how to voice your feelings without being controlling..? (talks, present, gossip)
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Honestly, it kind of sounds like you ARE that person.
As they say, there are three sides to every story: Your side, their side, and the truth somewhere in the middle. The one specific thing you've written here about your brother and these other relatives is that they include him in lots of things.
The one thing I know about people who demand "loyalty," as you indicate here, is that sometimes people hide behind the "loyalty" excuse to escape their own accountability. It's a way of throwing the problem back into someone else's lap. If your brother hasn't had the same problems with these relatives, it's going to be difficult for him to "pick sides."
It sounds like you need to talk to your brother but also consider your own fault in this scenario.
I couldn't agree more, OP. Your motive seems to be win your brother back. That seems somewhat selfish to me. You sounds like you feel betrayed and angry and hurt by it. What you could do is try to re-unite with your family as a whole. After all, they probably view you differently than you view yourself,
This won't be easy. I am in a similar situation with one of my sons and his new family. It's a long work in progress, and I am the one who has had to change my attitude and behavior.
Time to grow up. I have had friends that were friends with ppl that I didn't care for. It didn't change me and my friends relationship. Just because you have beef with someone doesn't mean everyone you get a long with should have to automatically hate that person too. thats very selfish and controlling behavior. It is very realistic to stay in the middle without bias. Your simply going to drive this person further away from you the more you let this illogical ideology consume you.
It's up to you whether you are going to make him choose or if you are going to try to find a way to stay close to him without letting his relationship with your family get in the way. He doesn't have a choice to make here, you do.
If you show him that you are still the person he thinks you are, he won't have any reason to betray your loyalty. If you show him that maybe you are the person they think you are, then he will probably start to believe them.
I don't want to belittle your feelings on this but it comes across as kind of paranoid, like you think there is a conspiracy against you. Perhaps they all just want to have a family relationship and are planning to keep the issues with you separate. Maybe it's about more than just you.
But consider: You have already basically cut them out of your life. What does it matter WHAT they think of you? What they say? What they know? They can't hurt you, if they are not a part of your life.
That seems a little naive.
Of course they can hurt the OP by telling the OP's personal information to people who aren't even drawn into this web yet. Or by using that information to damage the OP's chances of success or advancement.
To give an example, someone I didn't even know took it upon himself to call the president of the company I worked for to urge him to fire me. The only reason I discovered this is because his assistant is a friend and she intercepted the call.
She said the other people have "moved on" but I get the sense she doesn't really believe that and they are capable of making trouble.
I have certain family members that have caused me an enormous amount of grief. We have a very complicated relationship and it's always been like that and will continue to be like that. We've given up on each other and have moved on.
It seems like my younger brother, the only person I thought I could count on to be loyal is cozying up to them. I know he doesn't have bad intentions towards me but they are using him against me so that I will eventually have no one. They're super nice to him and include him in a lot of things. It's maddening. He doesn't see that they're using him against me. He thinks he just has family that cares for him and doesn't see any of their other motives.
Ive never voiced that his close relationship with them hurts and offends me because I don't want to be THAT person. That jealous and insecure person. I figure he should make his own mind up and if he wants to be close to them then that's his call.
I worry that in the future I will lose the connection with my brother as well. I don't know how many more years of that kind of disloyalty I can take.
I'm the type of person who, picks sides in situations. I don't believe you can stay innocent and arbitrary by being friends with two feuding people. I believe you either pick a side or you lose both people. I dont want to give him an ultimatum but I'm honestly so hurt that he would do this.
I am of the exact same mind as you. I have experienced the exact same thing and more. You are not 'wrong'. This is your personality. You have very definite ideas about loyalty and it is very important to you. The problem is that most other people do not feel the way that you and I feel. Most other people do not see this as disloyalty or do see it as disloyalty, but not as a deal breaker.
What you have to decide is which is more important to you .... you're need for loyalty, as you see it, or your relationship with your sibling. You must decide. If you cannot live with disloyalty, then you must let your brother go as well. Family does not have to be everything. You can find like-minded people who will give you the type of loyalty you feel you need. But, any time we disconnect from someone that we have emotionally attached to, it is painful and we may very well grieve for the rest of our lives.
I am of the exact same mind as you. I have experienced the exact same thing and more. You are not 'wrong'. This is your personality. You have very definite ideas about loyalty and it is very important to you. The problem is that most other people do not feel the way that you and I feel. Most other people do not see this as disloyalty or do see it as disloyalty, but not as a deal breaker.
What you have to decide is which is more important to you .... you're need for loyalty, as you see it, or your relationship with your sibling. You must decide. If you cannot live with disloyalty, then you must let your brother go as well. Family does not have to be everything. You can find like-minded people who will give you the type of loyalty you feel you need. But, any time we disconnect from someone that we have emotionally attached to, it is painful and we may very well grieve for the rest of our lives.
Thank you!! finally someone that understands me..Yes, you've said it very clearly for me. I have definite ideas about loyalty and its also very important to me. (I noticed a few other people took that to mean I am some kind of belligerent, unreasonable, paranoid, tyrant-like person [perhaps projecting their bad experiences onto my story] when really that's so untrue)
For example, in the past I've been hurt when I found that my brand of loyalty doesn't match up to a close friend's version of loyalty. That person wanted all the benefits of my loyalty, which was me making her a priority in my time and efforts, keeping her secrets, and in general putting her before others, but wasn't willing to pay the cost for the loyalty and be that same person for me. She shorted me when it was convenient for her and took my steadfastness to our friendship for granted. Only when I started pulling away did she start panicking and asking why I had changed, before I finally told her I think we aren't a good match as friends and we don't want the same things.
Loyalty has always been the cement that glues me to a friend or family. I don't expect it from everyone because I know how difficult it is as well as the big personal price one pays for it, but for those closest to me I do kind of need it in order for me to take that person/ relationship seriously.
I dont want to ice out my brother and I certainly have no intentions on ever yelling at him in a disparaging manner, but I know how I am. Over time I withdraw from people who don't show up for me how I show up for them. It's painful for that person and me as well, but somewhere in my mind I tell myself this is the way it has to be and I back out, emotionally first and then physically I become hard to contact.
In fact me writing this post is all about me mitigating my own behaviors for the sake of my relationship with him. I would like some coping mechanisms or even strategies for how to brush it aside when I feel slighted and shorted. Those bad family members are about 4-5 people. And the type of humiliation and emotional abuse I've experienced with them has shaken my world and what I consider family. Ive grown from that experience but I'm unwilling to look back, keep getting ganged up on, and keep allowing the same people to hurt me. I know for a fact they are somewhat using him to irk me because prior to our blow-out they never took an interest in him. Now he is their go-to cousin. They treat him like he is their younger brother and it's just odd. Why weren't they close to him all those other years? I'm weary of one of my family members especially, she's much older and has influence. And is a PhD psychologist so she really knows how to get into people's minds and find their fears and hopes. She's frighteningly manipulative and I'm generally uncomfortable sharing time or space with her.
It's not surprising that you would latch onto one post that affirms your dysfunction instead of heeding the ones that call you out for it. That's how you got into the position you are now in - EXPECTING people to think as you do and then punishing them (by separating from them) if they don't.
I'll say it one last time: there is a price for your "loyalty," as you call it. You are experiencing that price as you now face the loss of yet another relative who doesn't measure up to your standards.
No one is suggesting that you stand and take abuse. Nor do you have to allow people to use you. It's a good coping skill to separate yourself from people who do.
However, at some point, when you find yourself unable to bond with ANYONE for a long period of time, you must consider your role in the equation.
Your needs are above my pay grade here. I suggest professional counseling so your life doesn't end up looking like a graveyard of broken relationships mistakenly blamed on a lack of "loyalty."
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 12-23-2016 at 10:05 AM..
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