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Good Morning! As I said, this is my first post. I am a new member and I am very happy and excited to be on City-Data.
I would like to know what you would recommend to someone who is not getting what they need emotionally from the people in their life. This includes my "significant other" but since this is the non-romantic relationships forum, I will specifically address my friendships.
It seems that in every case, people are only interested in their own problems and issues. When I speak with my friends about things that are important to me, they are discounted and immediately the subject changes to THEIR issues, and concerns.
I do not bring this up to my friends, of course, because I do not want to cause conflict and I know they will become defensive if I do.
Perhaps you will say to find other friends, but first of all, I find this to be consistent with all the friends I have, and secondly, it is difficult to find people who have the time and are interested in becoming friends. Most of them originate from my workplace because we have something in common (work) and the time to develop a friendly relationship within the confines of the workplace. I also have some friends that I have met through other means such as shared mutual interests, after-work activities, etc., but they too do not seem interested in discussing anything except themselves, and also it is hard to develop a strong relationship with them because our time is very limited.
This situation makes me very unhappy because I do not feel as though I am "sharing" anything meaningful with anyone. It feels like people are talking AT me and that I have no purpose to them other than someone to listen to their endless problems and situations (i.e. drama). Here is an example of a conversation that I had this week to illustrate what I am talking about....
ME: Hi Mary, how are you doing today?
Mary: Fine, and you?
ME: I am great. I had a fun weekend. I went to a concert downtown. It was wonderful.
Mary: That's nice. You know my niece? The one who is pregnant? Well, she is having trouble with her high blood pressure and they are talking about inducing labor early.
ME: Oh dear, that is terrible. But these days having a baby a little early is not too bad and it will be better than having complications from the high blood pressure.
Mary: Yes, but we are very worried because they had to do this with her first baby and that caused some serious problems.
ME: I'm sure things will be fine. Oh, I have to get to work now. Let me know what happens, ok?
Mary: OK. I don't know if I am going to be here all day because I want to leave early in case they have to do this.
ME: Oh, OK, well. I will talk to you later then.
Mary: OK, I am just a nervous wreck about it. I read where high blood pressure can cause a stroke when you are pregnant.
ME: Oh, OK, well, I'm sure things are going to be just fine. You will see. Talk to you later.
Mary: I hope so because her mother had a small stroke when she was pregnant and that kind of thing runs in the family.
ME: Oh OK, well, I'm sure it will be ok. (runs out the door)
Then there was this conversation with a DIFFERENT PERSON:
Me: Hi. Ann, oh my goodness it has been a long time since I have seen you! How are you?
Ann: Well, I am not so good. I had to get a second job to pay for my daughter's parking tickets or else they would arrest her.
Me: Wow, she must have a lot of parking tickets. You look good, did you cut your hair?
Ann: Yes, she has a lot of tickets. Where she works they don't provide parking and she has to either pay by the month, which she cannot afford, or park on the street. If she forgets to go put change in the meter they give her a ticket. I told her to start riding the bus or ride with someone else but she won't do it because she likes to be able to go someplace after work if she wants to.
Me: Yes, I understand that. I run a lot of errands, or sometimes go grocery shopping after work.
Ann: It's all because of her stupid boyfriend who spends all her money on video games and beer. If it was not for him then she would have money for the parking garage. I tell her all the time to get rid of that bum, but she won't listen.
Me: Kids don't listen to their parents; they think they know everything. We were the same way. What are you doing on your second job?
Ann: I hate it. I have to wash dishes at a restaurant. It was the only job I could get. If my daughter wasn't with that stupid bum I wouldn't have to do it.
ME: Washing dishes isn't such a bad job. I washed dishes once when I was younger. But you have to watch out for those knives, ha ha.
Ann: If my daughter would get a decent man who had a good job and contributed to the family instead of taking her money and throwing it away on beer and video games she would have a better life. I don't like the idea that her daughter sees how this man treats her.
ME: yes, that is too bad. (bored with the conversation), well, I better run now, I don't want to be late getting back to work.
Ann: OK bye.
You open the conversation by asking them a rather open-ended question. When they respond to that question with something that is weighing heavily on their minds, you immediately work to end the conversation. This is not a quality of someone who cares about the other person, because you are discounting what they say as being something unimportant, even though it obviously is to them.
It could be either that:
- you don't seem to open up much and people think unless you really have something to share you'd rather listen to them
- you might have that caring, empathetic mannerism which makes everyone think they can share their issues with you
- you are an outlier in your group who is genuinely not bogged down by life issues
You open the conversation by asking them a rather open-ended question. When they respond to that question with something that is weighing heavily on their minds, you immediately work to end the conversation. This is not a quality of someone who cares about the other person, because you are discounting what they say as being something unimportant, even though it obviously is to them.
Of course I care about the other person. But just once in a while I would like to have a nice conversation where both parties participate and share, no just one sided EVERY TIME. I know life is stressful and people have problems *everybody* has problems. Does this mean that it is impossible to have a happy, light-hearted, joyful conversation once in a while? Really? Does everyone have conversations like this CONSTANTLY just so they can prove they "care"?
You're trying to find emotional fulfillment in others when you need to gain that within yourself, no one can fix that but you. This is also why people see you as a emotional dump ground because you're not displaying being someone who has a healthy emotional relationship with yourself.
You continue to gravitate toward toxic people and them to you because you're both operating on a emotional low vibration, like attracts like. If you were emotionally fulfilled within yourself, people would happily come to you with positive and light hearted convos, but you are not happy emotionally within yourself and closed off and other people can easily pick up on that and will treat you accordingly.
Look in the mirror and figure out why you're not happy and start taking the steps to fix that, you're an emotional vampire and emotional healthy people will continue to stir clear of you.
Last edited by Shysister; 11-03-2016 at 11:35 AM..
Maybe you should journal more of these conversations like you did above. Then go back and examine them. Do you see where you opened the door? Do you see how you might have given them reinforcement for complaining about negative things?
It sounds like you are very conscious of trying to be a "nice person" but that this opens the door to people dumping problems on you because "you're such a good listener." I went through a similar stage in my 20s when I was training in my field (mental health). I had all these wonderful classes about learning counseling skills, listening skills, communication skills, and I made the honest mistake of practicing them in my personal life instead of just in sessions with clients. The problem is, most people out in the real world are not good listeners, don't listen and respond with empathy, and don't ask follow-up exploratory questions. I did that, so suddenly I was a magnet. I had all kinds of acquaintances pouring out their problems to me, and guys I only casually spoke with deciding I was "so different from other girls" and suddenly I was the love of their life.
You might mot be doing these things as much as I did, but you are probably someone for whom empathy, openness and "niceness" comes naturally. So you're a target as much as I was. Those are great traits to have, but save them for the people you're very, very close with. With the rest of the people, try to build some stronger boundaries. Be willing to accept that some people might decide you're "cold" or even a b*tch. You're a human being with needs. Not everyone's therapist, and not a nice fluffy pillow that everyone can lie on.
Remember that every time you respond to negative woe-is-me statements, you are reinforcing them, giving them a reward and making it more likely they will continue. The people who ignore the complaining, or who "punish" it don't reinforce it, and the complainer goes elsewhere (to those open, nice, empathic people). Even something like commenting "wow, so sorry to hear that" or "that must be terrible" reinforces the complaining, even if you say "wow, that must be terrible" and then try to move to another subject. the important thing was that you just reinforced the complaining, and that you are still giving them attention, even if you are trying to change the subject. These people go around all day, casting out fishing lines with their negative stories, as soon as they get a bite, they reel you in.
Practice exiting the conversation immediately after the complaining starts. Don't even acknowledges it. Just say, "I really, have to go, so good to see you again, bye" and GO. Either they will learn that complaining does not keep you giving them attention and they will switch to more pleasant interactions, or they will just stop coming to you.
You open the conversation by asking them a rather open-ended question. When they respond to that question with something that is weighing heavily on their minds, you immediately work to end the conversation. This is not a quality of someone who cares about the other person, because you are discounting what they say as being something unimportant, even though it obviously is to them.
And there you have it!
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