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Aliss, in your province there are probably facilities subsidized by the government for those physically able but with dementia too mild for a nursing home. There are in my province at least, although government approval is required to get in. In my mother's case it was an issue of safety as she couldn't be trusted not to leave home and become disoriented. Residents are monitored 24/7, doors are locked, but the atmosphere isn't institutional at all as it would be on a nursing home.
There are also drugs, Aricept comes to mind, which may slow down the progression of your FIL's dementia (I am assuming that's what he has).
I guess I'm trying to say that you would probably feel more in control if you could get your FIL evaluated and possibly medicated and if you did some research as to elder resources available (including researching facilities should one be required down the road).
You're very young to be dealing with this. Right now it's normally the baby boomer generation who are dealing with elderly parents with dementia. Your husband may have to face up to the fact roles may have to be reversed and he become the parent and his father the child. It's difficult for everyone.
We're in AB. I do feel awfully young to bear this, my mom is 52! I'm still dealing with toilet training a disabled 6 year old. At what point can one person take so much?
My spouse supports us 1st, fortunately, now it is the matter of ending this without ruining a formerly good relationship. If he's refusing help, I can accept that, but not at my own sanity.
I did a Google search using the words - calgary seniors housing directory (you can substitute the name of your nearest city/town) and as I thought, Calgary has such a directory, similar to my own city. It contains ALL the senior housing options, including nursing homes (personal care homes) and independent living.
If you look at the bottom right of the PDF "slide show" screen there's a place to click to enlarge the slideshow to full screen to view.
I urge you to take a quick look through the pages, particularly the large ads, to see the various types of accommodations and what additional features are offered. Even if your FIL returns to his home province, your husband may have to deal, long distance, with helping him arrange appropriate housing there at some point. It helps to have some sort of idea what types of housing are available. In that situation I'd suggest doing a Google housing search in French.
The inability to respect boundaries and an unawareness of when someone is imposing are pretty normal for the beginning of dementia. So is getting mad when someone expresses concern, and refusing to see a doctor. And following you around asking you questions, and being suspicious of you.
It only gets more difficult as time goes on, and it affects your kids too, especially when the relative gets to the stage where they don't recognize the kids as their relatives and behave inappropriately with them or scream at them or other unpleasant things. It's really hard when you're raising young kids and trying to deal with a parent with dementia. My dad's dementia got to the point where he chases my kids around the house and waves his fists at them and says things to make them cry. Both of my kids have OCD and the grandpa situation caused a major flare for both of them. I can't visit my dad at his house without the kids because I'm really allergic to my mom's cats, and my dad can't go anywhere that doesn't have a lock on the door to keep him from running away, so I haven't seen him since Easter. I'm really sad about it but I have to protect my kids.
Good points.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2
Thank you. I do agree he needs to be seen, although in my heart I suspect this is more anxiety than dementia. But I'm no doctor, and that's a doctor's job. He has no doctor here but is visiting a specialist next month - my spouse may try to call and ask. I'm not sure they will accept that. But FIL is adamant that he's totally fine and extremely resentful at any suggestion otherwise.
Financially, he has an exceptionally good pension, money is not a single fuss here. It really is about a clash of lifestyle and possible health concern. He has asked for a "sit down" with husband about me, so who knows, maybe he's already ready to leave on his own.
Frankly, if it was me, I would require a complete medical evaluation (and if the doctor recommends a psychological exam, I would require that, too) before allowing him to live with your family. Waiting a month to see a general practitioner, when you have concerns, seems pretty long.
Look at it this way, if he was a room mate, and not a family member would you tolerate his behavior even for one week? I bet not.
If he does have the start of dementia or Alzheimer's you need to be prepared for the future.
FIL & my spouse talked over an hour last night. He's moving back to ex girlfriend. They've been talking a lot. He seems to understand that I cannot fulfill her role of listening to him all day.
I'm teach online and yesterday was midterm start. Needless to say, it was a 12 hour work day. My children left me alone, but he could not. By 10am, I had to tell him to stop and leave me alone. After this, he seemed to be angry but accepted this conclusion.
The plane for end of Nov. is now a one way.
FIL was always a high business exec in life. He has always been one to have people kiss ass and enjoy him interrupting then at work. This seems to be exacerbated in later age.
I think he said that out of anger. He acts like nothing happened.
Dang.
*Added* I just saw your last update. It's too bad you can't get him to go back before the end of Nov. He or the GF could change their mind before then!!
I can't imagine putting up with what you are putting up with. Stories like this are why we've never allowed my anxiety-ridden MIL to move in with us....I know it would be a big mistake.
I don't think he will. He's really, really happy now. I think this was major anxiety and falling into depression. I don't think he was ready to make this change and he's admitted as much. Not sure what happens later, but he now knows he's not able to handle this situation.
His girlfriend's daughter/husband/2 kids lived with them during a house build. He did the same. He thought he wouldn't feel that way with *his* son/family. But he's just not interested in kids/being independent emotionally. That's all.
Thank you. I do agree he needs to be seen, although in my heart I suspect this is more anxiety than dementia. But I'm no doctor, and that's a doctor's job. He has no doctor here but is visiting a specialist next month - my spouse may try to call and ask. I'm not sure they will accept that. But FIL is adamant that he's totally fine and extremely resentful at any suggestion otherwise.
They may not wish to discuss your FIL's condition without his permission, but they may take your concerns under advisement. Just make the call, explain what you've witnessed and are concerned about. And let them do what they need to with that information.
FIL boxed everything and shipped it. His flight leaves tomorrow. He seems to be in a good mood. I think this is a situation that is best by not living together, that's all. I do truly believe he has anxiety but he has zero interest in change or even compromise, so this is best. He is again back to constantly disrupting me while working or disturbing his sons sleep, so we'll wait out 1.5 days and survive.
My kids do not care he is leaving and that breaks my heart. He was so mean to them. They are young so I hope they forget thus.
FIL boxed everything and shipped it. His flight leaves tomorrow. He seems to be in a good mood. I think this is a situation that is best by not living together, that's all. I do truly believe he has anxiety but he has zero interest in change or even compromise, so this is best. He is again back to constantly disrupting me while working or disturbing his sons sleep, so we'll wait out 1.5 days and survive.
My kids do not care he is leaving and that breaks my heart. He was so mean to them. They are young so I hope they forget thus.
This is all sooooo bizarre! I wish good luck to all of you!
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