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This actually happened two years ago, but my mind has revisited this many times because it just seems so bizarre to me in two ways:
1-that somebody would have the nerve to change a person's order at their own whim, and
2-that my mother would get so angry at me for insisting that her money get refunded
A little background on my Mother: she held one brief job when she was a about 20 years old, which was how she met my Dad, and she married him two years later. She was a stay-at-home Mom with the mentality of a child. She would throw tantrums and fight with me as if I were her sister rather than her daughter. She was raised by an alcoholic father and a mother who worked all the time and was rarely home, so I know this is partly what messed her up. When I was growing up, she'd stress over the littlest things, such as the doorbell ringing. She'd start shrieking, "No! No! No!" and go run and hide in hopes the person at the door would go away. She has also always despised any kind of confrontation (with people other than my Dad and me), and she has always allowed people to walk all over her, take advantage of her, etc. I moved out when I was 18 to preserve my sanity. I truly feel that if my Dad hadn't stuck with her and I had been raised by her as a single mother, I would have been ruined, but thankfully I got mostly my Dad's personality and strengths.
So here is what happened. My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, and my Mother was left to plan a funeral. I am an only child, so there are no siblings that could have helped besides me. I flew from Florida to California to assist her for two weeks. As it turned out, I had to do it all, because if left to her, my Dad would still be waiting to be buried to this day. I brought her with me to select the flowers to be displayed at the funeral. She wanted to use the flower department at her local market. We looked through quite a few books of arrangements, and my Mother wasn't deciding on anything, so I finally took it upon myself to select two nice arrangements to be displayed on either side of the stage. I told the lady what we wanted, we paid, and we left.
The day of the funeral arrives, and the arrangements are delivered to the services. Only these arrangements look nothing like what I had picked. Not even close! Different flowers, a different variety of colors, you get the picture. It was very upsetting, because you want everything to be just right at a loved one's funeral since you don't get a do-over! I called the flower department, and they said it was too late for them to fix the issue and we'd just have to deal with it.
The day following the funeral, I brought my Mother back to the flower department so I could see about getting some kind of compensation for the error. The woman who had taken our original order was there. To my complete shock, the woman said to me, "I got the feeling that your mother didn't like the arrangements that you picked, so I picked her some instead." I was just astounded that somebody would feel that they had the right to select something that somebody else was paying for. Even if my Mother didn't like my selections, which there was no proof that she didn't, how did this woman know that my Mother would like what SHE selected for her sight unseen?? The manager was standing there, and I think she was shocked by the admission as well. My Mother started telling the lady, "Well, you were only trying to help. It's okay, I don't need a refund." I pretty much said, "What?? Yes, you DO need a refund, because you paid for something you didn't order!" The manager agreed, but she said since we did get some flowers for the funeral, even if they weren't the right ones, she could only offer half the money back. I understood and said that was fine. My Mother stormed out to the car. When I came out with her refund, she proceeded to scream at me and berate me for quite some time about how horrible I was for doing that. She was angry at me for a few days thereafter.
I'm just curious what others think of this behavior, both by the store clerk and by my Mother. I'm not really looking for criticism of my behavior, as I was just trying to do the best I could and don't feel that I did anything wrong. You would have to know my Mother to realize that NOTHING would have gotten done if it had been left up to her
It was two years ago. Quit grinding on it even if your mother still does. You'll be healthier to move on from it unless you are just looking for things to complain regarding your mother.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad four years ago and it pretty much destroyed me. Anyway, I'm sorry that you have such difficulty with your mom. Maybe it would be best for you to limit the amount of time you spend talking to her and keep your visits with her to only the really important stuff. You need to protect your own interests and it seems like she is not a very healthy person. Nor does it appear that she is playing with a full deck - which might explain her odd behavior.
Hopefully you'll be able to move on now that you got it off your chest, especially since it happened two years ago. You didn't do anything wrong IMO and your mother over-reacted, either because that's how she is or because she wasn't handling your father's death very well. Either way, just let it go and continue on with your life.
I'm not sure why you're surprised your mother is upset about the flower refund. You said she despises all confrontation. And then you thrust her into one, when all she wanted was to go along to get along. You also said she argues with you as though you're her sister, not her mother. Is there a chance that from the very beginning she felt she was competing with you for your father's love?
I agree, what the flower clerk did in sending different arrangements was just wrong and flat-out disrespectful.
Your mom was lucky to get a steady sensible guy like your father. Is she doing all right living by herself? She doesn't sound capable.
Your mother had just lost her husband unexpectedly and was grieving. You forced her into a confrontation you knew she would hate over something she deemed insignificant compared to her loss. You cared more about your feelings of outrage over FLOWERS and ego than you did about her feelings at a most vulnerable and difficult time, and it wasn't even your money. No wonder she was upset!
Hopefully you'll be able to move on now that you got it off your chest, especially since it happened two years ago. You didn't do anything wrong IMO and your mother over-reacted, either because that's how she is or because she wasn't handling your father's death very well. Either way, just let it go and continue on with your life.
He absolutely did! It was really none of his business. It was the mom's business and her money. Maybe she was happy with the flowers. Maybe she couldn't care less about the flowers. Maybe she didn't want someone to get into trouble for simply trying to help. If she didn't want the refund - for whatever reason - that's her decision to make not anybody else's.
OP, when your mom is mentally incompetent and you have power of attorney, then you can make the call on how her money is managed.
sorry poodlestix...I gotta agree with the last two posters. It's her money, and no matter how non confrontational your mother may be...it's her choice. It's her money.
I know it's hard to turn away, or let it go, when a wrong has been committed (no matter how small), but sometimes it's the best way to keep the peace....that would have been my choice.
What the woman did is totally unprofessional and out of line. But her reasons appeased to your mother's ego which she mistook as attention. As described your mother's confrontation habit, she is probably the type of person that seeks approval from outsiders. Especially when in a vulnerable time like that. She might even be mad at you for wrote off the attention she perceived she got. Its easier to disagree with you than to confront the woman, who seemed as if she made the mistake out of respect to her.
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