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First friend - she just found out her 19 year old son is gay, found out her husband has an incurable disease and he's on short term disability, and her parents had to take in her brother's child because he's unfit. She is basically the sole provider in the family now all while working on growing a non-profit organization she just started. She is really busy and works too much, and doesn't spend a lot of time with her younger kids. She knows this and I told her of my story and another woman's story where we worked too much, and I later regretted for working too much. I hope I wasn't being too insensitive when I told her of the stories. I didn't mean to downplay her tragedies, but rather wanted her to learn from what I went through.
2nd friend (more like a distant cousin) - her son committed suicide earlier this year, her first husband died in a car accident many years ago, she divorced from the 2nd and 3rd husband, and is a single mom of 6 kids from 4 different fathers. Some of the tragedies, she brought on herself. So when I learned that her son committed suicide, I went to visit her and brought her dinner. However, she's not the type of person I want to be friends with even though we are distant cousins. I don't think I was being "fake" as I genuinely felt bad for her and wanted to show her support, but she has never taken any of my advice and I feel that she is a terrible mom as well.
I don't want to be around someone like that, but still wanted to show her support as I feel sorry for her sometimes. She posted something on Facebook about "fake friends" and I know she has a lot of those, but I think most of those "friends" are probably like me; they want to help her and want to like her, but she keeps doing things that make me want to stay away from her. I have kept my distance away from her, but she's the one that keeps contacting me. (She's the one that contacted me about her son's passing).
In both of these situations, is there something I could have done differently?
Last edited by AhRainess; 12-23-2016 at 01:36 PM..
Reason: title
First friend - she just found out her 19 year old son is gay, found out her husband has an incurable disease and he's on short term disability, and her parents had to take in her brother's child because he's unfit. She is basically the sole provider in the family now all while working on growing a non-profit organization she just started. She is really busy and works too much, and doesn't spend a lot of time with her younger kids. She knows this and I told her of my story and another woman's story where we worked too much, and I later regretted for working too much. I hope I wasn't being too insensitive when I told her of the stories. I didn't mean to downplay her tragedies, but rather wanted her to learn from what I went through.
So a woman with a basically incapacitated husband and several young children (I'm presuming the 19 year old is the oldest) who is slaving to provide for said young children and gravely ill husband gets piled on by you for 'working too much' and gets a guilt trip from you she didn't need.
Well, if you think she's 'working too much', then maybe you should have offered to pay her bills so she doesn't have to? Or support her sick husband and kids for her? No? Easier to sit there and judge her when you're not walking in her shoes?
You couldn't have done something more practical to show your support, such as, oh, I don't know, offer to watch the younger kids for her sometimes? Or maybe cook dinner for the family once in a while?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AhRainess
2nd friend (more like a distant cousin) - her son committed suicide earlier this year, her first husband died in a car accident many years ago, she divorced from the 2nd and 3rd husband, and is a single mom of 6 kids from 4 different fathers. Some of the tragedies, she brought on herself. So when I learned that her son committed suicide, I went to visit her and brought her dinner. However, she's not the type of person I want to be friends with even though we are distant cousins. I don't think I was being "fake" as I genuinely felt bad for her and wanted to show her support, but she has never taken any of my advice and I feel that she is a terrible mom as well.
I don't want to be around someone like that, but still wanted to show her support as I feel sorry for her sometimes. She posted something on Facebook about "fake friends" and I know she has a lot of those, but I think most of those "friends" are probably like me; they want to help her and want to like her, but she keeps doing things that make me want to stay away from her. I have kept my distance away from her, but she's the one that keeps contacting me. (She's the one that contacted me about her son's passing).
In both of these situations, is there something I could have done differently?
What you did for your cousin here is what you should have done for your friend--brought her dinner and expressed your sympathy. If you're not comfortable with her beyond that, then you needn't do anything more. Just be polite and keep your distance.
So a woman with a basically incapacitated husband and several young children (I'm presuming the 19 year old is the oldest) who is slaving to provide for said young children and gravely ill husband gets piled on by you for 'working too much' and gets a guilt trip from you she didn't need.
Well, if you think she's 'working too much', then maybe you should have offered to pay her bills so she doesn't have to? Or support her sick husband and kids for her? No? Easier to sit there and judge her when you're not walking in her shoes?
You couldn't have done something more practical to show your support, such as, oh, I don't know, offer to watch the younger kids for her sometimes? Or maybe cook dinner for the family once in a while?
She sent me and a few other friends the same message and I replied to her that she shouldn't work so hard. So, looking back, I'm wondering if I should have said or done something differently. The other two friends said the same thing to her about working too much, but I felt a little guilty when I described my own tragedy.
Her message:
Okay been MIA - Not getting enough moments to breathe and enjoy my kids. I think I have been depressed and stressed this week, realizing that things won't be slowing down for the next year.... I may be going through midlife crisis too. I just want to drop everything and be a bum.... I don't know about you ladies but I tend to put work above everything else and then I look back and I didn't have enough time to enjoy life ��. I'm tired of the politics at work... ! Man, use to be better at dealing with stuff like this but now it's just exhausting. I'm considering just quitting and doing some consulting work. It freaks (husband) out... then there's (husband) too. He's just not his old self too... Big Sigh... life happens, right... Anyhow, sorry just venting about life. For some reason, I thought I would be cooler at this age! Still the same old me.
My message:
___ you do work too hard. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It's so hard finding that balance in life, but hope you find it. I'm still trying for it, but it has definitely gotten better.
Although we may not pursue the same things, I used to be super ambitious too. A combination of a few things changed my perspective though: 1. After I lost my baby, I basically just gave up on my online store that I had worked so hard on. I took a look back at the times that I wasn't concentrating on (first son) at that time. I felt like I wasn't a good mom because I was putting my focus on other things that would not be so important when I die. Of course I spent time with him, but I questioned if I wasn't doing it enough?
I was so bad at one point that even when my doctor told me to stay in bed rest (after finding out I would lose him), I still went out to deliver my packages to customers. I don't even know why I did that, but I feel awful now. I feel like perhaps if I had just stayed calm, I would've kept him a little longer. Little guilt like that.
2. I went to one of (exe’s) uncle's funeral, and at the funeral, I couldn't help but noticed how the mom talked so much about how hard she and her late husband worked, how big their farm and crops were, how many acres they had, but she barely mentioned her children at all. And knowing her children, only one turned out to be "good" and they weren't very close to each other nor their parents. I looked around at her children, and felt bad for them. They were the same age as me, but it was then, that I decided I didn't want to be like the mom, who spoke so little about the things that really mattered.
3. Reading the regrets of people that were dying. They all spoke the same. Most regrets were about love and not enough of it was spent loving and living.
So now I try not to be so hard on myself, but I'm still trying to balance everything. I know some may think the Bali trip and the new Benz may be over the top, but truth is, I haven't been very nice to myself these last several years, and it was only after I got divorced, that my confidence and realization of my self-worth rose up. So since then, I've been much more nicer to myself whether it's big treats such as the trip and car, or just talking to myself more nicely. I don't define it as selfish at all anymore, but rather more like "self-love."
My cousin? I don't want to offend her, so I haven't defriended her on FB, but just unfollowed her.
I probably would have done about the same for the 2nd scenario.
But, you really did screw up with #1. It isn't being supportive to pile on the burden of guilt when people have to make difficult choices. It IS being supportive when you offer to relieve some of the burden.
I've learned the hard way to have empathy and show it. But never give advise. Unless someone actually reaches out and specifically says "Please give your advise" it is not wanted. However, a caring show of "I'm thinking about you and letting you know I am here for you" is always appropriate.
I probably would have done about the same for the 2nd scenario.
But, you really did screw up with #1. It isn't being supportive to pile on the burden of guilt when people have to make difficult choices. It IS being supportive when you offer to relieve some of the burden.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas
I've learned the hard way to have empathy and show it. But never give
advise. Unless someone actually reaches out and specifically says "Please give your advise" it is not wanted. However, a caring show of "I'm thinking about you and letting you know I am here for you" is always appropriate.
Yes, probably a better topic for this thread, is what to say/do or not say/do when someone's going through hard times?
An abundance of negativity, judgment on others, with a dollop of self-righteousness. Perhaps it may be time to resort to a time-out and consider taking a look inside of yourself. You are the common denominator in your two situations. Just saying. . .
Exactly. And if it's a big surprise to you when your child is 19, you have not been paying attention.
As for the OP, they need to learn the concept of "Nunya".
As in, "That's nunya business."
Mahalo
Last edited by Buckeye77; 12-23-2016 at 02:26 PM..
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