have alot of guilt and anger with my relationshpi with my parents

[CitytoCountryWife]

There's no reason to keep a toxic person in your life. It doesn't matter who they are.
As someone who grew up with an abusive mother, I feel that there is no greater betrayal than a mother mistreating her child.
My father did not stand up for me until I developed severe depression. By then, so much damage was already done. I commend my father for chastising my mom when she is out of line. He's been doing more of that recently.

It's time for you to think about yourself and your happiness. If your mother is too awful to have in your life, you don't need to be close to her. I keep my mother at an arm's length and it works well for myself and my marriage. She wasn't invited to our wedding and she isn't permitted to stay in our home overnight. My mother doesn't like our boundaries but that's not our problem.

[Ellabella2]

My heart goes out to you OP. I had a mentally ill mother who self-medicated with booze. No father. A family member who knew about the abuse I was enduring and did nothing to help me.

Your mother has no redeeming qualities. Zero. And it doesn't matter if she's getting any better. She's completely toxic to you. As hard as it is I'd suggest COMPLETELY cutting her out of your life. I had to do the same with mine, and it helped. No fresh wounds after I cut her off in my early 20's.

Your father should be ashamed of himself. He was the (apparently) mentally healthy sober one and he didn't do anything to help you. In a way he's even worse than your mom. SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on him. He doesn't deserve to be in your life. I'd suggest cutting him out of your life too, but I know how hard this may be. This is where a skilled therapist can be helpful. I don't know how much emotional support you have otherwise, but the more the better when you are are deciding what to do.

It's a struggle knowing which members of your family you need to cut out of your life as an adult when you grew up as an abused kid. I still struggle with it and I'm a lot older than you. All of the family relationships tend to get messed up when there is major abuse, even between people who didn't abuse each other. Even the sibling relationships, sometimes aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. Families are systems and when one part of the system completely breaks down it's unreasonable to expect that there won't be repercussions in the rest of the system.

Don't minimize what you've been through, and don't let anyone else do so either. You've been through a war. Make sure you continue to get the help you need, and keep us posted.

[Ellabella2]

Oh, and the guilt you feel about "lashing out" at your father? You can let that go RIGHT NOW. Whatever you said to him he deserves for not stepping up for you with your mother. You have ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH reasons to feel guilty!

Finally, don't let ANYONE ever try to make you feel guilty for not helping them/taking care of them/giving them money when they're old (and they might in a few years, I've been there). It may sound harsh, but it's not. They deserve NOTHING from you.