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Old 02-07-2017, 02:31 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,096 posts, read 107,233,376 times
Reputation: 115906

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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
You are right to be upset, OP. Your childbearing is your business, not your mother's .
.
Not to mention that the insistence he have a child before he's even married is completely inappropriate.
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Old 02-07-2017, 03:04 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
6,895 posts, read 5,818,856 times
Reputation: 23410
People have suggested a lot of explanations, bargains, challenges, etc...personally, I would not even go there. It implies the matter requires a defense or is up for debate somehow, and almost invites further wheedling, when the bottom line is that you will have kids when/if you want, no sooner, and you don't need to justify your choice.
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Old 02-07-2017, 03:08 PM
 
Location: Vermont
5,439 posts, read 16,822,707 times
Reputation: 2651
Do you even want a kid? I can see waiting until you can afford a house, but you can't wait forever.
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Old 02-07-2017, 04:23 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 25,007,498 times
Reputation: 50795
Well, you can distance yourself and I imagine that is what other posters have suggested.

But it seems to me the mature way to try and resolve this is to find a neutral counselor, social worker or clergy person to help you two talk through your feelings.

You could certainly address your parents' lack of interest in your lives, and your desire to build a solid future for yourselves. But it might be that, if you could get your mom to talk truthfully about her desire for grandchildren, you would learn why she is the way she is. In other words, you might understand her enough to forgive her.

To me it sounds as if you two are having the same conversation again and again, with the same frustrating results. You need to try and break the cycle.

If you can't get your mom to go with you to a counseling session, then, I think you are justified in taking some time off from visiting her. Is it OK with you that you also won't see your dad? That is something's no to consider, as well.

And, please know that the longer you put off having a child, the harder it might be to do so. That is a risk you take when you put having children past your early thirties.

But I also know that buying a house is harder now than it ever has been, and I get that you are saving toward that. And with two working parents, expenses for child care are quite high.
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Old 02-07-2017, 06:19 PM
 
61 posts, read 72,935 times
Reputation: 185
Yes, it's all about her. And you're unlikely to change her.

I had my twins at 41, husband was 47. His parents, well mostly father, were lamenting no grand-kids for years (they had four sons). Finally one brother had a kid-two years before we did. Anyway, we all-four brothers and wives, basically ignored him for years. That worked for us. None of us cared what he said. It had no impact on us. It was a family joke.

If you're actually affected by it, then try and tell her. Let her know she is basically ruining her relationship with you, an actual person, because of fantasies about a non-existent person-potential grandchild.

Most people love their kids enough to get it-may take a few reminders. She may also just feel you just need "prodding" to fulfill your parental destiny on her timetable. Disabuse her of that notion. Let her know she is not and will not be part of the decision making process involving children.

Now my twins are 18 and out of the house. I would never, ever express any wishes to them about their potential offspring. This is one completely personal & individual decision. Having a grandchild is "nice" for grandparents-no actual responsibilities and lots of bragging rights-so cute, so smart etc.

But once you have a child, that's it. You're on the hook forever. Not the grandparents-you and the Mom. Never be pressured into it.
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Old 02-08-2017, 06:49 AM
 
5,989 posts, read 6,738,563 times
Reputation: 18485
You are not ready, and maybe you never will be. You're not even married! Kids are expensive (unless, of course, you're dependent upon state assistance, in which case they are your livelihood, the key to free housing, free medical care, free food, free daycare while you take a community college class or two at taxpayer expense to "explore future career", etc.) The time to have children is when you want them - now is clearly not the time for you.

Sometimes a letter gets through better than spoken words. Write something expressing your love for her, but that her nagging you for a grandchild is driving you away. Don't make any ultimatums. Make plans for a nice vacation that doesn't involve seeing mom. Keep calling her, but as soon as she starts in on the grandchild issue, say, "Sorry, mom, I've gotta go now, talk to you soon", and get off the phone. She'll figure it out eventually. Don't use your precious vacation time to go visit her - use it to go where YOU want to go.
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Old 02-08-2017, 10:11 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,096 posts, read 107,233,376 times
Reputation: 115906
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Well, you can distance yourself and I imagine that is what other posters have suggested.

But it seems to me the mature way to try and resolve this is to find a neutral counselor, social worker or clergy person to help you two talk through your feelings.

You could certainly address your parents' lack of interest in your lives, and your desire to build a solid future for yourselves. But it might be that, if you could get your mom to talk truthfully about her desire for grandchildren, you would learn why she is the way she is. In other words, you might understand her enough to forgive her.

To me it sounds as if you two are having the same conversation again and again, with the same frustrating results. You need to try and break the cycle.

If you can't get your mom to go with you to a counseling session, then, I think you are justified in taking some time off from visiting her. Is it OK with you that you also won't see your dad? That is something's no to consider, as well.

And, please know that the longer you put off having a child, the harder it might be to do so. That is a risk you take when you put having children past your early thirties.

But I also know that buying a house is harder now than it ever has been, and I get that you are saving toward that. And with two working parents, expenses for child care are quite high.
He needs to stop conversing with her about it, that's all. "You know where we stand, so no further discussion is necessary. The topic is closed." Repeat as needed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist;
Sometimes a letter gets through better than spoken words. Write something expressing your love for her, but that her nagging you for a grandchild is driving you away. Don't make any ultimatums. Make plans for a nice vacation that doesn't involve seeing mom. Keep calling her, but as soon as she starts in on the grandchild issue, say, "Sorry, mom, I've gotta go now, talk to you soon", and get off the phone. She'll figure it out eventually. Don't use your precious vacation time to go visit her - use it to go where YOU want to go.
Another good idea. I'm still not getting the spend-vacation-with-mom concept, anyway. What about the girlfriend? Is she ok with playing second-fiddle to mom? Or does the OP get 2 vacations/year?
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Old 02-08-2017, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,026,928 times
Reputation: 51113
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
He needs to stop conversing with her about it, that's all. "You know where we stand, so no further discussion is necessary. The topic is closed." Repeat as needed.
Another good idea. I'm still not getting the spend-vacation-with-mom concept, anyway. What about the girlfriend? Is she ok with playing second-fiddle to mom? Or does the OP get 2 vacations/year?
I seem to recall that his GF switched jobs and does not have any time off, but the OP has a lot of time off.
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Old 02-08-2017, 02:04 PM
 
1,752 posts, read 3,741,515 times
Reputation: 2089
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I seem to recall that his GF switched jobs and does not have any time off, but the OP has a lot of time off.
Yes, true. Odd that people would think i would tell gf to stay home while i go on vacation with my mother, but anyway. Vacation was put in the books in December (we need to "bid" our vacation weeks for the next year at the end of previous), so I have this vacation time and gf does not.
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Old 02-08-2017, 02:11 PM
 
5,290 posts, read 5,210,038 times
Reputation: 18655
Being a grandmother is not a choice. Its something that happens as a byproduct of something YOU decide. Its not up to her, not even in the tiniest way. It sounds like she needs something to fill her life, a job, a dog....something.

If you dont want a kid, or arent ready, then thats that. It will be YOUR life impacted, not your mothers. If shes hounding you this bad, I cant imagine how she will hound you once you have one.

Think about that one.
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