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I don't know if this is the right place (if not please re-direct.)
My DH and i are at our wit's end with his sister. She is an unmarried, very sharp lady who lives in a nice senior residence hotel in Chicago. The type on the lakefront with meals, maid service, etc.
First of all, she has health problems - vision and spinal pain due to fusion surgery at age 80, due to scoliosis.) The problem is she is just so darn hard to deal with. Frankly, she has always been a "pill" since the day I met her 37 years ago. She has a mean streak and can be quite cruel, and cutting in her remarks dealing with people.
Bottom line, she won't let us help her. We have offered to do the holidays with her, arrange transportation to go to her doctor which she very much needs to go, help her in anyway she requires, bring things to her, etc. but she refuses our help - refuses to answer her phone, and when we drive up there she is unfriendly and refuses all our attempts to offer her assistance.
Her money is running out as they keep raising her rent, she can barely see to get around but yet she s adament about rejecting our assistance.
Anyone ever experience anything like this?
P.S. We are the only relatives she has within 100's of miles.
Thanks!
Last edited by odonegan; 11-14-2016 at 06:32 PM..
Reason: correcting errors
You cannot help people who do not want to be helped. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing.....it doesn't do you any good and it annoys the pig.
All you and your husband are going to do is wear yourselves out trying to help. As long as she is legally competent, you are helpless. You will be batting your heads against a brick wall. It's hard to accept (believe me, I know.....I know). Don't fall into feeling "guilty" ("Oh, maybe there was something else we could have done.....") Time to ease the door shut. Send her cheerful cards and call her occasionally (if she won't answer the phone, just leave a cheerful message) but don't go there and open yourself up for abuse from her. I know this sounds hard-hearted, but there comes a time when all you can do is throw your hands up in the air and say "I'VE TRIED IT ALL! I GIVE UP!"
You might also want to post over on the caregiving forum. The folks over there have seen it all and done it all. Good advice over there.
If she is cognitively aware there really is not very much that you can do.
Perhaps, you can make sure that the apartment manager and her next door neighbors have your contact information so if (or when) she falls and breaks her hip or has a heart attack or is evicted for not paying rent they can notify you. But, unless you are listed on her POA for health care and/or finances there may not be very much you can do at that point to help her.
You say her mind is sharp and she lives in Chicago. Why would she need your help to arrange transportation to her doctor? She could simply call a cab. In my city there are even special cab services for those in wheelchairs.
What things do you think she needs you to bring to her that she can't arrange to get on her own or with help from other residents/friends/acquaintances?
How do you know she is running out of money? It seems odd that she would discuss her finances with you, given her hostility.
To be honest it sounds as if she doesn't enjoy the company of you and/or your husband (maybe because she resents being nagged?) so why would she want to spend the holidays with you?
You say her mind is sharp and she lives in Chicago. Why would she need your help to arrange transportation to her doctor? She could simply call a cab. In my city there are even special cab services for those in wheelchairs.
What things do you think she needs you to bring to her that she can't arrange to get on her own or with help from other residents/friends/acquaintances?
How do you know she is running out of money? It seems odd that she would discuss her finances with you, given her hostility.
To be honest it sounds as if she doesn't enjoy the company of you and/or your husband (maybe because she resents being nagged?) so why would she want to spend the holidays with you?
Nothing about this story makes sense. OP, why are you bothering this poor old woman? Take a hint and leave her in peace! And stop counting her money FGS.
You say her mind is sharp and she lives in Chicago. Why would she need your help to arrange transportation to her doctor? She could simply call a cab. In my city there are even special cab services for those in wheelchairs.
What things do you think she needs you to bring to her that she can't arrange to get on her own or with help from other residents/friends/acquaintances?
How do you know she is running out of money? It seems odd that she would discuss her finances with you, given her hostility.
To be honest it sounds as if she doesn't enjoy the company of you and/or your husband (maybe because she resents being nagged?) so why would she want to spend the holidays with you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Nothing about this story makes sense. OP, why are you bothering this poor old woman? Take a hint and leave her in peace! And stop counting her money FGS.
What these two said. A lot of the senior residence apartments have regular doctor transportation, visits to shopping centers, etc. She has her friends there. Meals are provided, and sometimes entertainment.
You seem a little focused on her money. She evidently is picking up on that.
It sounds like she doesn't think any more highly of you than you do of her. Perhaps you should just leave her alone. It doesn't sound like she is in trouble, since she has caregivers.
It seems from what you have written that she has always been independent and not willing to become close to you, so what is suddenly so worrisome?
Perhaps you are becoming pushy in her mind, demanding attention and cooperation and she sees it as interfering with her own ideas of what her life should be like. You did say that she is a strong minded. What has you so concerned, if this is her normal M.O.? It may make her suspicious of your motives if your concerns weren't a normal behavior in the past.
Does the senior residence have a social worker? Surely they have some sort of provision for checking in on residents. You could call the office and confirm that her needs are being met. I would be stunned if they don't have transport to doctors appointments.
My guess is she just likes to gripe, inflating her woes for sympathy, but doesn't want/need actual help.
I'm not going to accuse you of inappropriate interest in her money. That is not what this forum is for.
Jamary is right on target. Just send cheerful friendly greetings and let her make her own choices.
What these two said. A lot of the senior residence apartments have regular doctor transportation, visits to shopping centers, etc. She has her friends there. Meals are provided, and sometimes entertainment.
You seem a little focused on her money. She evidently is picking up on that.
That's exactly what it is.
OP, you and your hubby aren't going to get any of her money. She doesn't like the two of you, it will go to a cab driver or someone who works where she lives.
Leave the woman alone.
Why the sudden interest in her well being all of sudden?
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