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I've posted elsewhere about my Mom, who sounds like yours, OP. Not a full-blown narcissist by any means, but highly critical, and tends to find ways to "insult me with a smile."
I was about your age, 29, when I finally started to not let it bother me so much. I would not label it "overreacting" because she's your mom, and girls get a lot of their ideas of self-worth from their moms. What would just be a little dig from someone else can feel like a dagger when you're a young woman and it comes from your mom.
My mom would do things like:
--When seeing my very first apartment, she said "Oh this looks nice...are you going to leave the furniture that way?" or we go out for a family dinner, and she says "oh, is that what you're wearing?" The trap: I can't say anything because she didn't actually insult me. I'd be just "reading into things."
--In my 20s when I'd visit, she'd hand me $100 and tell me to go shopping for some clothes, because I obviously need some, with that "get-up" I'm wearing today. The trap is: I can't say anything about her insulting me, because she's being "nice" by trying to give me money, and then I'm a terrible person.
--She would look at some feature of my face or body, point out how something's wrong with it, and then say it's just like hers. Example: My hair was up and she said "Oh, you've always had that low hairline on the back of your neck like mine. That's why I could never wear my hair up." or "You're short-waisted like me, so we can never wear mid-rise pants without looking ridiculous." The trap: So if I am insulted, I'm actually insulting her, because she has a similar feature.
--I have a Master's degree and always had all As in school. She would say insulting things about other people who are "over-educated," who went to college but have no common sense, or who still think as adults that it's "so great" that they were A-students. The trap: she's talking about other people, not me, so if I'm insulted, I'm overly sensitive.
--I am happily an introvert. I don't have social anxiety but I prefer to have a lot of alone time, and to hang out with only one friend at a time rather than a huge group. She would say things like I'm such a "shy hermit" like my father, or "Anyone who can only spend time with one friend at a time is insecure." The trap: if I try to explain that introversion is not a pathology but just a personality type, then I'm "proving her right" because I'm "protesting too much" by introducing academic information to back up my assertion.
--Even if I would calmly, assertively speak up and say that she just said something that hurt me, she'd laugh and say I'm always too sensitive. The trap: Simple being assertive damns me for being overly sensitive.
I finally got to the point where I could tell myself, and really believe that my mom's opinion just might not be valid. She doesn't have to have so much power over my self-worth like she did when I was a little girl and had no choice in the matter. She's just a flawed human being, so why should I let her opinion hurt me so? I also figured out that in some ways she's envious of me, and some of the insults come from that. It took about a year, maybe from age 28-ish to almost 30, for me to finally put her in the right "box" in my head. she is still in my life, but her words have no power over me. I can make a joke about it, and she gets stuck about what to say next, because I stopped reacting by being "too sensitive." I can vent about the silly things she says here, have other posters say how crazy she sounds, and laugh a little and move on.
thank you for the response. and how you ended all your bullet points is the exact reason why i have never stood up for myself or spoken to her about and i just take it. i just know she will turn it around on me and say something about how *I* must have an issue that anything she says bothers me.
hopefully slowly but surely i can figure out a way to let it just roll off my back.
In your first example, it sounds like your mom just wants reassurance that you won't forget about her. It's scary getting old! Or she was waiting for you to say, "Mom, you won't go to a home. You will move in with me!"
In the second example, I talk to my kids like that all the time. I'm honest with them about their positive and negative traits. It would never occur to me that they would burst into tears over it (I hope they don't!)
You need to figure out why her opinion is so important to you. Do you have a significant other in your life? If not, maybe her opinion is the most important to you (certainly the loudest).
I remember finally finding the love of my life. When my mom complained about my weight for the one millionth time, I shot back, "Well Jim LOVES my curves!" with a wink. She never made that comment again. I guess she realized it had lost it's power over me.
i do have a boyfriend of 6 1/2 years. definitely helps that he accepts me 100% the way i am. but yes, her opinion is the loudest and i need to find a way to mute it.
It helped me a lot to talk to other women my age who had moms who acted like this. I had a friend/co-worker around that time (age 28-30) whose mom said almost identical things to her all her life. We could give each other examples and laugh because it was like our moms had read the same book. I remember how this friendship affected me positively because I saw her was very intelligent, successful and beautiful, and if her mom could make her feel like my mom mad me feel, then perhaps both our moms were screwed up.
I also "collected" little stories from other people who would talk about hurtful things their mothers said while growing up, and sometimes it was word-for-word what my mom said. (Example, "Oh don't be so dramatic, look! It's Sarah Bernhardt!") That helped me see it was really, laughably absurd. Sorry, mom, I'm not too familiar with the 19th century French stage. But I was shocked at how many women I met whose moms said the same thing, and I doubt THEY even knew who Sarah Bernhardt was. If some insult is so common as to be "scripted" like that, it must be just some meaningless trite thing that pours out of her mouth without her even thinking about, maybe because she even heard the same thing from her own mom when she was growing up. Some of these repetitive examples I heard from women who were seeing me for therapy. While I was helping them, I was putting those little examples in my back pocket to think about later. Then I'd think about it--wow, the mothers of all these people with some pretty severe mental health problems said the same sh*t my own mom says. I guess 1) I'm fortunate she wasn't as bad as those mothers, or 2) I guess I'm not alone, or 3) this robotic repeating of insulting "sayings" seems to be handed down in lots of families.
Since the advent of the internet, I like to also come to places like this, and I see examples of my own stories in numerous stories from other people. So many of us got this same kind of "mom opinion poisoning" and we all survived.
At this point in my life, I kind of just view her as a bit of a caricature. Yes, I still love, her, but I laugh at her flaws instead of letting them hurt me. Her biggest flaw is to feel better about herself by insulting select other people (not everyone--some people are "uninsultable" in her eyes), and I happen to be one of those people. I crack a joke about it when it makes sense to, or just brush it off if a joke would not fit the situation. then I kind of feel sorry for her. I think that helped a lot too. The minute you feel even a little pity for someone, they have no power over you.
This thread has been a good wake up call to me regarding the power my remarks have over my kids. Not sure how different it is since they are men.
I guess I always felt that if my opinion did carry any weight, it would impact their behavior. My teenager would do a better job with his personal grooming. My son in his 20s would eat better and be more aggressive about finding a better job. I guess my remarks do have an impact after all, just maybe in a negative way.
This thread has been a good wake up call to me regarding the power my remarks have over my kids. Not sure how different it is since they are men.
I guess I always felt that if my opinion did carry any weight, it would impact their behavior. My teenager would do a better job with his personal grooming. My son in his 20s would eat better and be more aggressive about finding a better job. I guess my remarks do have an impact after all, just maybe in a negative way.
i have two older brothers and they are totally unphased by my mom's remarks. the middle one 100% unphased, the oldest one maybe bothered a *little* bit, but nowhere near the extent that it upsets me.
i also don't think they get as many comments as i get though.
there are ways to say certain things. like if my mom was genuinely worried about not being visited in a nursing home, she could say "i really hope you visit me if i'm ever in a nursing home, i will need you to be there for me" as opposed to "i was telling my coworker about how you guys are never going to visit me when i'm in the nursing home".... you know? like just already implying that she knows me and my brothers aren't going to visit her because we are selfish which is just not the case but somehow has a way of making me feel like oh my god i am a horrible person.
Your mother is exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviour I think - see TracySam's examples.
You either just have to accept that she is the type that will do that and that your dynamic with her probably won't change unless YOU change (in other words, when she does that, if you can't stand it, turn tail and walk away - every time!). Don't let her affect you. If you have to do it often enough, maybe she will get the message. But don't stand there for one extra second when she does it.
You could try just bluntly telling her that SHE is the one trying to make sure you won't visit her in the old age home by saying things like that - that she is going to make her own prophecy come true if she chases you away. Maybe she will wake up and try to watch what she says better - but I wouldn't count on it. She has probably been doing this for too many years now.
Half my relatives make snarky remarks like that .. I no longer have anything to do with them because they think that is OK and I don't.
Good luck. I am sorry you have to deal with this .. and worse, it is your mother, not just some cousin (as I had to dump).
This thread has been a good wake up call to me regarding the power my remarks have over my kids. Not sure how different it is since they are men.
I guess I always felt that if my opinion did carry any weight, it would impact their behavior. My teenager would do a better job with his personal grooming. My son in his 20s would eat better and be more aggressive about finding a better job. I guess my remarks do have an impact after all, just maybe in a negative way.
It's good that you recognize what you're doing. Praising kids always works better than being negative with them. That just causes them to feel bad about themselves which can, in the extreme, lead to depression.
When your son does a good job with his grooming, tell him how nice he looks and keep the negative to yourself. Isn't that we're always supposed to do as parents? Praise good behavior and ignore negative behavior?
Does your son with the not-so-great job lack self esteem? That often happens to kids whose parents criticize them. They internalize it. It changes who they are and how they think about themselves. It takes a thousand "atta boys" to make up for one 'Why don't you get a better job?" or "why don't you do something about your appearance?'.
You've got a long way to go, but recognizing it and wanting to change it, is the first and most important step.
When I realized I was doing that to my sons when they were very young, I got into therapy and worked hard to change it. They're adults, both well educated and successful, one is married and the other in a serious relationship. I still have to watch what I say because the old negative stuff can slip through. The younger son has always been the happier of the two and more confident and outgoing. I suspect that's because he had fewer years with negative, critical, mom.
Last edited by BrassTacksGal; 11-04-2016 at 12:14 AM..
BTW, I had a negative, nasty, passive aggressive, mother like the OP. Unfortunately I visited some of that on my sons before I got counseling. I also learned to apologize when I slipped up and did or said something with them that I shouldn't have.
Being a parent is not for sissys, it's darn hard but we all do the best we can.
"i have two older brothers and they are totally unphased by my mom's remarks. the middle one 100% unphased, the oldest one maybe bothered a *little* bit, but nowhere near the extent that it upsets me.
i also don't think they get as many comments as i get though."
I doubt they are unphased by what your mother says, they may just be better at hiding their feelings. Men can be more stoic that we can. It could also be that your mother preferred your brothers and has always given them much less grief that she gives you. I know that was the case with my mother and my brother. My mother much preferred men to women and much preferred my brother to me. He was the 'golden child' and ended up an emotional mess who made his kids emotional messes.
I hate that this stuff just keeps getting passed down generation to generation.
OP, I haven't read all the posts yet, but after reading your first two posts, I'd just like to say that you CAN respond to her to let her know that her behavior is not acceptable. For example, the next time she says you'll never come see her when she's in a nursing home, you can say,
"You're always so critical when I do come and visit! If you continue this way, you're right--I'll have to start avoiding you. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because you're mean to me when I visit."
If she argues with you, or accuses you of something after you say that, tell her you can't take her disparaging comments anymore, and leave. You don't have to stand there and take it, you can walk out.
If she says you're not very friendly and outgoing, you can say, "That's because I have social anxiety. I always hope you'll be supportive of me, but time and again you put me down for that. I need you to stop that. Enough is enough. It's hurtful."
You can draw boundaries. But you'll have to speak up for yourself. You'll have to advocate for yourself.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-04-2016 at 12:27 AM..
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