early life crisis- Outside perspective wanted (guilty, brother, sister, neighborhood)

[Ruth4Truth]

OP, your dad is fine; he's still working and has years to go before retirement. He may not even retire at 66, he may choose to stay active in his profession a bit longer. Arthritis that's getting worse? Potential future cancer you want to be around to "catch" IF it develops?

I'm pointing this out to show you how you've wrapped yourself up so much in your parents' lives that you're searching for excuses (flimsy ones) to stay with them. Most smokers don't get cancer. Some do get emphysema later in life. Your dad is fine; you're catastrophizing, because, I'm guessing, you're anxious about leaving the nest and flying out on your own, to have your own life. That is what you need to do.

As to your mother--what's the deal, is she divorced from your dad? Why isn't your dad looking in on her? If no one is willing to look in on this person, you can arrange to have part-time home health care come in. This could be 3 times/week for an afternoon or evening, or just a couple of hours.

You're willing to give up a great husband and a wonderful life to be your parents' daughter and hover around them for the next, roughly, 40 years? Why? How do you think your husband would feel if you told him you don't want to leave your parents, so maybe a divorce is in order? Because that's where your mindset is headed.

OP, you need to get a grip. Line things up so your mom is taken care of by somebody. Maybe your siblings could take turns on a rotation basis: one checks in on her one week, someone else does it the next week. Or you can call a family meeting with them, and you all could set up a fund to pay a part-time nurse if your mom can't afford it.

Get her all squared away, then go and live your life, for heaven's sake! After you get set up in SD, and integrate to the life there (not always looking over your shoulder towards your parents), in a few years, you'll look back on this thread and see how silly you were to consider walking away from a dream life.

[gentlearts]

Being strictly objective, you are not your mother's keeper, and your first obligation is to your husband. Your mother is a nurse, and she has a husband and children to care for her. You know that no matter what you do, or don't do, her outcome will be the same.

If I were you, I would go to California, but perhaps you can wait to get a job there, so you will be able to travel back and forth during her illness.

At the risk of opening a can of worms, nurses are known for having a server mentality, which could be taking over for your good sense.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by ScottsdaleMark

Good heartfelt post Ponderosa.

OP, keep in mind that moving isn't necessarily permanent, either. Maybe you both love it and never leave. Maybe it's not the dream job he expected and he's ready to go back to Phoenix in a few years, who knows.

I have done a lot of traveling at points in my past to make regular visits to family out of town who were in poor health and it seems impossible at first but once you get in a routine of getting on a plane or in a car every X weekends, or whatever, it's not so hard. It's just what you do.

In nursing if you don't already you could get a job where you work 12 hour shifts or whatever so you have more days off to travel between the two places, regardless of who lives where. You don't have to be in San Diego all the time, after all. You can tell your husband, look, if we do this, X weekends a month/year and most of my vacation time is going to need to be spent in Phoenix. Maybe you go back and forth a lot, maybe you go back and forth less than you think you will. You have a right to your opinions and needs and I am sure he should understand the sacrifice you're making to move for his job.

Maybe you tell him, look let's give it a shot and if I just can't handle it and want to move back to Phoenix, I will let you know, but I am willing to try this to make your "dream" come true.

So, there are middle paths and what you choose today doesn't have to be your choice forever. Trust yourself and your thoughts and feelings.

With all due respect, Mark, and I know you're just brainstorming about finding a compromise for the OP, but this is a bad idea, IMO. The OP needs to make a full commitment to her husband; that's where he future lies, that's where her life as an independent adult is. She needs to turn her mind toward San Diego, not always be looking over her shoulder towards her parents, and have a torn commitment and mentality between Phoenix and San Diego. It's not fair to her husband. And her parents don't really need her; her dad is fine. Hale and hearty, enjoying his work. Granted, her mom needs some care, but the situation is nothing that can't be handled in other ways. The OP needs to finish growing up and become independent of her parents.

Now, I'm not saying she should abandon her mom. Maybe she could go back there every six or eight weeks, say, to make sure mom's care is on track, and all. It could be a 3-day weekend. Yes, she could do a 3-day or a 4-day shift, as you point out. But the OP's husband needs a spouse who's fully committed to life with him, and to building memories with him, meaning: weekend activities, vacations, and generally being fully present in the marriage and household, not with a distracted heart and mind wandering over to Phoenix all the time. Otherwise, it could eventually pull the marriage apart.


OP, your husband loves you. He's in love with you. He wants to spend his life with you. He is where your first obligation lies. (And we're not even raising the question of plans for kids in the future. They're a huge time and emotional commitment.) You promised him that when you said, "I do".

[CGab]

Originally Posted by Poncho_NM

That is your future. Don't ignore the rest of your family, but go with your dreams, go with your husband...

Good luck to you.

I agree. especially since you are newly married, being separated could do harm on your marriage. I would move with your husband. He needs to take that job! Try to visit your parents one weekend a month and call a lot! Work a little extra for the airfare if you need to.

[ScottsdaleMark]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

With all due respect, Mark, and I know you're just brainstorming about finding a compromise for the OP, but this is a bad idea, IMO. The OP needs to make a full commitment to her husband; that's where he future lies, that's where her life as an independent adult is. She needs to turn her mind toward San Diego, not always be looking over her shoulder towards her parents, and have a torn commitment and mentality between Phoenix and San Diego. It's not fair to her husband. And her parents don't really need her; her dad is fine. Hale and hearty, enjoying his work. Granted, her mom needs some care, but the situation is nothing that can't be handled in other ways. The OP needs to finish growing up and become independent of her parents.

Now, I'm not saying she should abandon her mom. Maybe she could go back there every six or eight weeks, say, to make sure mom's care is on track, and all. It could be a 3-day weekend. Yes, she could do a 3-day or a 4-day shift, as you point out. But the OP's husband needs a spouse who's fully committed to life with him, and to building memories with him, meaning: weekend activities, vacations, and generally being fully present in the marriage and household, not with a distracted heart and mind wandering over to Phoenix all the time. Otherwise, it could eventually pull the marriage apart.


OP, your husband loves you. He's in love with you. He wants to spend his life with you. He is where your first obligation lies. (And we're not even raising the question of plans for kids in the future. They're a huge time and emotional commitment.) You promised him that when you said, "I do".

Points taken, Ruth. Everyone's right that you do not want to sacrifice your marriage or subsume your life to theirs.

I wonder, how much would the OP really want to go to San Diego if her parents were not in the picture? Could that be part of the reluctance? Maybe she can tell us.

And, conversely, how willing or understanding is the husband in regard to his wife's desire to still spend time with her family who would live out of state? Even if no one was or is sick, if she's a big-time family person, he needs to realize that he's getting into a situation where she's going to want to spend a lot of her vacation time / long weekends going back to see family, whether they're sick or not. So that's a relationship issue.

I know ideally she just goes to San Diego and everyone's happy but life isn't always that simple. Some people see their family never or a few times a year and everyone's cool; others see their parents every day. You couldn't pay many people in the first group enough money to make them see their parents every day; you couldn't pay many people second group enough money to spend a year away from their parents.
Know what I mean?

I think that's why it's very helpful to marry people who feel a similar way about their parents as you do about yours. They say we all marry someone like our mom/dad anyway, haha.

[sexxxcblac]

Follow your husband, that way when his glorious idea fells you will have serious
ammunition next time he won't listen to you.

San Diego ain't no joke. His dream job can be peanuts compared to what it takes there.
Men kind of have to learn the hard way, support his decision, stay quiet and wait. I guarantee you he will realize soon enough the wisdom of a woman is priceless!

[Luvvarkansas]

Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler

Your parents neither want or need for you to sacrifice your own life for their benefit - no loving parent would wish for their child to do this.

Ha! You don't know my MIL!

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by N804SY

In this economy your husband can't turn that down. There isn't a right or wrong answer on what to do but if you can swing the airfare from SAN-PHX on Southwest and your marriage is strong you can have him rent a cheap place and you stay in PHX and have him come to PHX or you go to SAN on the weekends.


That sure is some decision. I wish you luck.

I would not suggest this. OP, you are married. Newly married. Your place is with your husband, not your parents. He is supposed to be your best friend, not your parents.

Go to SD. Visit your parents once or twice a month, or whenever you can swing it. It's not that far.

[silibran]

I agree with the others. I think you should make the move. It isn't as if you are moving to Portland, Maine, or Nova Scotia! You will have access if you need to. Your parents are still fairly young. It is also possible that your siblings will step up in your absence. I think you could have to heart to heart with them before you leave.

I also imagine that your mom would enjoy staying with you in lovely San Diego from time to time.

I would not hold your husband back on this. You need to be able to build your future together.

It might be that they retire closer to you in the future.

[Jenkay]

San Diego isn't exactly far from Phoenix. You can be there in half a day at the drop of a hat.