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I have friend like this as well. You do need to distance yourself some so that you don't get caught up in his depression as it's very trying. However, I would also send a quick email or text every so often to let him know you're still there if needed!
I went through a "friendship" like this for a while. The person is using you for free therapy. You need to refer them to counseling and tell them this is too one-sided for you. That you have your own problems and issues as well.
Also, once the person is "done" with you, they usually move on to other people. Either their life improves and they forget about you, or they decide you have nothing left that they can take from you.
I briefly knew someone like this quite a few years ago. She would call me on the phone late at night and rant about her divorce, her financial difficulties (she'd been going around to churches begging for money), and a host of other issues. I tried to help her with advice and digging up information for her. After a while she disappeared and moved on. I found out she did this with many other people. By strange coincidence, several years later, I found her online, just out in cyberspace, posting about her problems and issues all over again. I knew it was her, all the same details, she even gave out her age, location, etc. I suspect she has drug issues or a severe personality disorder.
I'm talking about moral support.
We've been friends for 15 years, always been a good relationship. Beginning of January he went into a deep funk.
He's been in a funk before and I've been supportive throughout. And he has done same for me.
This time it's been a month, 5 weeks...
and I've almost had it.
At the beginning he said, that just to hear from me helped. So I would call or email every couple of days - how are you?, a little about what I'm up to.
the response was always the same, he's not doing too good, he's going to see his therapist, he's going to see his psychiatrist.
never a question - how am I? what am I up to?
I've been in severe depressions in my life. I will pull myself up, go for a walk, call someone, talk to someone.
This guy has absented himself from me.
And while I recognize it is his choice -- not for me to tell him how to cope with his feelings,
but then it is my choice to say - there is a limit...
I told his sister (they talk every day/ or a few times a day), that for me to continue in this one-sided situation I'd have to be a relative, a lover, or a saint--
and I am none of these.
so .. any thoughts?
er.
You do not sound as though you have friend qualities. Depression is serious business. And he is actually addressing it with therapy. A once a week hang in there I'm thinking about you email seems hardly something to feel put out about.
For a friend with a problem they wish keep rehashing to me month after month, I usually say, "I'm happy to listen to you always because you're my bud, but if you want things to change you're going to have change something". This is only what I will say after months & months of just listening and being sympathetic to their feelings.
You do not sound as though you have friend qualities. Depression is serious business. And he is actually addressing it with therapy. A once a week hang in there I'm thinking about you email seems hardly something to feel put out about.
A friend should have your back.
A friend should also have something to give in return, not just take. If the OP isn't qualified to address depression, she is not the person he needs to be telling his problems to. I would need a PhD in psychiatry to address some of the problems that people I know have. And I don't have that and I can't deal with them.
Perhaps she should let go of this friendship because she can't give the person what he wants.
You do not sound as though you have friend qualities. Depression is serious business. And he is actually addressing it with therapy. A once a week hang in there I'm thinking about you email seems hardly something to feel put out about.
For a friend with a problem they wish keep rehashing to me month after month, I usually say, "I'm happy to listen to you always because you're my bud, but if you want things to change you're going to have change something". This is only what I will say after months & months of just listening and being sympathetic to their feelings.
A friend should have your back.
Exactly.
I agree, if it goes on and on for months and someone makes no effort to change the situation, but this situation has only been a few weeks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl
Exactly. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who think that someone in depression can just pull themselves out of it and go for a walk.
You haven't been supporting him. Go over, grab him, take him for a walk, out to lunch, sit and talk in person. An email? That's not hoe you treat a friend.
Great suggestions, but the OP finds sending an email too much of an effort.
She isn't going to take him to lunch or visit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tassity22
A friend should also have something to give in return, not just take. If the OP isn't qualified to address depression, she is not the person he needs to be telling his problems to. I would need a PhD in psychiatry to address some of the problems that people I know have. And I don't have that and I can't deal with them.
Perhaps she should let go of this friendship because she can't give the person what he wants.
This has only been going on few weeks, not for months on end.
It's one thing if someone for months and months or even years has the same issue but does nothing about it, but that's not the case here.
The OP isn't qualified to address cancer, so to use your logic if a friend has breast cancer stay away, you're not a doctor.
A friend(a real friend) is supposed to be there for you.
The fact that the OP was offended that this "friend" who is a deep depression didn't ask about HER(you see it's all about her) and than downplays his situation shows how much of a friend she is.
Her comment about the walk is along the lines of how doctors years ago used to dismiss women suffering from postpartum depression by telling them to "go buy a new hat, you will feel better".
Exactly. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who think that someone in depression can just pull themselves out of it and go for a walk.
You haven't been supporting him. Go over, grab him, take him for a walk, out to lunch, sit and talk in person. An email? That's not hoe you treat a friend.
There is a difference between "depressed" and "depression".
The latter is a very serious condition and has very little to do with being in a "funk" mood for over a month.
Good friends would be able to tell the difference.
I went through a "friendship" like this for a while. The person is using you for free therapy. You need to refer them to counseling and tell them this is too one-sided for you. That you have your own problems and issues as well.
Also, once the person is "done" with you, they usually move on to other people. Either their life improves and they forget about you, or they decide you have nothing left that they can take from you.
I briefly knew someone like this quite a few years ago. She would call me on the phone late at night and rant about her divorce, her financial difficulties (she'd been going around to churches begging for money), and a host of other issues. I tried to help her with advice and digging up information for her. After a while she disappeared and moved on. I found out she did this with many other people. By strange coincidence, several years later, I found her online, just out in cyberspace, posting about her problems and issues all over again. I knew it was her, all the same details, she even gave out her age, location, etc. I suspect she has drug issues or a severe personality disorder.
I have very little patience for people like this also. But the OP and her friend have been friends for 15 years, and he has been there for her in the past, by her own admission. She said that he is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, which means that at least he is trying. I think that in this case the OP should educate herself about clinical depression. It takes time for therapy and medications to work. Also, we're in the middle of winter, which is rough on a lot of people with depression. I know that it is on me. There are very good websites about what to say and what not to say to someone with depression. I don't think that the OP should give up on her friend, and the support probably means alot to him, even if he isn't in the frame of mind to express it.
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