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I do agree with a post that mentioned something about reconsidering about being in the wedding if you feel this way, you don't want it to come between your friendship.
I've been in so many weddings and have spent a lot on the dress, gifts, showers, etc. This is when weddings were smaller not the silly spectacular thing that so many have turned in to.
One of the most beautiful weddings I've ever been to had about 75 people. This is the wedding that stands out to me because it was intimate and had an elegant feeling and nice flow throughout the entire day, just lovely.
I was asked to be in a wedding awhile ago a girl that I knew from many years ago I was a bit surprised she asked me to be in her wedding since we were really just acquaintances. I had to decline because at the time I had a health thing and couldn't make the commitment. I wasn't sure I would be able to make it to the wedding but ended up going - the guy she married was so shady. The marriage didn't last long.
If it doesn't feel right to you to be in this wedding then listen to your instincts.
Last edited by 70's Music Girl; 02-07-2017 at 01:47 AM..
I only did it once and I would never do it again. Horrible experience (the bride's mother in my case). It's expensive enough to be a GUEST when relatives and friends get married today with all the hoopla that goes on for so many couples.
I've turned down other invitations since then. I had a job that required a certain amount of travel, so I cited my "erratic and unpredictable schedule." Tell the bride you don't want to risk causing her stress. Feel free to borrow that excuse.
If someone WANTS to be a bridesmaid, good for them. But in many cases it's a thankless task. No need to take it on if you're not comfortable. If the bride can't handle your wishes, she isn't much of a friend to you.
People today have much more money than they did back in the day. Not everyone wants a small intimate wedding. People should have whatever kind of wedding they want and can pay for. I have been to some fantastic weddings, with everything you could think of, and the couple was blissfully happy. All their friends and family had a fantastic time celebrating their union. Years later, they are still happy and it's a wonderful memory for the couple and for all of us who attended.
I don't see anyone here claiming that bridal couples shouldn't have the kind of wedding they want, in terms of size or style. They just shouldn't expect other people to pay the bill for it unless those people WANT TO. If this kind of thing is reciprocal in your experience, that doesn't mean it is for everyone. Not everyone even gets married! And not everyone has "more money than they did back in the day." A lot of people struggle today, especially young people with student loan debt. I'm happy for you if that's not your experience.
Last edited by Jukesgrrl; 02-07-2017 at 02:13 AM..
Reason: spelling
the problem is that i CAN afford it. it's the principle that bothers me. just because i can afford it doesn't mean that it should be that way, does that make sense? and that's why i would get a lot of backlash, because i'd be saying no just because i'm against the extravagant costs of a wedding, not because i can't afford it.
Have the strength of your convictions. Otherwise you will go through life in eternal inner conflict.
Did you just get asked for the July wedding? If you did, just bow out now.
If not, just practice your resolve next time you are asked.
I don't see anyone here claiming that bridal couples shouldn't have the kind of wedding they want, in terms of size or style. They just shouldn't expect other people to pay the bill for it unless those people WANT TO. If this kind of thing is reciprocal in your experience, that doesn't mean it is for everyone. Not everyone even gets married! And not everyone has "more money than they did back in the day." A lot of people struggle today, especially young people with student loan debt. I'm happy for you if that's not your experience.
It's up to the bride/groom to decide what type of wedding they want and it's up to the potential guests and wedding party to determine whether they want to pay to be a part of it. It is just that simple. Just because the bride/groom WANT to have a huge, extravagant wedding doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has the interest or money to want to pay to fly out of town to attend or be in the wedding party. Unfortunately, these days, it's just not as easy as paying $150 for your ticket that includes a checked bag that can hold the wedding clothing. You have to pay another $30-60 for a ticket for that dress/suit because it probably won't safely fit in a carry-on without getting wrinkled. The tickets typically cost between $200-400 now. A wedding weekend can easily be $1000 a person if you aren't in the wedding party, and lots more if you are part of the wedding party and are asked to take part in the shower/bachelorette/bachelor party festivites- particularly if those are "destination" activities as well.
I've been invited to destination weddings that probably cost $400 a night just for the hotel room and then there are the flights that can be $600-1000. Those are probably just to weed out attendees, but who wants to spend $2000+ just for a wedding? That ended one friendship for me because a friend kept haranguing me about hers even though I told her I would not be able to attend when I got the save the date card as it was in Hawaii right after the holidays and I live on the east coast.
I totally get you. I eloped I told no one except a few local people what the plan was (my family mostly lives out of state). Neither of us wanted a big wedding. My good friend did fly in and I offered to pay for her flight/rental car but she wouldn't let me...I did pay for the cabin though.
And I sure didn't make her get a fancy dress...she could have worn blue jeans and a tshirt for all I cared.
But I'm not a normal/typical person LOL...I've never been big on weddings in general, just not me. Thankfully my husband is the same way.
I've never been asked to be in someone's wedding actually but if I did I would decline, I know how easily that can snowball out of control expense wise....yikes.
If you don't like a person enough to buy a dress and pay your own way at their bachelorette party then just decline the offer. They'll happily replace you with a better friend.
So a "good" friend now means willing to shell out 1,000$ for them? Thats the thing - my definition of a good friend has nothing to do with money. Being a good friend has nothing to do with buying a 300$ dress for a party.
i'm done with weddings. i will be a bridesmaid, once again, in July of this year. this will be my 5th time being in a wedding party. i'm so frustrated with the extravagant costs that people want you to spend. i'm honestly starting to build some resentment about it. i was just told i need to chip in 200$ for the bridal shower... then i have to get the dress (about $200), alterations for the dress (prob $100) hair & makeup ($100), a shower gift, and then an actual gift for the wedding. bachelorette party will prob be around 200$ as well. don't forget the hotel too (prob $200/night). probably will top at about $1,000. which has been the same for the other 4 weddings i was in as well.
i know i know, i didn't have to say yes to being a bridesmaid. but the alternative of saying no would probably be a lot worse... "why doesn't she want to be a bridesmaid" "i can't believe you said no" "i can't believe you wouldn't partake in his/her special day". anyway, i just needed to vent. why can't people just have a low key party and you give a gift and then be done with it? i especially hate when people tell me "it will be your turn one day". NO! i plan on going to get the marriage license and then that's it. maybe the party will consist of a nice dinner where me and my boyfriend pay for everything. i would never expect people to pay for anything just because i decide to spend the rest of my life with someone.
anyone else? i'm considering saying no to the bachelorette party to cut costs.
Simply stated, you will need to stand your ground and defend your position regarding it. You may lose a friend or two, but you will keep some money in the bank. Ask yourself this: "Will these people help me out of financial trouble in the future if I need it?". In other words, you need to ask what these people really mean to you.
I am a guy, but I was recently invited to a 2nd cousin's who I never hear from wedding in Cancun and I said no. I simply cannot justify that cost. I also refused to go to her brother's wedding in Florida a few years back. I was working then and also could have afforded it, but I could not spend that type of money for a 6-8 hour event.
Last edited by AlmostSeniorinNJ; 02-07-2017 at 07:50 AM..
If you don't like a person enough to buy a dress and pay your own way at their bachelorette party then just decline the offer. They'll happily replace you with a better friend.
Let me guess. You are either planning or have just had one of those monstrous affairs.
Stop thinking of yourself for a moment and think about the amount of demand those have on the friends of the bride, especially ones who go through several of these. My wife's best friend had a daughter get married. And she threw an absolute hissy fit when a couple of the bridesmaids balked at buying some very expensive shoes to go with the very expensive bridesmaid dresses. They had all just graduated college, were just starting out in their jobs. For someone in that situation, ponying up $1000-$2000 for a dress, shoes, gifts, and travel is a lot to ask.
Weddings have just gotten out of hand, fueled in large part by shows such as Say Yes To The Dress. What used to be a simple ceremony followed by a fun party has turned into the freaking Ziegfeld Follies. As a result, the average wedding cost is now around $26K and change.
My wife was going off on this the other day, in fact. Now you have to have some exhibitionist Pop The Question moment, a film crew to shoot the whole thing from dawn to dusk, and a guest list that swells the venue. To me, the worst example of all of weddings masquerading as theater is the church shopping crowd. You know, the people who have never set foot in a church, but suddenly need a venue for the movie that is their life.
I attend a graceful Episcopal church. It has an exterior of weathered Norman stone, a beautiful wood interior, and stained glass windows that are really wonderful. As a result, we sit at the top of the list of the church shopping crowd. For a long time, people would come in, book the church, harry the church staff as if they were the hired help, and then disappear for good once the limousine pulled away from the curb. So we established some pretty simple rules:
First, you have to attend marriage classes before the wedding and follow our liturgy. No stupid crap such as making up your own vows (Trust me, they are uniformly awful. People will be too busy rolling their eyes to be paying attention to what you're saying). No cheesy ginned-up stuff such as the unity candle (A friend of mine describes it as a big phallic symbol, so lighting it is like asking everybody to watch on the wedding night). And music that is appropriate to the church. For example, the 'Here Comes The Bride' wedding march you almost always hear? Nope. Because that song is from Wagner, one where the chorus sings about the wedding night to come. In other words, we like our decorum, thanks.
The second thing? You either become an attending member of our church -- In which case the use of the church is essentially free -- or you pay the average tithe of a family, which runs around $4,000. Because, believe it or not, it's a lot of work for a church to put on a wedding. There is the clergy who is presiding on what is typically his or her day off. There's the wedding director. There's the organist. And there's the sexton who has to clean up after everyone goes home.
Some actually agree and become faithful members of our congregation, which is fantastic. But you'd be amazed at the number of prospective couples (In truth, the bride's parents) who are aghast at that. They were just looking for a nice place to have the hitching before returning to either their own church or not attending at all, putting us in the same basic league as the local VFW hall. I remember one monster mother of the bride demanding that a) their Baptist preacher perform the service and b) that we actually take down the brightwork around the church that she didn't deem appropriate for their faith. And then there are the ones who insist to the music director, a woman of considerable backbone, that the wedding march be played. Never mind that it was our church, not theirs. I mean, if my daughter were getting married in a Baptist church (Fat chance, she snorts), I wouldn't insist on dragging a keg into the Fellowship Hall. Hell, Lady, go to the Justice of the Peace if you think that way about it.
My wife has a theory. The more bridesmaids and groomsmen there are in the wedding, the shorter the marriage will usually be. Because it means that the couple getting married are spending way more time thinking about the wedding itself than the marriage that follows.
Awesome. Gave me a really good laugh, because it sounds so believable. I worked with a guy years ago who was a volunteer fireman and was always trying to recruit the women getting married to have their reception upstairs in the firehouse. Not sure if any took him up on it, but it was great for laughs!
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I told no one except a few local people what the plan was (my family mostly lives out of state). Neither of us wanted a big wedding. My good friend did fly in and I offered to pay for her flight/rental car but she wouldn't let me...I did pay for the cabin though.
