Realizing your aging parent doesn't care about you (college, issues, mother)
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But as another person said.. the wounds are not physical and society has a way of making you look like the bad person when you abandon your mother who raised you and took care of you. Its even worse when you're a man because then people just think you're weak and a bad son. A lot of people are dumb and don't understand that people can do kind things for you and still be evil. I'll get the guilt trip from her.. plus I'll get it from everyone else in the world who doesn't understand the situation.
Also, I don't think its necessary to go that extreme yet.
Over the years I have learnt to not really disclose any details about why I am not in contact with my mother. People do judge and unless you've actually experienced it, it's hard to comprehend why a person would not just forgive every little thing their parent did if they weren't actually physically abusing or neglecting you (and even then, some people think you should still allow them in your life 😵.
I think there is a whole generation of us out there with these reluctant mothers who got caught up between society's expectation of them to become mothers and housewives and the world of possibilities that was opening up to them at that time. They really can't let go of that regret that they didn't go out into the world and do what they really wanted, and we're stuck paying the price.
Going through a lot of mixed emotions and not sure what to do.
I'm in my 30's and I've always had a good relationship with my mother (I thought) but looking back now as an older and wiser adult I'm realizing that the relationship was always on the controlling and emotionally abusive side. But how would I know that if I've never known anything else?
At this point, I'm realizing my mother does not really care about me, but doesn't want me to be aware of that since she is getting older and needs my help. I didn't come to this conclusion until we had an argument recently and it was clear she did not care how I felt at all or what my point of view was.
Looking back my entire life, my mother has rarely apologized for anything she has done wrong. However, she did provide a very comfortable lifestyle for me growing up and was protective. She did a lot for me, but she also hangs it over my head constantly.
As a wiser adult, I've noticed the following things about our relationship:
1. We are only on good terms when I do things her way (even now that I'm in my 30's)
2. She gets angry if I don't call her multiple times a week. However, she will not call me unless she has a reason.
3. My opinion and viewpoint is not respected if it is different from hers
4. She constantly feels the need to remind me of everything she has done for me
5. I've never felt like I could fully be myself around her
6. She tries to manipulate me when I don't do what she wants
7. I just don't feel loved, even though she says "I love you" in words. I feel like she wants me under control so that I can take care of her while she ages
I've reached a point where I'm feeling strong resentment and I don't know what to do about it. In a non-family relationship you simply walk away. But I cannot walk away from family, no do I want to.
What would you do in this situation? I'm one of those people that cannot go backwards once my trust is broken or my heart is broken. I've been feeling mild depression ever since our argument. We have "made up" but emotionally I cannot go back. I just don't see her the same way anymore and I never will.
I've been in your shoes although I was younger when I came to the realization that my mother never wanted children and resented me. She was very manipulative and would do almost anything to get her way.
My advice is to do the right thing since you will have to live with yourself, but don't forget who you are dealing with, so you don't get suckered in. You want her to be a loving, cookie-baking mother, who loves you and has your best interest at heart. That's what we all want, but some of us got the lying, manipulating, back-stabbing mother who doesn't want to know us, doesn't like us and doesn't really love us. Just accept it and watch your back, so you don't get hurt. Minimize the relationship, while still making sure she is taken care of in her old age.
This is going to sound cold, but I got lucky, my mother died when I was in my twenties. All I felt was relief. No more games. That was her legacy, not my fault. Don't let your mother hurt you over and over again. Face the truth of who she is and move on. Focus on the good people in life who do have your best interest at heart.
My mother died when she was almost 71 and my dad died when he was almost 80. I can not recall them ever even one time "cursing me out" or cursing any of my siblings out, or cursing anyone else out either.
That is not normal.
Set some boundaries. Perhaps, start by telling your mother that you will call Wednesday night at 7 PM and Sunday afternoon at 1 PM (or whenever is convenient for you). And, if she swears, you will hang up and not call her again until your next assigned time. Tell her, that of course, if she is in the hospital, she should have the doctor or a nurse call you, but other than that, you will not accept any phone calls.
I am almost as old as your mother and I am the full time care giver of my disabled husband. Guess how often our 33 year old son calls? About once every week or two. And that is perfectly fine with us. If I haven't heard from him in three weeks I call him & leave a message if he does not answer.
Great advice. No one in my family ever cussed anyone out and if they had it would not have been tolerated.
When our kids were in college we asked them to call at least once a month. They would do that and sometimes call more often. The boys are now in their 30's and we would never expect them to call every week or even every other week. If I want to talk with them I call but since they are so busy, we wait for them to call every few weeks, sometimes longer. For my friends with daughters, it's totally different. They hear from their daughters daily or at least several times a week.
But as another person said.. the wounds are not physical and society has a way of making you look like the bad person when you abandon your mother who raised you and took care of you. Its even worse when you're a man because then people just think you're weak and a bad son. A lot of people are dumb and don't understand that people can do kind things for you and still be evil. I'll get the guilt trip from her.. plus I'll get it from everyone else in the world who doesn't understand the situation.
People who don't grow up in dysfunctional families have no idea what it's like for those who do. We've seen that play out again and again on this forum.
In the fullness of time you will come to realize that it doesn't matter what most other people think. You will find your experience validated by those who have had similar upbringings. I've been fortunate to be able to connect with such people, because my "normal" friends have no clue and can't relate.
I went no-contact with my mother last year when it finally became obvious that if I allowed her any kind of access to me at all she would use it to manipulate and wound. Her usual histrionics had been amplified in recent years once she learned I had a surrogate parent-child relationship with my MIL, who was nothing but loving and kind to me. Now, gifts and birthday cards from bio-mom go straight into the trash without opening. Texts are ignored, phone calls unanswered.
My MIL died quite recently and while I miss her, I will always feel her love keeping me safe.
I think there is a whole generation of us out there with these reluctant mothers who got caught up between society's expectation of them to become mothers and housewives and the world of possibilities that was opening up to them at that time. They really can't let go of that regret that they didn't go out into the world and do what they really wanted, and we're stuck paying the price.
I think there is a whole generation of us out there with these reluctant mothers who got caught up between society's expectation of them to become mothers and housewives and the world of possibilities that was opening up to them at that time. They really can't let go of that regret that they didn't go out into the world and do what they really wanted, and we're stuck paying the price.
Insightful and well said.
There have always been "reluctant mothers" who for whatever reason didn't want children. They are not a product of any one generation of women who experienced new opportunities opening up to them, although I'm sure what you have described was a factor for some women.
Last edited by lily4; 10-07-2016 at 08:57 AM..
Reason: typo
While yes there have always been reluctant mothers, I think it is more apparent and more painful for this particular group of 60-70 something mothers that were coming of age right as women's lib was taking off, these are the women who were promised the most, and as a result, feel robbed the most.
I was talking with a friend recently after a visit with my mother, and I told her I'd just come to accept that she would rewrite every event in her past to show herself in the best possible light. She can't cope with a history in which she's less than perfect. So I just wanted to expand on some stuff I talked about earlier.
Set your boundaries for sure, but also if you want to have a relationship with your mother, accept her limitations. She's never going to be the mother you want or need. So let it go. Just don't let her suck you into her crazy or ding your sense of self. Keep those boundaries high.
And watch out for dysfunctional behaviors that you may have learned from her. When I was still in high school, I could be a lot like my mother - I'd go for the soft underbelly of my opponent to win any argument. And it's just not worth it. I don't want to be that person.
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