Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Lost in the discussion so far is the demand by my wife's mother that we cover the cost of the missing Social Security check now that her husband is gone. I was told that he (the deceased) got a check of about $1500 a month and his wife got half of his check because she was mostly a housewife and mother and did not work much outside the home. (So getting half of his SS check was the best choice.) So they got about $2250 in SS combined. Now she will start getting his SS amount (about $1500) but as a household they will now be short about $750 because there will be only one check, not two.
They stopped paying for the term life insurance a few years ago.
There is already a reverse mortgage on the house.
The most of other sisters are all working for under $10 an hour, so live paycheck to paycheck, so can't help. Another does not work at all.
So, they say it is our responsibility to pay for both the funeral related costs and send her a check for $750 a month from today forward.
You are retired.
You have X amount of money to support you both for the next Y number of years.
You spend Z and that is that much you will not have in future years.
When your money runs out, which of these wife's family members are going to give you money?
Why would any of your retirement money be available? It should be locked down.
However if your wife wishes spend her share of family annual "spending money"--non-essential spending in this way, it should be her prerogative.
Your wife's family is doing a lot of assuming. They are assuming your saved & planned for your retirement years (you & your wife could live 20 or 30 more years) money is theirs.
Forget the expensive send off. You will never see the casket in the end. It sits in the dirt where no one can see it. I would not spend more than $1,500 at most and if you can find one for cheaper than $1,000 go for it.
Better yet cremate as it cost even less.
If you have to spend money spend it on the marker above the burial place. We call it a stone here mainly because in California they lay flat on the ground. What ever they call your funeral marker, put the money there. I still would prefer to spend as little as possible.
Who cares who has more money. I figure cost should be split evenly. Only offer more money if you want to. No one is obligated to do anything. In fact you have no obligation at all. The only business a couple has it for their own retirement and eventual burial. Your money has to last you the remainder of your lifetime.
If the mother in law can not afford the home on her own then it is time to sell and move into a retirement community or something. Maybe one of the other kids have a room for her?
From what I've seen, those on limited budgets do choose to cremate their loved one, but if that is not what the deceased person wanted, I'd go for the most inexpensive casket and burial plot that you can find.
I would pay for a creamation and a simple service. Maybe $2k max. I certainly wouldn't pay for a fancy dinner for 100 of his closest friends. That's crazy. $20k is crazy. Cremation is the way to go.
I also would not financially support the MIL with a monthly check that is expected. I would maybe help her get a cheaper place and help her from time to time financially as I saw fit.
I'd be mad at my wife for tolerating such foolishness. I'd also cut the sister in laws out of my life for having the nerve and audacity to put my wife and I in this situation.
Op, I have read this whole thread and this is quite ridiculous that y'all are being asked to pay for the poor choices of her family. My father passed away unexpectedly last April and luckily he had already been planning for his demise for a few years (He always complained he was sick, but never was so it was a joke). But he wanted to be buried in the pasture down by the pond overlooking the house and the pasture. So he sought out the laws and regulations to see if it could be done, it turns out in NC it can be done. So he went out and bought a bench headstone and a marker for the ground, he then had someone come out and engrave everything but the date he died. So for the last almost 18 months that was the running joke in the family.
When he died we had him cremated and buried in the pasture for not even $2k, and we had over a 100 people show up to the house for the funeral. He did not have any life insurance policy for my mother to live because she is still working for the school and will get a retirement when she retires, also he always said he has plenty of land/houses as assets that are mortgage free. So it is not you and your wife's fault that they failed to plan for when he died. Sorry but the most I would contribute is $2,500 at the most.
i'm a social worker for a living, and often see this all.the.time that it's really unfortunate. You are not obligated to your in-laws, and most definately not your wife to her own parents and siblings. They cannot blame their own poor planning and oversight on you. Since emotions is running high and you seem to the only one with logical and clear thinking that it is one of those moments in a marriage where the stronger spouse have to step in for the weaker spouse. Your wife is the weaker one with all the intense emotions, manuiplation drawn out, fight and flight mode isn't making your wife think clearly, and as such you step in to tell the family.
no, final no. They can fork over (split evenly by each sibling) for the CHEAPEST funeral arrangement, or you guys can contribute but get the final say in how the arrangmenets happen. i.e certainly no $20K bill, but cremation and a simple hall type of place with pot luck for lunch after the service/cremation. If they don't like the last option, then THEY pay for everything the way they want.
Lastly, don't get pulled in to be on the hook to cover the shortfall every month, you don't know how long your MIL will live. both of you need to protect your own funds for your own twilight years. The MIL can always sell the house, move into a condo/assisted living type of place with funds from sale of house, take in lodgers if she has more than 2 bedrooms in her house. it's what my mum does, she refused to sell her 5 bedroom house, and i made her rent out the downtstairs bedroom in her home to a graduate student to get more income.
Anyone here have strains on their marriage due to the death of their spouses parents and the drama connected to the arrangements?
About a week ago I started a discussion on City Data about my wife's father being on his death bed and how she did not want to spend the time and money to say goodbye to her Dad after a lifetime of coldness from both her parents. Well after a week of suffering, the lord has send my wife's father home. He has died and now we are in funeral planning mode.
The rest of the family (my wife's three sisters) now are saying how wonderful their father was and how he deserves a great send off. The best casket, a two day visitation at the funeral home, a fancy funeral and a huge reception for family and friends. Estimated cost about $20,000.
Trouble is, the rest of the family does not have any money and are living pay check to paycheck. My wife is the only person who has any money and were were told that we will pay for the whole event. We owe it to him and the family because we could not find the time to visit him on his death bed.
Our money situation is good, but not excellent. We are retired.
Because my wife's mother will not have her now deceased husband's Social Security checks anymore, she will not have enough money to pay her mortgage and cover other expenses, so we were told that we should send her a $1000 a month to cover the shortfall. Her parents stopped paying on the term life insurance and, again, no one else in the family has any money.
Your thoughts and your own experiences regarding how your relationship with your spouse was impacted by the death of his or her parents.
Your MIL should qualify for 1/2 of her husbands SS. That's the first thing.
I don't think it is fair that your wife is expected to foot the bill for an expensive funeral, when the family doesn't have the resources for that. Even if she had visited her father, I imagine she would still be asked to do this. The lack of a visit is just an excuse.
Tell the family the sum you can afford, and let them figure out the rest. Be prepared for friction in the family though. But since your wife did not visit her father when he was dying, i imagine there is already friction in the family toward her.
Decide how much you can afford to give them toward a funeral, and then do that. But you might want to arrange to pay the funeral home directly. Just sayin'.
What did your aunts and uncles do when they discovered you didn't pay for anything? That's awesome. Why should you have paid ?
I personally didn't pay for my estranged fathers cremation, etc. because he had enough money in his account to pay for it. Since I was named executor by the court. I was able to pay for those bills with the money he left. Had he not had any funds, I would have told my Aunt and Uncle to figure it out themselves. Seriously, I had not seen him in 20 years so they were lucky I did anything as he cared less about me when he was alive. After I received his ashes I brought them to my Uncle (his brother) and gave them to him. They didn't ask or care how it was paid for and they certainly didn't offer anything.
I actually wish your wife had gone to see him when he was dying now. This would have been a much easier decision for her if she'd seen how he likely had not changed in his final years.
MIL's income is going down by $750. Her expenses are also going to go down by probably a similar amount, possibly more. She is not going to be in the hole. And especially not to the tune of $1,000 a month!
Again, the sisters and MIL are free to take out financing for this amazing party they feel their father deserves. Have you even suggested that to them?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
