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Old 02-20-2017, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Atlanta, GA
6 posts, read 5,643 times
Reputation: 15

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Recently, I found that one of my dear friends who I’ve known since freshman year of college (four years ago) is unsupportive and/or jealous of my accomplishments. For the sake of confidentiality I’ll name him Chris. Chris and I take a lot of the same classes so we see each other daily and constantly collaborate in group projects throughout the semester. Naturally, we became close and keep each other up to date on what’s going on in each other’s lives. Since we both have been trying to find internships for the summer, we always shared what companies offered us interviews and how those interviews went, etc.

One day, after class, we were sitting in our school’s student center and I got a call from a company offering me an internship position. Excitedly, I told him, “I just got an internship offer!” and he stared at me lacking any ounce of excitement whatsoever. He never said “congratulations” or anything, he only proceeded to ask me how hard the interviewing process was. His reaction was really a shock to me because we had always been supportive of each other for these past years. When he told me he had gotten an internship offer roughly two months earlier I was ecstatic and expected the same reaction from him.

To make things worse, our mutual friend, who is also Chris’ roommate, informed me that once at home, Chris was actually upset that I had gotten my internship and basically hoped that I wouldn’t get a job for the summer. This was really a shock to me because it didn't seem like something he would do.

I always thought friends should at least be supportive of each other, so this made me question our friendship. If it was anyone else, I would just cut them out of my life, but I can’t. We are still taking the same classes and are in Senior Design (a two semester group oriented class where groups are unchangeable once formed) so we are guaranteed to have at least one class together next semester also.

Now, I’ve just stopped talking to him about anything unrelated to school and the projects we are working together on. I just don’t trust him enough to tell him what good things happen in my life because, to me, he’s rooting against me.

Am I handling this the right way? Is it that big of a deal?
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Old 02-20-2017, 02:02 PM
 
17,815 posts, read 25,574,545 times
Reputation: 36267
Sorry to say, he is not your friend.

Yes, you are handling it the right way. Yes, it is a big deal, going forward keep your distance and you don't tell him anything about any successes or failures you have(people like this will love to hear you didn't get a job or something else you wanted).

While it is painful, you sound like a smart young man and you're learning a lesson in life that some of us have found out when we're a lot older.

Maya Angelou the writer had some words of wisdom on this "when people show themselves to you believe them".

He resents you, and that is not a friend.
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Old 02-20-2017, 02:09 PM
 
9,329 posts, read 4,125,410 times
Reputation: 8224
I sympathize with you, but I also have to say that even among friends, envy, jealousy, or competition is normal. If this is the only thing holding together your relationship, then drop him. But if your friendship is broader than that, then you might want to re-think things. Would you have been happier if he put on a fake insincere front of happiness for you? I'm sure tons of people do that. Do you require blind support from everyone around you? Is that all your "trust" is based on?
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Old 02-20-2017, 02:16 PM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,103,864 times
Reputation: 62664
First, what the roommate told you is hearsay and gossip, neither is reliable or admissable in court.
After that, not everyone is required to be as excited about every detail in your life.
Perhaps Chris was not feeling well, had other more important to him issues on his mind, was just not in the mood to celebrate anything.
You expectations of someone else is hard for them to meet when they are unaware that your trust and friendship of them is based on their unconditional support of you.
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Old 02-20-2017, 02:18 PM
 
17,815 posts, read 25,574,545 times
Reputation: 36267
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clarallel View Post
I sympathize with you, but I also have to say that even among friends, envy, jealousy, or competition is normal. If this is the only thing holding together your relationship, then drop him. But if your friendship is broader than that, then you might want to re-think things. Would you have been happier if he put on a fake insincere front of happiness for you? I'm sure tons of people do that. Do you require blind support from everyone around you? Is that all your "trust" is based on?
No, it isn't "normal" to this extent. When you're told that the "friend" was actually upset and angry that the OP got the job, these are people you don't need in your life.

Again, "when people show themselves to you believe them".

It may be a shock, and it will hurt, but in the long run they're actually doing you a favor showing they really resent you and don't wish you well. These aren't people you keep around.
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Old 02-20-2017, 02:22 PM
 
17,815 posts, read 25,574,545 times
Reputation: 36267
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
First, what the roommate told you is hearsay and gossip, neither is reliable or admissable in court.
After that, not everyone is required to be as excited about every detail in your life.
Perhaps Chris was not feeling well, had other more important to him issues on his mind, was just not in the mood to celebrate anything.
You expectations of someone else is hard for them to meet when they are unaware that your trust and friendship of them is based on their unconditional support of you.
Did you miss the part where the OP stated that Chris couldn't even say congratulations on getting a job, when he got the call and was sitting right next to him?

Getting the word that you got the job, isn't every detail in your life. The OP didn't say I just got this shirt at The Gap and got a shrug, this was a big deal.

There are people who resent anyone who they think(whether it is real or imagined) has it better than them. Whether it's a new job, a new car, or a new romantic relationship.

They don't wish you well.
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Old 02-20-2017, 02:51 PM
 
1,659 posts, read 1,250,934 times
Reputation: 3615
Quote:
Originally Posted by sbucki_GT View Post
Now, I’ve just stopped talking to him about anything unrelated to school and the projects we are working together on. I just don’t trust him enough to tell him what good things happen in my life because, to me, he’s rooting against me.

Am I handling this the right way? Is it that big of a deal?
Friendship is about give and take and being supportive of each other. If you can't trust someone then they're not a true friend any longer.
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Old 02-20-2017, 02:52 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,593 posts, read 37,394,969 times
Reputation: 29336
"Unsupportive" and "friend" are mutually exclusive terms.
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Old 02-20-2017, 03:26 PM
 
15,534 posts, read 15,551,422 times
Reputation: 21890
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
No, it isn't "normal" to this extent. When you're told that the "friend" was actually upset and angry that the OP got the job, these are people you don't need in your life.

Again, "when people show themselves to you believe them".

It may be a shock, and it will hurt, but in the long run they're actually doing you a favor showing they really resent you and don't wish you well. These aren't people you keep around.
So you're condemning him on the basis of third-party hearsay? How do you know the person wasn't slanting it slightly?

And I have to say, if you look only for people who are perfect for you in every way, you will have a very small, weak-minded circle. The poster should look at the entire relationship.
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Old 02-20-2017, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,436 posts, read 34,627,532 times
Reputation: 73585
Maybe you caught him at a bad time when you shared the information of your internship. In the grand scheme of things I think that is pretty minor. Friends make mistakes and if he has been this awesome friend for years, you could let this go.

The only other thing is gossip you heard from a friend. What kind of friend are you to take third party info without talking to "Chris" first?
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