My family drives me insane and I don't really know why (girlfriend, father)

[TinBo]

I've been home for fall and winter this year taking online classes, and I'm supposed to be leaving mid-February for a volunteer thing that lasts a year, but I'm not sure if I can wait the extra two months and a half. Now that classes are over for the season, and Tennessee is experiencing that special El Nina winter where it's either really cold or really stormy, all I have to do and look forwards to each day is chores, playing games, and spending time with my dad and little sister, which I feel like I should value and enjoy, but I don't for some reason. In fact, whenever I spend time with them or feel obligated to, I just feel extremely claustrophobic and irritated, even though I don't have anything better to do. Or at least I DO have other important things to do, but I can't do them because it's either too cold, or I don't have enough space and privacy to do them. Things like exercising, or practicing playing an instrument.

It doesn't help that recently, my mother has decided to divorce my dad in favor of another man who has more money and more in common with her, partially because there were many things that mom didn't like about their marriage, apparently. Some things that I myself saw wrong, especially since my father used to have a lot of anger issues, and still doesn't get along with his own family nor half of my mother's family.

I don't entirely know why I get annoyed with spending time with my family, mainly my dad and little sister. I love both of them, and I know my little sister is a kid, and my little sister, so of course she can get woresome sometimes, and my dad is just trying to be cheerful and positive, and be his usual goofy self the times when he's not worrying about the future, but for some reason, I just feel more annoyed than anything, and there's just times where I can't take it. I feel like I'm gonna scream or claw myself if I don't get away, but I don't ever want to tell my family this because they may take offense to it, and it's not like they can do anything about it, and it's not like I can easily just walk away or walk out and live somewhere else. If I could and I knew it was my best option, I would have done it. Doing so now would mean hitchhiking or getting a FAMILY MEMBER to take me to a bus terminal, heading to the best city possible, and hoping to God I can find a job and a place to stay while I'm there before I either run out of money and have to go back home, or end up homeless on the streets.

I would talk to a psychiatrist about this, but oops, can't do that or else they'll diagnose me with depression or anxiety and put me on pills and GUARANTEE I can't get into the military, and it's not like I can afford the medication anyways, and I honestly don't think I need it. I've seen how strong, brave, and enduring I can be while tutoring disability students and doing hard, physical, manual labor for volunteer work, and on many occasions, I've made myself exercise and eat right to lose weight, and I have had some success. I really believe that I just need to get away.

The only time I get to go out of the house is whenever my dad takes me and my little sister grocery shopping and on errand runs, and when my mother picks me and my little sister up to hang out at her and her fiance's trailer home. With the exception of going over to my mom and step-father's place recently, this routine has been the same thing since I was a little kid, and I'm 21 now.

I spent my teenhood playing videogames and being homeschooled. My parents homeschooled me because they were afraid that public school would have a negative impact on my character because of my parents' issues with my older sister when raising her, which according to my older sister whom I talk to more now that we're both older, her behavior was largely due to our father mistreating her because she was from my mother's previous marriage. I don't know to what extent of what she told me is true, but I don't think my sister would lie to me, and while I do remember my father saying and doing things in the past that I don't agree with now, I don't think he's evil like my sister makes him sound. For now, I've come to the conclusion that it's just two different people who really didn't understand each other nor did they get along, and they both have their own stories based on their own perceptions of how each of them treated each other.

At one point during my teenhood, I started to crave experiencing things like a teen, you know? I wanted to be on a sports team, get into fights before I could go to jail for it (foolish, I know), have friends, have a serious girlfriend or at least have sex, especially with the pressure society puts on guys over not getting laid soon enough in life. I know girls get a similar kind of pressure about their sexuality as well, but anyways, the point is, I started to try and make a push to try and find some way into high school or some alternative thing to go to where I can have a social life, but my parents were not having it. At the time, I didn't know about AmeriCorps and other similar organizations, and my parents were not having it with me going to public school, but they couldn't afford private school, and the only alternative we looked at with Gateway Christian Schools was some hybrid between homeschool and on campus courses, but it just felt and looked like jail, and the science book tried to say something like it's a scientific fact that God created Earth and the Moon, which my dad was just not having.

After that, I kind of just gave up on finding a way out and went back to playing video games until I "graduated". Afterwards, I rushed off to college thinking I was going to become an engineer and experience ALL the things I missed out on in high school, only to find myself bored, lonely, largely ignored and out of place with no idea what I want my major to be, and seeing a school counselor who possibly diagnosed me with depression and/or social anxiety that lead to me taking anti-depressants for a month, which sucks because that may have made it where I can't join the military for AT LEAST three years, and the military may have been my only straight-forward out of my hole because I have NO trade skills and NO trade certificates, no money, no vehicle, and I live out in the middle of the country. I CAN work a job nearby, but that would mean having to either have my father carry me and drag along my little sister to work early every morning for several miles, which is a strain on them and unreliable for me, or I would have to live with my mother and my step-father (assuming they get a house) and work at a meat factory nearby, but just living with them is "taking a side" that invites even more family drama.

So now, because I was in such a rush to get out of the house and go to college like everyone was telling me to do and what I thought to be my only option, my only options in life right now are:

To do a year-long volunteer project to get money so I can hopefully finish my degree on-campus and work a job part-time nearby so I can HOPEFULLY save up money so I can move out, get a vehicle, and afford a place to live, which is sounding VERY difficult right now because I have no valuable skills other than "how to read maps", and that doesn't mean jack-**** until I get that degree. Then I have to compete against OTHER egg-heads who have more experience than me, which is part of the reason I'm doing a year-long volunteer stint.

Attempt to join the military so I can make decent money, have a place to live, have steady employment, earn my degree, and establish a concrete place for myself in society completely independent of my family, which is what I want to do the most at this point but may not be able to if I can't get a medical waiver, which requires me to get in touch with my old school doctor so I can get my medical records or at least check to see if I have any, which I'm having a hard time doing for some reason. Getting in touch, that is.

Move out RIGHT NOW, with only $700, and hope to God I can find a place where: There's decent jobs, living is cheap, and I can actually get to the damn jobs without a car. Considering that this is the U.S. and not South Korea or Western Europe, that's a HUGE challenge. My best bets so far are to move in with an aunt of mine in Toledo, or live in Cleveland, according to some other threads of mine.

I'm especially worried for my little sister and her going through the same issues, except she has the added disadvantage of being a female. Because I'm a guy, and I lack social experience and skills, people just won't **** with me. If I'm not interesting, and I seem even a little off, creepy or offensive because I lack understanding or perception of some social norms and ques, they just won't have anything to do with me unless it's to get money out of me, but because my little sister is a girl, there are going to be more people who are going to try to take advantage of her. This is part of the reason why I want to join the military: So I can set aside money for her easily, and encourage her to go do something like NCCC for a year first before deciding to go to college, and so she won't feel like she has to join the military just to find her place in the world and survive.

I think in short, I've always been at least a little annoyed with my family because they're the only people I see and deal with day in and day out, and I have no outlets, but now that I see that not everything is even OK within my own parents' relationship, and have seen just how vicious my family can be to each other, I'm fed up with their **** and want nothing to do with it anymore, especially since I'm REALLY am starting to feel and grapple with the consequences of my upbringing and the choices I made because of it.

Sorry for this long post. I wanted to post on a psychology forum, but I couldn't find a reddit, and I didn't want to spend 15 minutes looking for a psychology form just for it to be dead and not get a response.

[Ruth4Truth]

Woa, whoah, OP. There are several topics here rolled into one.

First off, you have cabin fever, that's the main problem. Winter can be claustrophobic. And on top of that, you've had kind of a claustrophobic life. But first things first;

Go out to the gym 3 times/week and work out or swim or whatever. It'll get you out of the house, and exercise helps combat depression. You'll feel better. Your dad can drop you off on his grocery runs, if you can't borrow the car to drive yourself.

Don't beat yourself up about not knowing what field you want to go into. This is very common among college students. Also don't beat yourself up for not feeling like you had a place to fit in, in college; that's also very common the first year or two. Taking a gap year to volunteer isn't a bad idea. Have you been accepted to a program?

Where's your mom? Did she move out? Oh, and btw, IMO giving you meds for depression was irresponsible and/or overkill on the part of the counselor at college. What you're going through, lots of students go through. Does that mean half the freshman class needs to be medicated? It's ridiculous.

Take your mental health into your own hands; exercise, get out of the house on your own whenever possible, avoid ruminating about negative stuff. It can become habitual, which only drags you down. Find a hobby, even one you can do at home. Example; teach yourself how to cook. Get recipes off the internet (choose an interesting cuisine, maybe--like Thai, French, or whatever your local stores have ingredients for), and learn a couple of recipes a week. It'll give your mind something to work on, something interesting to look forward to, to get your mind off all the negative stuff.

How long until your next phase of life--back to school, or onward to a volunteer program? When will this stay-at-home trapped-in-the-house phase be done?

[TinBo]

The whole gym thing sounds like a good idea, but I just remembered, usually when my dad goes on grocery trips longer than 30 minutes that last 2-4 hours, he usually needs my help lifting things because he's still recovering from a hernia surgery from a month ago.

I'm actually a senior in college now. I settled on Earth Science with a concentration in Geography. I don't care about fitting in anywhere anymore, I just want to live life.

My mom is currently living with her new fiance in a trailer park.

I was accepted into AmeriCorps NCCC, and I start Mid-February, but I'm not sure if I can wait that long, and I'm afraid that I might get stuck at home and miss my arrival date due to family drama. My family is very supportive of me going, but I just don't have faith nothing will go wrong. I'm planning on staying with an aunt in Toledo for a month in advance, if it's practical.

[Ruth4Truth]

OK, well it sounds like you have a good plan. Do you have a driver's license? Can you drive yourself to the gym? Even a half-hour workout or swim a few days/week would do you good. I'm sure not all of your dad's grocery trips are the longer kind, where he has to load bulky stuff into the car.

Earth Science + Geography sounds pretty practical. They're going to need people like that, to keep a tab on global warming effects, make predictions, etc., not to mention just more routine weatherman work. Have you looked at NOAA for jobs?

You're taking a year off before completing your senior year? Oh well, I guess you needed a break. Just be sure to finish. You picked a good field. During your senior year, be sure to look for internships; that will make you more employable. These days, it's crucial. The adviser in your major dept. should have some suggestions, and maybe some of the faculty would, too. If you do a good job with your studies in your senior year and make an impression on one or more of your profs, one of them might help you out.

[WorldKlas]

You can exercise just by running or even taking long walks. You can do sit-ups and pushups at home. All of this will relieve stress.

For what it's worth, I grew up in a pretty drama free Leave it to Beaver household. Any time I returned home from college I went nuts. Once having lived away from family and making your own daily decisions, its torture to return to the family unit where you have limited control over almost everything. Add to that Dad and Mom have split up and you feel an obligation to your younger sibling. Enough to make anyone frustrated. And..... add to that you have spent most of your childhood in a bubble without much of a life beyond this family.

Get out sooner? Maybe. But don't go without a plan. Perhaps you can housesit somewhere, anywhere.


Perhaps you can hang out locally for the next 8 weeks -- but find ways to not be home - maybe dog-sit or find other short term employment or volunteer stints. Perhaps you can volunteer to teach some skill or just help out at a community center or senior living place. Perhaps schedule volunteer work -- even at your local library -- for evening hours. I bet Dad would drop you off if you convinced him that this temp volunteering would be great for your resume.

[stepka]

OP it sounds like what you're going thru is quite normal for your situation. There's been a lot of changes in your life and now you're getting ready to do something exciting and kind of scary so of course it's natural to feel hemmed in. If you really can't stand being around your family, (and you should ask yourself how much of this is them and how much just you ready to move on) then try to work more hours and save up every last penny--I'm familiar enough with Americorps to know how much it pays! LOL. The bright side is there won't be many places to spend money where you're going probably.

Also, I second the exercise. Videogame playing is hanging out too much in your own head--nothing against it but go for balance and you probably won't get to do that as much if at all when you go on your assignment.

And, I have a tendency to get depressed and impatient with my life and I've found that meditation helps a lot. I've never had any patience with just sitting and thinking about my breathing but I pushed thru and the changes are so worth it.

[TinBo]

Well, I could try meditating more. I actually don't really care about playing videogames nearly as much as I used to. I've been trying to play games called MMORPGs, which are online games where I play with other people. It's no substitute for in-person social interaction, but it is some sort of social interaction. The only issue is finding time in the day to play when the servers aren't down and there's actually people on. I could try cooking as something for a change, if I can get the needed ingredients. It gets kind of old and wrecks havoc on my body to eat mostly refined grains and starch all the time. I CAN exercise at home in theory, but, I don't think I can really express just how little space there is inside the house. I can only do sit-ups and push-ups in the kitchen, assuming no one is moving back and forth too much, and maybe I should go back to doing that. I used to exercise outside a lot, but then it got cold and rainy.

A few months ago, I was practicing running up and down a rocky driveway, but then I injured my right knee and left foot. So then I tried jump roping, but now it's so cold outside, and there's so little flat ground to jump on, it's not always possible. Usually on good days, everyone goes outside, so I end up spending a lot more time with my family rather than myself. I could ask them to leave me alone for a bit, but I keep feeling like I can't think of a nice way to say it where they won't get offended, especially my little sister, who would create a big fuss.

I have a driver's license, but my dad doesn't want me driving the car because I have no car insurance and he can't put me on his insurance. That's part of the reason why I don't have a job now. That, and he is still recovering from his surgery, and for some reason, I don't like the idea of making him drive me out to work, but I think asking to be dropped off at the gym or something shouldn't be too much to ask on the weekends.

We found a loophole when I was looking to get my driver's permit stating that I could be on his insurance for free as long as I had a permit and he was in the vehicle, but I passed it up in favor of just getting the full license because I already waited too long to get one, I thought I was going to get a team leader role in NCCC which required a license, and I was afraid that if I didn't get it now, I would never get it before leaving, and it was my most likely unrealistic intention to never move back home after the 10-month volunteer work, so I just wanted to get my license just in case.

After having written all of that, I honestly believe that I am just being a whiny **** who has given up on trying to find fixes to minor issues in his life and refuses to think outside of the box, and I know I can, and was for awhile, be much better than that. I don't remember being like this in college or while doing summer volunteer work. That's another reason why I just want to leave, because I feel like when I go back to old places and into old positions in life, I fall back into old and immature patterns of behavior.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by TinBo

Well, I could try meditating more. I actually don't really care about playing videogames nearly as much as I used to. I've been trying to play games called MMORPGs, which are online games where I play with other people. It's no substitute for in-person social interaction, but it is some sort of social interaction. The only issue is finding time in the day to play when the servers aren't down and there's actually people on. I could try cooking as something for a change, if I can get the needed ingredients. It gets kind of old and wrecks havoc on my body to eat mostly refined grains and starch all the time. I CAN exercise at home in theory, but, I don't think I can really express just how little space there is inside the house. I can only do sit-ups and push-ups in the kitchen, assuming no one is moving back and forth too much, and maybe I should go back to doing that. I used to exercise outside a lot, but then it got cold and rainy.

A few months ago, I was practicing running up and down a rocky driveway, but then I injured my right knee and left foot. So then I tried jump roping, but now it's so cold outside, and there's so little flat ground to jump on, it's not always possible. Usually on good days, everyone goes outside, so I end up spending a lot more time with my family rather than myself. I could ask them to leave me alone for a bit, but I keep feeling like I can't think of a nice way to say it where they won't get offended, especially my little sister, who would create a big fuss.

I have a driver's license, but my dad doesn't want me driving the car because I have no car insurance and he can't put me on his insurance. That's part of the reason why I don't have a job now. That, and he is still recovering from his surgery, and for some reason, I don't like the idea of making him drive me out to work, but I think asking to be dropped off at the gym or something shouldn't be too much to ask on the weekends.

We found a loophole when I was looking to get my driver's permit stating that I could be on his insurance for free as long as I had a permit and he was in the vehicle, but I passed it up in favor of just getting the full license because I already waited too long to get one, I thought I was going to get a team leader role in NCCC which required a license, and I was afraid that if I didn't get it now, I would never get it before leaving, and it was my most likely unrealistic intention to never move back home after the 10-month volunteer work, so I just wanted to get my license just in case.

After having written all of that, I honestly believe that I am just being a whiny **** who has given up on trying to find fixes to minor issues in his life and refuses to think outside of the box, and I know I can, and was for awhile, be much better than that. I don't remember being like this in college or while doing summer volunteer work. That's another reason why I just want to leave, because I feel like when I go back to old places and into old positions in life, I fall back into old and immature patterns of behavior.

Hmmm, why does your dad say that he "can't put you on his insurance".
That sounds like an excuse (if not an out and out lie). Now, it may be too expensive, but that is different than "can't put you on his insurance". How about on Monday call up the agent and ask how much it would cost to add you (the insurance company name & information will probably be in the glove box of the car).

[Fox Terrier]

It sounds to me that you might be dealing (or NOT dealing) with the fact that your mother left the home. You might want to talk to a psychologist (they do not prescribe drugs) just to get in touch with your feelings about your mother leaving. Going to see a psychologist should not impact your future in any way, especially since you would be going to deal with the divorce of your parents, not for depression or some other disorder.

Even though you may feel her leaving does not affect you emotionally, it probably does.

It's always refreshing to talk to someone about your feelings, anyway. Especially a stranger like a doctor.

[TinBo]

I'm especially annoyed at the moment, so let me play devil's advocate, and say that I'm just tired of constantly feeling isolated from society, being a virgin man-child ***** who sucks at life like one person called me, and having to put up with my family's inane bull**** that does not benefit me in any way other than to stay on good terms with them like I have been doing for the last six years, and I feel like I'm on a time limit to get out before I fall anymore behind on growing up to the point where I am unacceptable in society, and my family's inane bull**** either kills me or makes me say or do something I will regret.

Even though my parents did provide for me while growing up and still provide for me now despite being separated, and me being in their lives for so long and being sheltered makes it difficult for me to appreciate the homes they provide me and sometimes makes me see it as more of a hole than a home. And I have seen people who are even more crazy-acting than me who are huge *******s who still manage to function in society and have friends and relationships. And despite me having helped and tutored students with learning deficiencies and mental disabilities who themselves STILL manage to get a job, a vehicle, a place to live, and also have friends and even relationships, sometimes within their own "groups", sometimes outside of those "groups", so if they can do it, surely I can, and I mean that in the most respectful way possible. And even though with maturity and exercise, my body and character can only go up from here, but only if I'm careful.

I was doing pretty good, honestly. I was working out whenever I can, doing volunteer work during the summer, practicing playing the harmonica, taking online classes, and then...something. It's like as soon as this semester ended, and I had to start counting the days and had no excuse for spending time alone, and I started investigating what it took to get out of the house or join the military, then the winter weather hit, and my mom left, and now I'm just back in ***** mode for some reason.

These are large parts of the reason I want to join the military, is so someone can force me to grow into a way that I hope to, and begin earning my place in society, and actually have some level of money and freedom so I can pursue my desires in life.