Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I find it interesting that OP mentions that the friends haven't responded to her e-mails, but never mentions that the friends have stopped contacting her. While it could be possible that the friends no longer like e-mailing (some people prefer texting because it's more immediate and briefer) and don't even look at their e-mail----if they still wanted the friendship they would text or call.
It's been said that in any relationship one party always care more than the other---that it can't be exactly equal. I wonder whether this relationship was always a lot more one-sided. Perhaps OP was much more into the other couple than they were with her. When they lived in the same place, maybe it was more difficult to blow OP off.
It is impossible to know why they are no longer interested in the friendship. I know a lot of posters here like the theory that there were flirtations or actual sex between the couples, but there are so many other explanations, even if it not as (sexually) intriguing. There are a million reasons why friendships fade. Would it be kinder for the friends to have sent a text/e-mail stating why they no longer wanted to be friends? Many people think ghosting is awful, but if the truth can be hurtful ("We have become bored by you" or "We just don't have the time or energy for you since we are giving priority to other friendships"), then what's wrong with just showing that the friendship is no longer wanted?
The thing that is confusing is that the third couple who wants to host doesn't know that the friendship has faded/ended. And why wouldn't the former friends have spoken up and said they weren't comfortable being with OP? So maybe it's not that there is any animosity or any strong reason for their ending the friendship (or they, like some people, are so into a free vacation that they are willing to put up with the OP as long as they can be with another couple as well. Maybe it's like I suggested---just not into them as much and don't want one on one, or two on two contact.
I think OP shouldn't go. Even if the former friends seem just like themselves and are warm, awkwardness may ensue (which isn't really fair to the hosts) if OP can't restrain from asking why she hasn't heard from them. Disappointment may follow if the friendship isn't rekindled after the cabin vacation.
And if the level of friendship with the cabin friends isn't deep enough to have said, "We'd love to visit you, but we haven't heard from the other couple in a year, so it could be awkward," perhaps it's best not to go or just see the cabin friends on their own without the other couple. (As an introvert, being with two other people as well as my husband is more than enough for me---I don't subscribe to the more the merrier inclination, but I suppose a lot of introverts do.)-
I can't believe that people aren't saying the obvious. That something serious happened in their friends lives that made communicating difficult. Call them and actually talk to them.
I remember a decade ago when my husband was fighting cancer. It completely turned our life upside down for almost year. While, in general, it was pretty smooth sailing, Hubby was hospitalized at several points because of various crises and was near death at several points.
Our contact with friends dropped to almost zero. I remember a few years later mentioning hubby's cancer to a very dear friend and she claimed to not realize that he had ever been ill. She said "I just thought that you were mad at me & that was why you didn't come to my Halloween Party or 'call' to chat". I know for a fact, that I sent out emails to everyone at least a couple of times during that time sharing that he had cancer, but somehow she never read them or something. I realized that after emailing her or talking to her weekly for years and I suddenly "disappear" for almost a year and she never reached out to me. that I was a much better friend to her than she was to me.
More recently, hubby suffered a traumatic brain injury and lost the ability to use the computer and read & send emails. I have been so busy being his 24/7 caregiver that I did not think that to go on his email address in close to 20 months. So, any emails that people sent to him in that time were never answered.
TwoByFour, I'm sorry you have lost touch with your friends. I don't think you are overreacting, but it may not be about you. It may be about them. I have dropped a couple friendships for various reasons. One person just wanted to get together way too much for me. She also kept calling and was hard to get off the phone. I like a lot of personal time. I enjoyed our get togethers and tried to tell her that she wanted too much from me, but she kept at it...so I finally just started slowly spacing out our get togethers until they no longer occurred. Another person was just a little too negative for me. She reminded me of my mother. She was a fun person...but the negativity wore on me. I ended that friendship, and I know some others who did the same. In both situations, I chose to end the friendships because of my needs. (I needed more personal time, and I needed to be around more positive people.)
I'm not saying that you are too needy or too negative. It just might be that something has changed with them.
Don't call and ask why they've not responded to your emails. Call and ask them how they are, that you hoped you'd see them on the weekend getaway. You know, act like a friend.
^^^^This!
Seriously. Pick up the phone and ask what they've been up to and how's it going, what's new in their life, etc. Don't make the convo all about you! Also don't make assumptions and just have a conversation! Why are people so averse to talking on the phone? It is so bizarre.
We have been friends with another couple for 35 years. We both moved out of our city at the same time, to different cities, about 5 years ago. We went to visit them in their new house several times and they expressed interest in coming to see us but never have even though we know<snip> that they have visited close by and it would have been easy to drop in to see us. But in the last year or so they have stopped answering email. I have sent a couple of long ones, full of news about us, asking about them and got no answer.
A mutual friend of ours planned a short trip to a cabin she rented and invited us and the other couple. But I am feeling really awkward about the whole thing. I have the distinct impression that our long time "friends" are not really that much of friends anymore. So we are probably going to decline the invitation.
It is pretty strange for us; we are not aware of any reason they would decide to dump us or ignore us. No disputes, we have similar politics and interests. It is just a mystery to us. Kind of depressing actually to find out that things are not always what you think they are.
What do others think? Am I over-reacting?
Maybe the other couple is going through some sort of issues that are unrelated to you. Perhaps, marital issues, family drama, health issue, financial issue, etc.
I can't believe that people aren't saying the obvious. That something serious happened in their friends lives that made communicating difficult. Call them and actually talk to them.
I remember a decade ago when my husband was fighting cancer. It completely turned our life upside down for almost year. While, in general, it was pretty smooth sailing, Hubby was hospitalized at several points because of various crises and was near death at several points.
Our contact with friends dropped to almost zero. I remember a few years later mentioning hubby's cancer to a very dear friend and she claimed to not realize that he had ever been ill. She said "I just thought that you were mad at me & that was why you didn't come to my Halloween Party or 'call' to chat".
More recently, hubby suffered a traumatic brain injury and lost the ability to use the computer and read & send emails. I have been so busy being his 24/7 caregiver that I did not think that to go on his email address in close to 20 months. So, any emails that people sent to him in that time were never answered.
Pick up the phone and call your friends.
I'm so sorry that you & your husband have experienced such serious troubles. And yes, I agree that people going silent can be for a lot of reasons and instead of getting offended, true friends should call or visit to make sure the people are safe & healthy.
Call and ask what, why don't you answer email? I am not sure what good that will do. This couple is very correct in socializing - always sends thank-you notes after coming over for dinner, etc. To no longer acknowledge an email is so out of character that that very thing is a strong message itself. They clearly have moved on to other things.
I guess my question here is not what to do about this other couple as that is what it is, it is how can this happen and why? It is a little upsetting to discover things are not what you thought they were.
Well there we have it....LOL.
You call and ask is everything OK. I notice you didn't comment on if your long emails that are all about you and not really asking about them. That perhaps you come off as self absorbed and they're tired of that?
You have time to go on Facebook and track them, but you can't pick up the phone? OK.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
I can't believe that people aren't saying the obvious. That something serious happened in their friends lives that made communicating difficult. Call them and actually talk to them.
I remember a decade ago when my husband was fighting cancer. It completely turned our life upside down for almost year. While, in general, it was pretty smooth sailing, Hubby was hospitalized at several points because of various crises and was near death at several points.
Our contact with friends dropped to almost zero. I remember a few years later mentioning hubby's cancer to a very dear friend and she claimed to not realize that he had ever been ill. She said "I just thought that you were mad at me & that was why you didn't come to my Halloween Party or 'call' to chat". I know for a fact, that I sent out emails to everyone at least a couple of times during that time sharing that he had cancer, but somehow she never read them or something. I realized that after emailing her or talking to her weekly for years and I suddenly "disappear" for almost a year and she never reached out to me. that I was a much better friend to her than she was to me.
More recently, hubby suffered a traumatic brain injury and lost the ability to use the computer and read & send emails. I have been so busy being his 24/7 caregiver that I did not think that to go on his email address in close to 20 months. So, any emails that people sent to him in that time were never answered.
Pick up the phone and call your friends.
It doesn't seem like anything happened to this couple health wise, because the OP tracks them on Facebook and stated this couple have visited other people in her area.
Unfortunately when you do have a serious illness in the family and become a caregiver you find out who your friends are.
The OP is unwilling to pick up the phone, odd because again these aren't twenty somethings. They have to be at least in their 50s.
She seems more concerned about being slighted than what might have actually occurred.
Seriously. Pick up the phone and ask what they've been up to and how's it going, what's new in their life, etc. Don't make the convo all about you! Also don't make assumptions and just have a conversation! Why are people so averse to talking on the phone? It is so bizarre.
This.
I can sort of understand younger people who don't seem to know you can actually talk on a smart phone, but the OP is not young, so she does remember when phones were used for actually having a conversation.
Phone: In 35 years we have spoken on the phone maybe 3 times. They lead busy lives and have always preferred email and now texting.
Illness: Our mutual friend sees the other couple a lot and they are aging but not ill.
Email content, i.e., only talking about me, me, me: Nope. They weren't.
I recently asked our mutual friend what is going on since I have received no replies to emails and she was very surprised. They exchange emails weekly from what our friend says.
I tend to think we are out of sight, so out of mind. And we way overestimated the friendship. Oh well.
As to the cabin trip - I am leaning towards not going. I think it will be awkward.
If it's too difficult to just call them, then I DO think you've overestimated the relationship. Bigly, to use our President's term.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
