Realizing your aging parent doesn't care about you (siblings, divorced, adults)

[Eevee17]

I think what people have to realize is many older women felt pressured to have children. Especially married women. You were seen as seem misfit or weirdo. When I told my mom about five years ago I didn't want to have children, she said "I didn't either". After a pause said "As you got older, I enjoyed having you around". My mother is much this way too. Not ONLY with me. With everyone. Many of her longterm friends have left her in the dust due her bossiness and dealing people when it's convenient for her. I honestly feel if she didn't buy off many of the family members, they'd abandon her, too. I think that's part of why we never had a good relationship. When there was a rift she not only didn't want to put in the effort to make things better, she would get more mad that I didn't want some stupid trinket. My mother also caused me to have depression in my teen years.

If your mother is that toxic, I'd distance myself. It's what I had to do personally and I don't regret. Honestly, I'm the phone number change away from not dealing with her at all. Do you have siblings? If so, try to make them share some of the burden. Just because someone is your mom doesn't mean they love you or they can love at all.

[dblackga]

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

At this point, I'm realizing my mother does not really care about me, but doesn't want me to be aware of that since she is getting older and needs my help. I didn't come to this conclusion until we had an argument recently and it was clear she did not care how I felt at all or what my point of view was.

Oh, *******s. You had a fight with your mom, and now she's never loved you? I beg leave to doubt that.

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

Looking back my entire life, my mother has rarely apologized for anything she has done wrong. However, she did provide a very comfortable lifestyle for me growing up and was protective. She did a lot for me, but she also hangs it over my head constantly.

A lot of parents were raised to think that apologizing to their kids is showing weakness. How gracious of you to acknowledge that she actually did a great job of providing a comfortable childhood, that allowed you to grow up to critique her parenting skills. Some parents have a hard time transitioning from parenting a child to being the parent of an adult. Doesn't mean that they can't learn -- but to damn them because they aren't perfect is pretty demanding.

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

As a wiser adult, I've noticed the following things about our relationship:

1. We are only on good terms when I do things her way (even now that I'm in my 30's)

Isn't that true of just about anyone? Does anyone stay "friends" with you when you consistently go in a direction they disagree with?

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

2. She gets angry if I don't call her multiple times a week. However, she will not call me unless she has a reason.

Well, the getting angry if you don't call her constantly is a little overboard, I'll grant you that. On the other hand, I almost NEVER call my children -- they have busy, active lives and I learned a long time ago that they only actually call me when they really need a calm mother who will just listen and reflect back. Other than that, we text a lot, we IM a lot, we tweet, and we see each other regularly -- we communicate. Just not by phone.

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

3. My opinion and viewpoint is not respected if it is different from hers

Goes with the territory. She looks at you, and she sees a 12 year old. Even when you're 60, she might see a 20 year old. It's a common parental failing. It's hard to respect someone when you've changed their diapers. :-)

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

4. She constantly feels the need to remind me of everything she has done for me

Maybe because she feels like you've forgotten?

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

5. I've never felt like I could fully be myself around her

Not sure what this means, but I'm going to go out on a limb and observe that many kids can't "be themselves" around their parents. Some kids clean up their language around Mom because they know she doesn't like cursing. Some kids don't discuss politics with their parents, because they have different political beliefs. Some kids are still trying to figure out who in the hell they are, and they don't welcome the mirror that their parents hold up to them. And others are afraid that their parents won't love the "real" person they have become, and they will lose a mainstay in their life.

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

6. She tries to manipulate me when I don't do what she wants

Only a problem if you let her. You seem to be aware of it, so what's the problem?

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

7. I just don't feel loved, even though she says "I love you" in words. I feel like she wants me under control so that I can take care of her while she ages
I've reached a point where I'm feeling strong resentment and I don't know what to do about it. In a non-family relationship you simply walk away. But I cannot walk away from family, no do I want to.

What would you do in this situation? I'm one of those people that cannot go backwards once my trust is broken or my heart is broken. I've been feeling mild depression ever since our argument. We have "made up" but emotionally I cannot go back. I just don't see her the same way anymore and I never will.

I suggest that you grab a copy of "The 5 Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman, etc. There's several versions, for spouses, for kids, for parents, etc. Your mother may not realize that you need a different style in order to "feel the love." You're too old for the kiddie parenting version, but I believe that people are never to old to learn, especially if you can find a way to tell them what you need -- and find a way to provide them what THEY need in return. (Parents need love, too, you know.)

You have defined yourself as an unforgiving person. But consider this: Forgiving is more often for the sake of the person who has been wronged than it is for the person who has wronged you.

[Aery11]

Your mother hit you? when you were in your 30s? You say she inflicted pain ... but you are old enough now to not accept that pain .. to not be offended .. to just walk away. The only person we can really blame in the end if we don't just walk away from a losing situation, is ourselves - harsh as that may sound.


However, I don't want to seem uncompassionate since reading threads like this always are a bit painful for me because my situation may be almost the reverse - I love my daughter (who is also in her 30s) unconditionally but she puts a lot of conditions on her 'love' for me. I have had to back way off and hope that someday she grows up and comes to me. Till then, there really is not much I can do about it and I can't spend my whole life crying about it either. It does however make me somewhat nostalgic and sad at times .. for a few minutes before I go back to my own life.

[fluffythewondercat]

OP, realized that some people on here will always inappropriately take your experience personally.

I am not sure you have thought through all the ramifications of your declaration to always take care of her.

It's 2026. Your mother is 80 and can no longer live alone. You bring her home to live with your family. She treats your wife like a servant. Your kids are subjected to the same guilt-inducing machinations that marked your own upbringing. And she still has no respect for you. No matter what you do for her, it won't be enough.

One day it occurs to you that she may live to see 100. And you say, "What have I done?"

[BrassTacksGal]

Does taking care of someone always have to mean they move in with you? We took care of my in laws from 90 miles away. We hired great caretakers, with the money they had set aside for their old age, and made frequent trips to see them but we never considered having them live with us and our children. OP may have a different definition of what 'taking care' of means and it made not include moving his mother into his house. My mother was a narcissistic, borderline personality disorder. Never for one minute would I have considered moving her into my house. If she needed help we would have hired people to take care of her, using her money of course. We never had to do that because she had my father to order around, browbeat, and cater to her every whim until her death. And no, I didn't feel bad when she passed and still don't and it's been 17 years. Some people are so toxic it's hard to mourn their passing, instead it's more of a relief.

[runswithscissors]

In your 20's you're still dependent and seeking approval from parents and in your 30's you're finally separating from them - realizing they're just other human beings you happen to be related to.

If you don't want to hear her opinion on how you're doing things and what you think, then don't "share".

If you don't want to argue then just don't. There's no reason to convince her to AGREE with you if you're truly an independent adult.

What do you mean you could never "really be yourself" with her? Trust me, she knows you better than anyone unless you're keeping some deep dark secrets.

Your post could have been written by thousands of people entering their 30's. Hopefully you'll gain your independence by the time you're 40.

It's not rocket science or some melodrama. Live your life.

It's HIGHLY unlikely that she's only maintaining contact with you to be her caregiver "as she ages".

PROTIP: Leaving out her age is a little clue there's more going on here. What do you mean she "needs your help"? You didn't even mention anything she asks of you other than phone calls. All you talked about is psychological stuff.

[Zeurich]

your post hit me honestly , yesterday I had a friend who I used to go to school and her story is completely what you wrote above. She was truly in pain. Her mother also manipulates her gossiping about her even with strangers. But my friend told me " That is how my mother collect her bad karma, I still do what I can for her, it is because I don't want to collect bad Karma not because of her"

Dont be angry just do what you can. Ignore the rest

[city living]

Originally Posted by Chriz Brown

The recent argument with my mother was so emotionally traumatizing for me. She inflicted so much pain and for no reason at all other than I didn't do something on her terms. That's when it occurred to me how ridiculous and selfish she is. The idea that I'm in my 30's and I still have to follow "rules" otherwise I get emotionally abused. Its just too ridiculous. I can't do it anymore.

What depresses me most is the idea that once I stop following all the "rules" it will likely cause another episode of drama and emotional abuse and destroy the relationship further.

If you don't live with her, you don't have to follow any rules. You make rules for yourself that keep you sane.

My husband's mother is a handful so this is what he does when she starts getting nasty:

-Gets nasty on the phone? He hangs up. End of conversation. He gives her one warning. If she doesn't stop, that's it. Then he doesn't speak to her for awhile.

-Gets nasty in person? He leaves. He doesn't care. That's it.

Often times, if she pisses him off, he'll go two weeks or so without talking to her. If she doesn't "behave" he calls her out right away. He's not going over to her place to help her just so he can be treated like garbage.

I had to help him with this. He didn't used to be that way. My husband is usually so calm and easygoing. She is the only person who really gets him angry. I think one of the most disgusting things I ever heard her say to him was, "Oh you just wait! I'm going to kill myself just like your father. Then you'll feel really guilty!" He said, "You know what? I won't. Goodbye."

[gouligann]

I think that this is just your mother's personality. Even though she hurts you, she does love you. She just likes to be in charge and doesn't like it when she doesn't get her way. You can try to point this out to her, but I doubt she will change. Mine didn't.

Since you are a grown person and make your own choices, you'll have to keep your distance as much as you need to. Unless you sever ties with her, which you don't want to do, you'll have to be firm when she tries to boss you around or belittle you.

Just pick up and leave, or hang up the phone if she oversteps her boundaries. As hard as it is (through years of habit of letting her get her way) you have to keep doing this when this happens, so she understands that you aren't going to take her crap. She can yell at the door you just went out, or a phone with no one on the other end all she wants.

I know how this feels. My mother was very similar. Hang in there.

[reneeh63]

Originally Posted by Eevee17

I think what people have to realize is many older women felt pressured to have children. Especially married women. You were seen as seem misfit or weirdo. When I told my mom about five years ago I didn't want to have children, she said "I didn't either". After a pause said "As you got older, I enjoyed having you around". My mother is much this way too. Not ONLY with me. With everyone. Many of her longterm friends have left her in the dust due her bossiness and dealing people when it's convenient for her. I honestly feel if she didn't buy off many of the family members, they'd abandon her, too. I think that's part of why we never had a good relationship. When there was a rift she not only didn't want to put in the effort to make things better, she would get more mad that I didn't want some stupid trinket. My mother also caused me to have depression in my teen years.

If your mother is that toxic, I'd distance myself. It's what I had to do personally and I don't regret. Honestly, I'm the phone number change away from not dealing with her at all. Do you have siblings? If so, try to make them share some of the burden. Just because someone is your mom doesn't mean they love you or they can love at all.

Totally agree....I have no idea why my parents married (I have a feeling my dad may have been closeted gay) and had kids (even adopting my slightly older sister which was a very big deal) except that they were late twenties/early thirties and the pressure was on them, back in the 1950's.

My mom was always very cool, manipulative, and disinterested. As a couple later examples, after I got divorced she actually told me she could understand why he left! She said my sister was "lower than a worm" and I don't even know what she meant by that but she said it very viciously. So I kind of did the minimum in her later years keeping what distance I could - not fun at all.