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Old 12-28-2016, 08:36 PM
 
246 posts, read 205,475 times
Reputation: 290

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I'm in my late 20s, several years out of college and settled into a job. I have never been the very outgoing type. When I started college I started to finally make a few friends that I could meet up with outside of school. As time went on, they began to be in my life less often because of circumstances but I tried to make sure that we still met up at least once a week or at least two or three times a month. As I got older and settled into a career they helped me with the stress of that. Over the last year or two though, I think we started to drift apart. I noticed the last few times that we met up, they had started to have different interests and we didn't have the bond we once had. My friends stopped hanging out together too which killed socializing with a group. I also have been going through some personal struggles and haven't at times felt like meeting up because I was in a gloomy or negative mood, that I didn't want to put on them.

So over the last 6 months or more, we haven't met up at all. I was asked to meet up a couple of times but I just didn't know if it was a good idea. I decided over the last couple months to try to meet up again, but whenever I ask, they are out of town doing something, which they really are, they aren't making excuses. But I feel deep down that we have grown apart and the friendship has run its course.

Being that I'm the age I am and the point of life I'm at, I don't have a clue where to meet people any more. College and school are the easiest places if you are in the general age group of most students. But after you start a career and people are getting settled and having children, the opportunities just aren't there.

I have tried volunteering and all that but I just find most people there aren't doing it to meet others or they don't want to have any sort of friendship outside of there. Or otherwise they have their own groups of insiders.

I'm also not the type to socialize with coworkers. We will go out to lunch once in a while, but I don't want it to go further than that. I don't fit well, and some seem to be reserved as well.

I have tried getting out and about on the weekends to try to be around people and not be a hermit. But it doesn't help me socially because you can't meet potential friends when shopping or dining out. Or at least I can't. People don't go to those places to make friends, I don't think.

Honestly most of the time I don't mind being alone but there are times I'd like to have someone to go to dinner with or watch a movie or just talk to. I don't feel right going to a nice restaurant or movie alone. I suppose I could do a movie alone but just sitting at a table alone at a restaurant seems foreign to me. I could just eat at home. I also miss going on trips with others, if I want to go anywhere now, I have to go alone. At times it is nice to get away, but it does get lonely. There's not even anyone now that I feel I could just call up and have a conversation with. They'll either be busy or I feel I just can't any more.

It's been especially noticeable at the holidays.

Anyone have ideas on this or been in a similar situation?
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Old 12-28-2016, 09:41 PM
 
Location: Fresno, CA
1,071 posts, read 1,058,170 times
Reputation: 1980
Have you checked for Meetup.com groups in your area? They often have groups for young professionals and for different interests/activities.
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Old 12-28-2016, 11:30 PM
 
Location: Oakland, CA
27,170 posts, read 29,669,595 times
Reputation: 26661
I tell you how I met my last "new" friend.

I heard about this really fun (to me event) but none of my friends were interested in it. It was a social bike ride. Few of my friends have bikes.

I am a member of meetup, and two of the groups I am in planned to go to this event. I don't really know these meetup people. I had met 1-2 for a few minutes at another event but they weren't my type of people.

I really wanted to go to the event so I decided to suck it up and go.

So I went to the rendezvous point. I saw the meetup group, and chatted with a few people there. They all seemed to be friends, and doing a few things I wasn't into. I saw another person who looked nice ans around my age hanging out in the outskirts. So I decided to chat with her. We bonded over not knowing anyone and feeling awkward at the event.

We ended up riding together that evening ans chatting. We even met a couple of other friendly guys. We talked about we didn't have any bike friends and made a pact to ride together.

We exchanged info after the event. The next week or so I had planned a casual dinner with some friends and invited her along. We planned some bike rides, coffees, and dinners. Now it is has been 2 years and we are still friends. She is not a super close friend at this point, but in my regular circle and we talk about weekly and hang out every couple of weeks!

I vote for doing things you are into. And be open to small talk. I have met people at museums, book signings, networking events, apartment showings, converts, bars, professional, conferences, old tastings, and even Meetup. I even made a connection at an organization I am now volunteering with because she was sitting next to me at a restaurant and overheard we were talking about her cause.

If I had more bandwidth, more of these connections would have blossomed into fully formed friendships. I am still in touch with the people I have met in random situations every few months.

I am a connector type, and if I meet you and thing you would hit it off with someone else I know. I'll make an intro. I invite new people to outings often, and mix all of my friend circles.

If you go out and do stuff. There are lots of people like me out there who love making small talk and connecting with strangers who might adopt you into their friend circle!
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Old 12-29-2016, 06:35 AM
 
13,678 posts, read 13,594,180 times
Reputation: 39893
I've given this advice ad nauseum on City Data but it's been a year or so, at this point, so here's my spiel:
I relocated after a lifetime in my hometown at the age of 34. I now have a thriving social circle.

Meetup groups are awesome. I have a huge social group associated with the one I clicked with, and we've gone on to start several informal groups based off of that one. I have also made friends through the people I've met in that meetup group.

Dog sports (if you like dogs) are another way to have a lot of fun, meet people and further develop your bond with your pet. I've made really good friends through teams and classes.

A part-time retail job can also be a great source of finding friends. In my late 20s, I had a part-time gig at a chain bookstore because I love to read. Got the discount and met tons of like-minded people who have expanded my world in so many ways. Many remain close friends 15 years later.

I've made good friends through my main jobs too. Other ways were just keeping my eyes open and being willing to engage in conversations when the opportunity arose. I've also used Facebook to dig up old acquaintances that I always wanted to know better - like from high school (when I was very socially awkward). I have a number of people that I have reconnected with from high school and college who are turning out to be fairly close friends.

In my new city (of 6 years), I have two amazing friends that I met through City Data. Other friends were met at concerts and community events. And oddly, a few are OKCupid dates where we got along great but had no chemistry - one of those guys was my first roommate after I bought my house and remains one of my closest friends.

Be opportunistic. Almost any situation where you are exposed to new people is a potential opportunity to make friends.
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Old 12-29-2016, 09:34 AM
 
18,355 posts, read 23,527,654 times
Reputation: 34402
Quote:
Originally Posted by jade408 View Post
I tell you how I met my last "new" friend.

I heard about this really fun (to me event) but none of my friends were interested in it. It was a social bike ride. Few of my friends have bikes.

I am a member of meetup, and two of the groups I am in planned to go to this event. I don't really know these meetup people. I had met 1-2 for a few minutes at another event but they weren't my type of people.

I really wanted to go to the event so I decided to suck it up and go.

So I went to the rendezvous point. I saw the meetup group, and chatted with a few people there. They all seemed to be friends, and doing a few things I wasn't into. I saw another person who looked nice ans around my age hanging out in the outskirts. So I decided to chat with her. We bonded over not knowing anyone and feeling awkward at the event.

We ended up riding together that evening ans chatting. We even met a couple of other friendly guys. We talked about we didn't have any bike friends and made a pact to ride together.

We exchanged info after the event. The next week or so I had planned a casual dinner with some friends and invited her along. We planned some bike rides, coffees, and dinners. Now it is has been 2 years and we are still friends. She is not a super close friend at this point, but in my regular circle and we talk about weekly and hang out every couple of weeks!

I vote for doing things you are into. And be open to small talk. I have met people at museums, book signings, networking events, apartment showings, converts, bars, professional, conferences, old tastings, and even Meetup. I even made a connection at an organization I am now volunteering with because she was sitting next to me at a restaurant and overheard we were talking about her cause.

If I had more bandwidth, more of these connections would have blossomed into fully formed friendships. I am still in touch with the people I have met in random situations every few months.

I am a connector type, and if I meet you and thing you would hit it off with someone else I know. I'll make an intro. I invite new people to outings often, and mix all of my friend circles.

If you go out and do stuff. There are lots of people like me out there who love making small talk and connecting with strangers who might adopt you into their friend circle!
my god jade,,,you sound so genuine...(a compliment)

great advice - as usual!
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Old 12-29-2016, 12:36 PM
 
476 posts, read 1,014,993 times
Reputation: 948
I haven't seen this suggestion yet, so I'll offer it.

Craiglist has a platonic section. You can search by gender, age range etc. I've found exercise buddies, snagged someone to see a movie a play or grab coffee with, all on CL.
I read the posts and contact people who share my interests. Sometimes I create my own post and select the responses I like. I've met one very good friend through that site. He is a software developer and we're going on 4 years as friends. I have a friendship developing for 8 months now with a nice woman who happens to be a police officer.

That website gets a bad wrap, but you'll find intelligent interesting people on there who have recently relocated, are specifically posting for an activity partner, travel partner or new friendships. Meet in public, remember that it's okay if you just get together once or twice and don't really connect with everyone. Enjoy yourself.

Like you, I tried volunteering and found most people weren't doing it to make new friends or new social connections.

I also like meetup, but sometimes those groups already have their social circles established as well. CL works because you can read upfront or advertise exactly what type of connection you're seeking. No tiresome guesswork.
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Old 12-29-2016, 03:37 PM
 
3,036 posts, read 2,019,002 times
Reputation: 5965
Quote:
Originally Posted by heavyweight View Post
I haven't seen this suggestion yet, so I'll offer it.

Craiglist has a platonic section. You can search by gender, age range etc. I've found exercise buddies, snagged someone to see a movie a play or grab coffee with, all on CL.
I read the posts and contact people who share my interests. Sometimes I create my own post and select the responses I like. I've met one very good friend through that site. He is a software developer and we're going on 4 years as friends. I have a friendship developing for 8 months now with a nice woman who happens to be a police officer.

That website gets a bad wrap, but you'll find intelligent interesting people on there who have recently relocated, are specifically posting for an activity partner, travel partner or new friendships. Meet in public, remember that it's okay if you just get together once or twice and don't really connect with everyone. Enjoy yourself.

Like you, I tried volunteering and found most people weren't doing it to make new friends or new social connections.

I also like meetup, but sometimes those groups already have their social circles established as well. CL works because you can read upfront or advertise exactly what type of connection you're seeking. No tiresome guesswork.

On the rare occasions I've glanced at CL, I feel as though I need to bathe in Lysol.
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Old 12-29-2016, 05:36 PM
 
476 posts, read 1,014,993 times
Reputation: 948
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nonchalance View Post
On the rare occasions I've glanced at CL, I feel as though I need to bathe in Lysol.
Sounds like you've never had to use CL for practical purposes like find a lost pet, rent out your property, hire lawn maintenance service, sell an old sofa, job hunt etc. If you've only "glanced" at CL, you're doing it wrong. You need a goal in mind to get a good result. I suggest you steer clear of the "romantic" sections, where most people casually scanning out of curiosity or boredom end up lurking.

Honestly, if CL was that bad people wouldn't use it. Legitimate employers, real estate/property mgt companies, etc would steer clear. It's just fun for most of us to joke about CL being disgusting. In this particular case, I think CL could help the OP get some social plans on his/her calendar.

It's a website, not unlike this one with good and bad people. Head to the politics section to find some of the worst of humanity on this forum. Head to the romantic section to find the same on CL.
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Old 12-29-2016, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,664 posts, read 4,705,800 times
Reputation: 28040
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nonchalance View Post
On the rare occasions I've glanced at CL, I feel as though I need to bathe in Lysol.
Yes, I know what you mean. Even in the "platonic" section most of the ads seemed to be suggesting something other than just-friends. I needed a decoder ring.

It's quite likely that the quality of CL varies from city to city and that it is as good or as bad as people report.
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Old 12-29-2016, 05:52 PM
 
3,036 posts, read 2,019,002 times
Reputation: 5965
Quote:
Originally Posted by heavyweight View Post
Sounds like you've never had to use CL for practical purposes like find a lost pet, rent out your property, hire lawn maintenance service, sell an old sofa, job hunt etc. If you've only "glanced" at CL, you're doing it wrong. You need a goal in mind to get a good result. I suggest you steer clear of the "romantic" sections, where most people casually scanning out of curiosity or boredom end up lurking.

Honestly, if CL was that bad people wouldn't use it. Legitimate employers, real estate/property mgt companies, etc would steer clear. It's just fun for most of us to joke about CL being disgusting. In this particular case, I think CL could help the OP get some social plans on his/her calendar.

It's a website, not unlike this one with good and bad people. Head to the politics section to find some of the worst of humanity on this forum. Head to the romantic section to find the same on CL.

No. I was nowhere near the 'romantic' section. Nor have I ever been.

This was for something purely practical and aboveboard. And I am not the only person in the history of the world to have that reaction.

Do you by any chance own stock in CL?
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