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Yap I swallowed that bitter pill of reality in early months of our marriage. You know why I say it's what the ex put him through that made him decide to not have a child?
He plays with my baby nieces/nephew in our family gathering. He also play with his own niece. So it's not like he is allergic to kids.
No, he probably is just "allergic" to having a child that he needs to actually be responsible for, such as paying the bills and spending time with and raising into adulthood.
There is a huge, huge difference between spending five or ten minutes playing with a child every couple of months at a family party and being a real,loving father.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan
My guess? He just doesn't want the responsibility that comes with having children. That's not his ex's fault.
I agree. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that was a big part of the failure of his first marriage (of course, I don't know for sure, but I bet that he did not share that part with you before you married).
I don't see the harm in telling your husband you found his son, and letting him do what he wants with the information.
If he has no interest in meeting his son (which I would assume, since he doesn't even want to discuss the possibility with his wife), he could become very angry at the OP for going behind his back to search for the son.
It is obvious that your heart is in the right place, but I agree that it would not be a good thing to spring this on him out of the blue. Maybe ease him into it by starting dialog, asking if he would LIKE to meet his son.
You were trying though, and that was thoughtful and loving.
What's really troublesome about this post is that you are willing to turn a young man's life upside down in order to give your husband a birthday present (that he decided about 20 years ago he didn't want).
You really want to risk this person being rejected by his father twice?
It is obvious that your heart is in the right place, but I agree that it would not be a good thing to spring this on him out of the blue. Maybe ease him into it by starting dialog, asking if he would LIKE to meet his son.
You were trying though, and that was thoughtful and loving.
I don't read it that way.
I see it as the OP forcing a paternal connection - she is trying to make her husband into something that he is not. She also wants kids of her own, which strikes me as odd that she chose to marry a man who didn't want to father kids from a previous relationship.
She has to convince herself that it's the ex, because otherwise her husband doesn't want kids and that means that she will never have any with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cantabridgienne
What's really troublesome about this post is that you are willing to turn a young man's life upside down in order to give your husband a birthday present (that he decided about 20 years ago he didn't want).
You really want to risk this person being rejected by his father twice?
I don't see the harm in telling your husband you found his son, and letting him do what he wants with the information. Since he is in his 20's there's not much the ex can do as far as law suits go. Even false abuse allegations would probably be past the statute of limitations at this point.
Also, once the child was adopted by the second husband all legal and moral obligation was transferred to the second husband. He took on all rights and responsibilities voluntarily. I hope he was given generous custodial rights after the mother divorced him but it doesn't sound like she is the type to let that happen without a lot of pain, misery, accusations and spending of money people probably don't have to spend.
Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!!! Gosh. You are the only one so far that has the same impression on this woman. Also, why would you do that to your own son?! She basically made a decision for her OWN son not to know his own root. The other half of his being biologically. It's unreal.
Actually the 2nd husband has money. So I am sure even though she uses her knowledge as an exec dir of non profit domestic violence org, pretty sure she can't do the same like she did to my husband. I actually am secretly hoping the 2nd husband do to her what she did to my husband!!! And take even her OWN son from her! And FYI, HE divorce her.
Honestly when I found out all about the 2nd husband situation... I was like deja vu and karma on this woman.
If he has no interest in meeting his son (which I would assume, since he doesn't even want to discuss the possibility with his wife), he could become very angry at the OP for going behind his back to search for the son.
Yes, unfortunately. People, I have decided against it. I hope future posters are aware of it.
No, he probably is just "allergic" to having a child that he needs to actually be responsible for, such as paying the bills and spending time with and raising into adulthood.
There is a huge, huge difference between spending five or ten minutes playing with a child every couple of months at a family party and being a real,loving father.
I agree. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that was a big part of the failure of his first marriage (of course, I don't know for sure, but I bet that he did not share that part with you before you married).
His past is his past. His reasoning though well the reason he gave me is - He is old. We are in our 40s when we got married.
FYI, he was the one taking care of their son when they were married. So he was a stay at home dad.
How does it feel being married to this type of person?
Then again, reading your posts, you sound as if you are compatible.
Of course, he is going to blame the ex. That's what men like him do.
If a man wants to see his child, nothing will keep him from it - or at least the attempt to do so.
He gave up. On an innocent child. Speaks volumes about his character.
But, rather than face that about the man that you married, it's all her fault.
Good luck.
Honestly? First months of marriage? I really felt I made a mistake. I was insecure. But now, I am happy and secure.
First months of the marriage was brutal. My husband is actually a good guy though, he makes me feel like a queen. He does not do it as often but. Every weekend I have breakfast in bed. The only thing that came out good about him being stay at home dad is, he became domesticated in that he cleans the house, he cooks. I have no problem with him making a mess in the house....
His older loser bro on the other hand? Who I found out is coming back from CA today!! UGH. That means... the house will be messy!!!
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