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Location: Foothills of Maryland Blue Ridge mountains
993 posts, read 766,848 times
Reputation: 3163
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I'm sorry, I know you're hurting but this is small potatoes. Sigh.
I'm 58, I have grown children. The important thing is getting together whenever you can. Christmas is just a holiday. That's all. Gone in the blink of an eye until next year.
You are a grown woman who still has an example to set for her children. Stop the drama, it's time to calm down and reflect before you say something that's difficult to take back. It sounds like your kids love you. Who the heck cares about gifts or food?
You got to spend time with all of your children today. Do you have any idea what some parents would give to spend time with children who are unavailable to them? Give thanks for that. And I mean on your knees giving thanks.
My 28 yo son is a heroin addict. I don't know if he's cold, hungry, dead or alive. We are shattered. I don't say that to elicit sympathy but to put your situation in perspective. You are one lucky mama. Life has treated you well. Give thanks.
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There was little glitz and and damn little glimmer to this day. Not much to eat either.
It was pitiful. I have no idea why she and her husband offered to host if they was not interested in doing so. Once I've calmed down a bit, I will probably say that celebrating the holidays has run its course with our family and wish them well on coming up with their own traditions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould
This is the first time they've hosted a family function. But they host other events and they are both smart enough to know that brunch is not a plate of croissants.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould
I'll tell you how minimalist the brunch was, the men were all so cranky that we ended up going to deli to get sandwiches.
I laughed out loud to picture the HOST who, with his wife, planned a holiday brunch with only a plate of croissants going out to the deli to get sandwiches because he was so hungry!
Go and enjoy the event with your family. I got a ten dollar gift certificate from my dd and I enjoyed using it. I do understand how disappointing the breakfast was.
Honestly OP you remind me of my Mom who always has expectations about how celebratory days should be, but never communicates that with anyone. The result is she is always passive-aggressive when some very simple communication before the fact would have everyone on the same page.
Sorry to hear about your mother. Sounds like a sad situation.
Not sure what communication has to do with inviting family to a holiday brunch and then not feeding them. Does one need to inquire about the menu before accepting an invite?
Should I be clear that I expect suitable presents and not something they picked up at the grocery store on the way home?
Good grief.
You can be sure that I will be clear about why I have decided to take a break from exchanging presents. I have grown weary of the tradition of exchanging gifts, and will no longer be participating in this. I won't start giving thoughtless, cheap, off-hand gifts to get back on them.
Go and enjoy the event with your family. I got a ten dollar gift certificate from my dd and I enjoyed using it. I do understand how disappointing the breakfast was.
Glad you enjoyed the gift certificate. That was sweet of him.
Nothing wrong with venting. But, likewise, there is nothing unusual about not putting up a tree if you aren't going to be home for Christmas, as you said your daughter wouldn't be. And there's certainly nothing wrong with a gift of show tickets either. You still haven't answered what kind of show it is, but experience tells me nothing available this time of year comes cheaply. So, the worst aspect of the day appears to be the lack of food, but everybody had to suffer that, not just you.
I would suggest letting it go, and enjoying your Christmas at home, with your spouse. I wouldn't bring it up with your kids at all. Next year, tell them you're going to skip the gifts and just get together for a nice meal.
Then hand out dish assignments.
I laughed out loud to picture the HOST who, with his wife, planned a holiday brunch with only a plate of croissants going out to the deli to get sandwiches because he was so hungry!
OP, you give a lot of detail about every material thing - food, gifts, tree - but there's not a single word about the emotional atmosphere in the family, your relationship, how the whole thing felt.
You don't need gifts or fancy food to be able to tell how another person feels about you - whether they really care about you and want to spend time with you, or whether you're just a thing to check off their list. My own kids are still young, but I'm very close to my parents and sister - and I can tell you, that whatever gift, food, or anything else material that I got from them would do absolutely nothing to change the way I feel about them and my conviction that they love us and would do anything for us. If they suddenly gave me a crappy gift one day, or there'd be no food when we came to visit, I would not automatically assume they stopped caring about me! I would likely be concerned and worried that something bad happened that they're not telling me about. It's the emotional climate, the words, the interactions, that would concern me most.
Similarly, I know my parents don't expect expensive gifts from us, even though I always try to get them something nice, but it's hard as they're fairly low-key people who already have everything they need and don't care about a lot of other things. They also don't care much about things like decorating the house and plating a fancy meal, so I admit I don't go to a lot of trouble when they come over - we keep things very low-key and laid-back and that's how they like it. My MIL on the other hand is a very different story, she's all about appearances and she fusses a LOT about things like food and presents, so I cater to that and put on a much bigger 'show' when she comes over (and often they come together for the holidays so my parents reap the benefits, so to speak). From the outside, it could look like I care about my MIL more than about my own parents because I go to so much more trouble to host and entertain her. In reality, though, anyone that knows me knows that I have a very polite yet distant relationship with her, she makes me extremely tense and anxious and I can never relax and get too close to her. While my own parents are my best friends and my safe haven, and I love them with every fiber of my being. It's not about the fluff, it's about the relationship, and you're not giving any information on what that's actual like for you and your daughter...Are you close? Do you talk? How is your communication the rest of the year? Was there something at the brunch that felt unusual or forced, or was everything except the food normal? It's hard to tell the full picture.
If the roles were reversed, and you were the young person instead of the parent, you would be getting serious grief from this forum for your sense of entitlement.
Why was this event planned for a workday? Why didn't you offer to bring something for lunch? Did you tell anyone what you wanted or needed for Christmas? Give them tips for what their father wanted or needed? Are there grandchildren involved?
I totally get it. The OP raised her kids a certain way, and there were traditions. Christmas was a special time of year. The celebration was moved to a convenient time when they could all be together. There should have been a celebration to attend. It doesn't take much, but a bit of effort would have been nice.
The point is, Mom wants Christmas. The kids should know that Christmas is important to Mom. It isn't about being greedy for gifts, it is about the feeling of Christmas with the family that wasn't there. It was a dry croissant and a jar of jam. As for the performance, that is a risky gift to give because it is assuming that someone is able to attend. She might have a date with Santa that day and not be available.
I understand. I have been disrespected and ignored by my kids because they thought the obligatory but thoughtless gesture was adequate. It wasn't.
I don't expect much but there has to be a reasonable amount of thought or effort put into a gesture.
I personally don't care what the gift is, as long as it is a little bit thoughtful. I don't care if it comes from a thrift store, as long as it is something they think I would like, even if I don't.
Did the kids think she would like jam? Was it special jam from her favorite jam store, or was it from the back of the cupboard? The ticket to the performance might have been a nice gift, but for some reason she didn't like it.
She knows that she was dissed. It is her family and she knows when something is wrong.
That might be fine for someone elses family, but that wouldn't be ok with me either. Sometimes the holidays are the only time of the year when the family is all together.
You nailed it.
A tin of tea and a jar of jam is something you give a random neighbor (thank you whoever wrote this to me), not your Mom at Christmas.
I feel disrespected and disappointed. Did our celebrations all these years mean nothing?
I have never enjoyed musical performances. Why would they think this would be something I'd want?
Did all the time, and attention I devoted to loving and raising these people amount to nothing?
Should I persist in trying to keep our family traditions going or just admit defeat and throw in the towel?
It was fun raising them. But might be time to move on.
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. I appreciate your honesty! 