setting. Why not host holiday parties and invite them in so they see what it's like on the other end?
I agree. Perhaps, when they attend a few celebrations where the main communication is via sign language & they are feeling left out they may try harder to communicate with you at their houses.
Also, with young children it is OK to celebrate holidays with your immediate family and see the extended family other times or after the holidays. It is OK to spend Christmas at home with just you, hubby & your two kids or go on a vacation together.
I think you should do what works for you. Maybe you both together could explain it to your parents like you have here, and then follow up with smaller get-togethers where communication is easier for everyone. I have MS and walking has become more difficult, so I bow out of some activities. My experience has been that most people understand. It has been surprising and kind of hurtful at times that some people won't bother to slow down and just walk away. Since your son is picking up on things, it would set a good example to him for you to handle the situation constructively rather than just accept the unacceptable.
OP: You need to do what is right for you and your family's well being and comfort.
Tell all of the in laws that you and your family are not going to be home for every holiday from now on and you are spending that time alone with your husband and child/children.
There is no need for you to exhaust yourself to appease others who are being inconsiderate.
How many people there at once are we talking about? I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt first, unless you tell me otherwise. Could it be that they just don't know they are doing this to you? Or do they know, but rather would just not make the effort to communicate with you?
I guess I think it would be a shame to completely write off family that cares about you if they are making a huge mistake in how they act, but they don't know it or don't know how to make it better for you. Or, in my opening sentence I was wanting to know is it about the amount of people there rather than who is there?
I guess I just need more details.
For Thansgiving, its anywhere from 12-18 people and xmas eve/xmas day it is even bigger with around 35 people easily. I host xmas eve and Easter, and other family members host T-day and Xmas Day. They DO know, as it's been the same since i married my husband which is all his family, as my own is all overseas and rarely visit my side over the holidays, and that's been 11 years now. It is just getting old for me now, and it is mostly due to a) the sheer number of people and also people who are there as they are just used to "assuming" we are ok when it isn't for us.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe
Oh gosh. I am Deaf too as is my husband. Your family sounds like a lot of my In-Laws, where they don't do accommodations (they don't even sign) but get super annoyed and hostile with us when we "inconvenient" them.
What we ended up doing is not do holidays with them since it's too frustrating and toxic. I don't know if your family situation is as problematic, but why not go smaller scale? Avoid the huge gatherings, but see the family in a more intimate setting. Why not host holiday parties and invite them in so they see what it's like on the other end?
Hard to do smaller scale as it is the immediate parents in law with 4 other siblings and their spouses with all of the combined kids. That is all the hub's family, as my own extended family is small (am an only child with elderly divoced parents) so whoever host the holiday, that is all of us together. its only different with the hostess every holiday. I suppose i could start dropping hints saying this year may be the last one i want to host, as starting to want be away over the holidays....and see what the general response is. On the other hand, i really feel once the grandma's start to go, the family will naturally split off into our own nuclear families...so might as well keep it up, since my MIL is 87 and starting to have health issues. OTTH, why should i? my own mental health is just as important as the next family member too.
I don't think it matters if the relatives understand, all that matters is that you and your husband are not enjoying the holidays under the current conditions. Nor do I think you need to leave town to change things.
Sit down and write to all involved. Tell them exactly why the holidays have become so difficult to endure, and that going forward, you will have to stop the large gatherings. As long as your husband feels the same way, know that you are making the right choice for your little family.
For Thansgiving, its anywhere from 12-18 people and xmas eve/xmas day it is even bigger with around 35 people easily. I host xmas eve and Easter, and other family members host T-day and Xmas Day. They DO know, as it's been the same since i married my husband which is all his family, as my own is all overseas and rarely visit my side over the holidays, and that's been 11 years now. It is just getting old for me now, and it is mostly due to a) the sheer number of people and also people who are there as they are just used to "assuming" we are ok when it isn't for us.
Hard to do smaller scale as it is the immediate parents in law with 4 other siblings and their spouses with all of the combined kids. That is all the hub's family, as my own extended family is small (am an only child with elderly divoced parents) so whoever host the holiday, that is all of us together. its only different with the hostess every holiday. I suppose i could start dropping hints saying this year may be the last one i want to host, as starting to want be away over the holidays....and see what the general response is. On the other hand, i really feel once the grandma's start to go, the family will naturally split off into our own nuclear families...so might as well keep it up, since my MIL is 87 and starting to have health issues. OTTH, why should i? my own mental health is just as important as the next family member too.
My opinion is do not drop hints. Tell everyone point blank that you are not able to host anymore.
And, tell them that it is just too difficult with your hearing loss to attend the large group celebrations anymore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
I don't think it matters if the relatives understand, all that matters is that you and your husband are not enjoying the holidays under the current conditions. Nor do I think you need to leave town to change things.
Sit down and write to all involved. Tell them exactly why the holidays have become so difficult to endure, and that going forward, you will have to stop the large gatherings. As long as your husband feels the same way, know that you are making the right choice for your little family.
so here i am, approaching 40 later this year, and have been reflecting a lot on life and priorities. Had/having a good life thus far, married with 2 small boys, so all is well in that aspect. The thing im tiring of late is family expectations/dynamics from my own and in laws.
we always spend major holidays together, usually have my divorced mom spend with my family and in laws over xmas eve/day and a week. Then see my divorced father with his wife over new years, and rinse and repeat with Easter spend just with in laws family & extended members. Dilemma is hubby and i are Deaf, and culturally deaf so with all our hearing family members spend over holidays, and every major holidays we try our best to lipread them, etc. But we're always get left out, not intentionally (or perhaps) because its so darn hard to follow conversation that is usually aminated by several people and jumping from topic to topic. It is getting.old to me that they seem to expect ME to do all accomodations, it is like this at every.single gathering that most of the time, after the event it is so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. My oldest son is starting to pick up on it, commenting to me that "they"re not very nice to me and daddy, and i think he is feeling conflicted that he can follow the conversations but we can't. He is only 5 too! he shouldnt' be feeling conflicted AT ALL.
so im thinking lately of wanting to just NOT spend time with our family, since they don't even bother with us. i CAN see the frustration or irration on their faces whenever we ask them to repeat, or apprently misunderstanding us. In fact, the idea of going away out of town over xmas/NYE is more appealing to me. It is far less stressful, make happier memories, etc.
Would you be understanding if you were a member of my family/in-law?
OP, I don't have any great advice for you, but I just want to say how shocked and saddened I am that it appears no one in your families have made any real effort to learn sign language and be inclusive of your family. I didn't think people did that anymore.
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