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I refuse to be friends with people who expect me to 'reciprocate' - my definition of 'friend' is someone I enjoy talking to. I don't need to go out for drinks or restaurants (can't afford it, don't enjoy it generally), I don't do dinner parties and I can't really help people move, either. But if I really like someone and they need a ride, or they're sick and need groceries or help around the house, or baby or dog sitting, then I'm there for them. Because I enjoy their company and want to be helpful.
But 'reciprocation'? Odd requirement. Do you keep a running tab?
I currently have at least one of those, what to do? and what are you experience with dealing with them?
I have a bunch that I have to do all the inviting and calling. Last year I stopped calling, just to see who would reach out to me and I have heard from very few of them.
I plan to look for new friends when I have some free time.
some, I have cut out of my life, b/c they were simply takers....others, I retained, b/c I realize they were busy with kids, and not into talking on the phone much, they hold a full time job like I do, and are very active with their kids, so while we're still friends, time marches on and so do we...but, you know, you'll always be friends.
Sometimes, you have to decide who are takers and who simply do not live up to your expectations....
No one can ever think and believe as you do....so, you have to allow people their space and time....and sometimes just let the move on, as you will need to do....that's life, there is no reason, it's just all about timing.
Friends are people who we need to allow them their time and they're space, out of understanding and respect.
I refuse to be friends with people who expect me to 'reciprocate' - my definition of 'friend' is someone I enjoy talking to. I don't need to go out for drinks or restaurants (can't afford it, don't enjoy it generally), I don't do dinner parties and I can't really help people move, either. But if I really like someone and they need a ride, or they're sick and need groceries or help around the house, or baby or dog sitting, then I'm there for them. Because I enjoy their company and want to be helpful.
But 'reciprocation'? Odd requirement. Do you keep a running tab?
I don't think you quite get it.
Ever hear of a one sided friendship?
Since you mentioned moving. Years ago I spent a weekend helping a friend move. A couple of months later I bought a piece of furniture that was loaded into the back of my car, but too heavy to move on your own and needed help getting into the house.
I called this same friend because they lived close by. They couldn't help me because they said they had to go workout at the gym(the gym was in the building I helped move them into), I said "OK", but eventually the friendship faded. I needed about 10 minutes of their time. They couldn't be bothered even though I spent a Sat/Sun helping them move.
It's not about keeping tabs. You just realize with some people you can always do for them and they will gladly take, but if you ever need any help, don't count on them for anything.
Since you mentioned moving. Years ago I spent a weekend helping a friend move. A couple of months later I bought a piece of furniture that was loaded into the back of my car, but too heavy to move on your own and needed help getting into the house.
I called this same friend because they lived close by. They couldn't help me because they said they had to go workout at the gym(the gym was in the building I helped move them into), I said "OK", but eventually the friendship faded. I needed about 10 minutes of their time. They couldn't be bothered even though I spent a Sat/Sun helping them move.
.
Had to work out at the gym? What a lame excuse.
I think reciprocity is a requirement for a real friendship.
I don't stay friends very long with people who don't at least try to reciprocate.
I find that many people don't understand the social importance of reciprocity.
I'm also surprised after reading this thread.
"Reciprocity" has to do with the effort and care another individual puts toward a relationship. Why do people have such high tolerance for one-sidedness in friendships, but it would be grounds for terminating a romantic relationship? A person's time and energy is being given for both relationships, but the lack of romantic involvement doesn't excuse a one-sided relationship.
One thing I'd say here is people need to know what their values, tolerance level, and expectations are, and what are things which aren't tolerable. People end up shooting themselves in the foot because they are willing to compromise for another person who takes them for granted, and have to lick their wounds. BTDT.
I don't see this mentioned much, but the lack of appropriate boundaries plays a role. Healthy boundaries are essential for any functioning relationship, whether it's a romantic, platonic, professional, etc.
You drop that person like a screaming hot potato. It will hurt you BUT you will be doing the right thing. I had to let go of a lot of people.I dropped them AFTER I was always being the one to reach out reach out.I mean if a person can't even send you a quick e-mail or a phone call once in awhile to say Hi,and YOU are the one to always do that...then it's one-sided.There is NO reason for one to not even say hi to a friend.We all go through stuff in our lives BUT that's the reason you should have good friends in your life who understands this and know it's still very important to keep in touch the best way you can and to NEVER let your good friends fall to the waist side...because if you do...those good friends you will or might lose.
I think there are "takers" and "givers" and oftentimes they find one another and it just works.
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