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Being narcissistic isn't just a label people use to describe someone. It is valid. Here is a link at the Mayo Clinic website about someone having a Narcissistic personality disorder.
From TV and the movies, we are fed this fantasy of Leave it to Beaver and how family life is for others, but no one lives that way. It is unfortunate she may have this condition, I think it is perfectly valid once you get to know someone to explain that you don't have much contact with your mother because she suffers from a mental illness. No other explanation at the moment is needed, and then talk about your other family members, cousins, and friends.
That's a great idea. I know the term is thrown out often, and my mother has never been officially diagnosed with it, but I've read up on it. Its either that, Histrionic, Borderline, etc. She has elements of all. So I like the answer of mental illness and move on.
That's a great idea. I know the term is thrown out often, and my mother has never been officially diagnosed with it, but I've read up on it. Its either that, Histrionic, Borderline, etc. She has elements of all. So I like the answer of mental illness and move on.
I'm just curious; you said you've had some therapy? Did the therapist ever mention NPD and discuss it, and how it can affect a child's life? I've never heard of a therapist discussing these personality disorders with a client, but it would be so helpful if they did.
Recently, as I was researching NPD, because it comes up so often on the forums here, I learned that one part of the family dynamic that tends to be part of the NPD package, is that the parent will pick one child to be the scapegoat in the family. That child can hardly do anything right (in the NPD parent's eyes, even if the child is a saint, lol), and the parent may even orchestrate the whole family to dump on the unfortunate child chosen for this role. The benefit to the narcissist is that by putting someone down consistently, they use that person to build themselves up. Or they may present the situation as so-and-so being the "difficult" child who causes the parent stress. When the kids grow up, this "scapegoat" child may be characterized to the parent's friends and family as being the emotionally abusive one, that the sainted parent has to endure, thus flipping the reality of the situation around.
So I'm wondering if there was anything like that in your family. I've observed this now and then throughout life, in other families, and it was enlightening to get this explanation of it.
Absolutely. The constant criticism during my childhood shaped my lack of confidence/self esteem. Its because of therapy and reading books on the subject that I realized where it came from. I've made slow deliberate progress over time, and its extremely difficult to ignore the critical voice in my head. But I'm a huge personal growth type of guy. In fact, I can't be with a woman who doesn't appreciate that (my ex-wife, for example). I've come a long way, particularly in the past 7 years since my divorce, but I still feel "less than" others and compare myself, as well as care way too much what others think. That ALL comes from my mother. So it is in my best interests and emotional health to cut her out, as I'm not good at just accepting her as she is, and knowing she will never change, nor setting boundaries with her. This is the best decision, and it should have happened years ago.
Congratulations, it will take time but tell that voice in your head to shut the F&^% up! The sad part is that you will always miss a mother and then realize your sadness isn't from missing her, it's from missing what should have been. Do as I did and find a new mother who you are proud of and who is proud of you. Who said you can't pick your parents I say good for you, you gave yourself one the best gifts ever....freedom!
I'm just curious; you said you've had some therapy? Did the therapist ever mention NPD and discuss it, and how it can affect a child's life? I've never heard of a therapist discussing these personality disorders with a client, but it would be so helpful if they did.
Recently, as I was researching NPD, because it comes up so often on the forums here, I learned that one part of the family dynamic that tends to be part of the NPD package, is that the parent will pick one child to be the scapegoat in the family. That child can hardly do anything right (in the NPD parent's eyes, even if the child is a saint, lol), and the parent may even orchestrate the whole family to dump on the unfortunate child chosen for this role. The benefit to the narcissist is that by putting someone down consistently, they use that person to build themselves up. Or they may present the situation as so-and-so being the "difficult" child who causes the parent stress. When the kids grow up, this "scapegoat" child may be characterized to the parent's friends and family as being the emotionally abusive one, that the sainted parent has to endure, thus flipping the reality of the situation around.
So I'm wondering if there was anything like that in your family. I've observed this now and then throughout life, in other families, and it was enlightening to get this explanation of it.
You're right Ruth, nobody really discusses it. I've seen 4-5 therapists regularly over the last 20 years and I don't remember it ever coming up. A friend of mine who views himself as a "life coach" mentioned to me that his MIL was a narcissist and he recommended a book to me. It was eye opening. So I sort of figured it out on my own. Yes, my younger brother walked on water and could do nothing wrong, despite being the one with anger and personality issues himself. Even my Father was easily manipulated by my brother. I was the one who was blamed for everything that was wrong. Thus, I became a perfectionist and had severe confidence issues. This hurt me immensely in middle and high school, which were the worst 6 years of my life (up until my divorce, that is).
Congratulations, it will take time but tell that voice in your head to shut the F&^% up! The sad part is that you will always miss a mother and then realize your sadness isn't from missing her, it's from missing what should have been. Do as I did and find a new mother who you are proud of and who is proud of you. Who said you can't pick your parents I say good for you, you gave yourself one the best gifts ever....freedom!
Thank you so much for saying that. And you're right, I look at friends and women I've dated, for wexample, and see what a well adjusted family looks like and feel like I got a very bad deal in life. I'm so envious of what others had/have with their families.
You say you are relieved, but are you?
If you really were, would you be posting?
Let me say that we are all (even those with a "perfect childhood") are the product of our childhoods. Parents are ALL imperfect, it's just a matter of degree.
I had the perfect childhood, yet my mother died young, so after that, I had to fend for myself. Others had to deal with bad from the start, or mom didn't understand me, or my father molested me.
The bottom line is, we all have the same opportunity to rise above it. Take it, or leave it.
Thank you so much for saying that. And you're right, I look at friends and women I've dated, for wexample, and see what a well adjusted family looks like and feel like I got a very bad deal in life. I'm so envious of what others had/have with their families.
You're far from alone, though. Dysfunctional families are alarmingly common, which is sad. There are a lot of wounded adults wandering around out there. And when the few who do make it into therapy get therapists who don't explain these things--the personality disorders and how they affect kids trapped in the family environment, it's not helpful.
Honestly, I don't know what most therapists out there are thinking; how do they define therapy? There are too many who don't really help people, though I think the old-fashioned model of having the client sit or lie on the couch and blather on all hour while the "therapist" sits passively taking notes has been changing for some time. But there's still a long way to go.
You say you are relieved, but are you?
If you really were, would you be posting?
Let me say that we are all (even those with a "perfect childhood") are the product of our childhoods. Parents are ALL imperfect, it's just a matter of degree.
I had the perfect childhood, yet my mother died young, so after that, I had to fend for myself. Others had to deal with bad from the start, or mom didn't understand me, or my father molested me.
The bottom line is, we all have the same opportunity to rise above it. Take it, or leave it.
Yes and yes. I don't understand your point. I mean, I just figured others could probably relate. It was also fresh on my mind since my Mother and I had just exchanged emails. She proved to me with her words I was making the right choice, so posting it here was more of a celebration for me. I do have a habit of questioning my decisions (nothing I did growing up was ever good enough or right), so it was nice to not feel that way this time.
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I say good for you, you gave yourself one the best gifts ever....freedom!
