Is it possible to cut off inlaws (relatives, socializing, wife)
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I have thought she may be narcissistic for a few years, but since I don't know anyone like that, only read on the internet, I never said anything. I don't like to confront people. I just am not good at it, which is why I usually just deal with her pettiness. My husband on the other hand, has called her out many a times, and once he confronts her, watch out. She goes insane and starts calling anyone who will listen to tell them what my husband said, what he may have said about anyone else out of frustration, and always embellishes the truth so others side with her. I am actually appalled at how she acts when someone crosses her. My husband has as little to do with her as possible, however she recently had heart surgery and my husband feels he needs to go around her more often.
I think the best idea for me is to just walk away after reading everyone's thoughts. My husband sticks up for me, so I have no reason to be upset at all with him, nor would I ever try to tell him to distance himself from his mother. But I just feel at my age, I don't want that type of drama in my life.
Sounds smart.
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. Thankfully it sounds like your husband did not get indoctrinated into the crazy.
I learned a whole different reaction in situations like this from my years living in the south.
For example, when MIL greets you with how are your ill parents, you are prepared and say something like a very sweet "Well what a terrible thing to say" and continue immediately and graciously into the room turning right away to the first person and just as sweetly say, "Hi, how are you liking your new job" or "Tell me about your vacation".
For a function where your daughter is not invited, in a very sweet, light tone, "What a terrible thing to do to a young person. Of course I won't be able to go but you have a good time. I have to go now".
Things like that can blow people's minds. They are sometimes not quite sure they've been insulted.
What an awful situation. I have been in a no win mil situation for decades and as she ages it is just getting worse. She decided long ago to not like me and nothing I did or accomplished was enough to change her perception. I have only been polite and nice to her as my religion dictates, but I find my best defense is just to limit going to holidays and functions where she will be. My husband just last night told her to be nice to me and not yell at me, which of course she said never even happened. Soon she will send me flowers to "apologize" for MY misunderstanding, this is her MO. So tired of it all. I guess some people just need someone to hate.
I walked away from my husbands family after one year. I never told him that he couldn't see them, but I did tell him not in my house. We've both been perfectly happy with that arrangement for over 30 years now. You don't have to have anyone toxic in your life, family or not, if you don't want to.
My husband has asked her many times to stop bringing up my parents health at family parties, as it upsets me, because I would like to just have a normal time. She can't honor that request. As soon as we walk in the door she begins the dramatic diatribe
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So, my husband feels he cannot walk away from her
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I feel that even though he will deal with her abuse, I should not have to. As the rest of the family enables her fully, I really would like to just walk away from the whole family.
I fully agree with you.
If I were in this situation, I would continue to love my family and my husband, but his toxic family would become off-limits in my home and I would no longer attend his family functions.
I have thought she may be narcissistic for a few years, but since I don't know anyone like that, only read on the internet, I never said anything. I don't like to confront people. I just am not good at it, which is why I usually just deal with her pettiness. My husband on the other hand, has called her out many a times, and once he confronts her, watch out. She goes insane and starts calling anyone who will listen to tell them what my husband said, what he may have said about anyone else out of frustration, and always embellishes the truth so others side with her. I am actually appalled at how she acts when someone crosses her. My husband has as little to do with her as possible, however she recently had heart surgery and my husband feels he needs to go around her more often.
I think the best idea for me is to just walk away after reading everyone's thoughts. My husband sticks up for me, so I have no reason to be upset at all with him, nor would I ever try to tell him to distance himself from his mother. But I just feel at my age, I don't want that type of drama in my life.
I think this is a wise move. Be prepared for a couple things that may or may not happen:
-Your mother in law will continue to talk to anyone who will listen. And she's probably going to ramp up the vitriol to make sure that she really stirs the pot. You'll probably hear some of this thru the grapevine and some reactions may spill over to your personal life.
-Your husband is going to bearing a lot more pressure. I believe he'll do so gladly from what you've said that he wants you to be happy. Remember though that there may be a few times that he's going to need to vent and blow off steam.
I've dealt with a similar situation with my husband's brother. He no longer comes to our home. Obviously I haven't forbid it - but my husband knows that if his brother comes, I will be gone for however long the visit takes. My husband feels a familial obligation to his brother and contacts him a few times a year. They're generally exhausting visits for my husband and I'm happy to let him decompress in whatever way he needs.
Sorry this is so very long. My husband and I have a very good marriage. We've both been married before. My mother in law and father in law divorced 40 years ago. My mother in law has hated my father in law since the divorce. He cheated on her and she will tell anyone who will listen about how she was wronged. The problem lies in that my mother in law really dislikes my husband because he is very much like his father. They both are combat veterans, they have the same mannerisms and same curt personalities and look very similar. My mother in law kicked my husband out at 15 because her new husband did not like my husband. He moved in with his father and she has always hated the fact that he enjoyed living there.
Anyhow, being married to my husband, I have become an extension of him in her eyes. We went to San Diego to get married and my father in law married us. My mother in law was so mad she was pulling her hair out. We came back and had a 'wedding' at home at my sister's house. It was a small affair. It was relatively formal, which my sister let her know. My mother in law told the rest of the family that it was a backyard barbecue and everyone showed up in Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts with baked beans and ice cream. My mother in law and her husband showed up 2 hours late also. She spent the whole time telling the rest of the guests how my father in law cheated on her, how my husband's real name is not what he asks everyone to call him, how he'd been married before, how he wasn't there when her mother passed away, and how her current husband cannot please her in the bedroom so she sleeps separate from him. My family believed her to be unstable after that.
Every chance she gets, she will cause problems for the two of us. She will also tell others things my husband has said out of frustration, so everyone gets mad at him. She's ruined numerous vacations for us because his brother was to housesit and watch our dogs and she would come up with excuses why she would need him during that time usually a day or two before our departure for our trip.
She has never accepted my daughter from my previous marriage either. She's gone so far as to "forget" I had a daughter and not add her to the guest list for family showers, weddings, etc. My husband has spoken to his mother numerous times about this and her other issues, and she always has an excuse. I call her a professional victim. Her life revolves around her golden children daughters and grandchildren. She believes my daughter, since she is not blood, is not her grandchild, so she ignores her. My daughter is 25 now, so is no longer upset by them. There's so much more, but I don't want to make this post into a novel.
My parents are now very ill. My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is in his final stage of kidney failure and heart failure. My husband has asked her many times to stop bringing up my parents health at family parties, as it upsets me, because I would like to just have a normal time. She can't honor that request. As soon as we walk in the door she begins the dramatic diatribe about "oh, how is your mom and dad? Its gotta be SO HARD to be watching them both die at once. I don't know how I would handle it. Are they giving any prognosis on how long they have left?" And though it sounds heartfelt, it is not.
So, my husband feels he cannot walk away from her, since she is getting older. I can totally understand and would never make him sever his relationship with his mother, even though she can be a monster. But I feel that even though he will deal with her abuse, I should not have to. As the rest of the family enables her fully, I really would like to just walk away from the whole family.
Yes you can cut off your inlaws, but the real question is, will you be able to. If DH doesn't want to cut ties, then you will have to figure out a way to evade these people who don't have better sense than to decide to dislike their daughter in law.
You will need your DH's cooperation.
You will also have to restrain yourself from complaining about them. You will have to accept sharing him with them.
You will have to work on this for your marriage's sake. He should not be made to choose between you and them.
OK, life is short. Why do you let this kind of abuse happen to you? I don't care she's getting old. She's old and mean.
The stuff that she does and says is just terrible. Don't socialize with her. Mind your own business and leave her out. Don't invite her into your house and don't go into hers (unless it is an emergency).
Cut her off. Just go there when she's in pain or she really needs help. Otherwise, you are suffering unnecessary.
I would normally not suggest blocking a family member, esp. since it's your husband's, in this instance I vote YES....block her out, blot her out. If you have your husband's permission. You don't want to cause problems with your spouse over it, or, as you said, cause problems between him and his mother.
Maybe do it just for a certain length of time. Six months, a year. Come up with excuses. Then see how you feel.
I don't understand why the husband still has a relationship with his mother given how she has treated him since he was a child. But if he refuses to cut ties, OP needs to.
I also don't understand how the MIL was involved in the post-wedding party, or why she would tell people it was a BBQ when it was not. If the guests received invitations, wouldn't all the relevant information have been on the invitations?
If I were in this situation, any family event that my child was not invited to would be an event I would not attend. Preferably the husband would not attend, either, since his family wasn't invited. But if he absolutely had to attend, he would go alone and for as short a time as possible.
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