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Your anger is justified. Looks up narcissistic parents. Your mom fits it to a tee. I was also raised by a narcissist. The verbal and mental abuse continued into adulthood. 11 years ago I said ENOUGH. I told my mother until she was willing to get help for her mental illness, I could no longer have a relationship with her. I never heard from her again. I know she tells extended family that I'm a horrible daughter who kept her from her grandchildren (not true), that I'm crazy (not true), and that the estrangement is all my fault. All I know is that it is absolutely one of the BEST things I ever did for myself. Liberating yourself from that prison, that burden, is an amazing feeling.
I can look back at my mom and understand that a lot of her behavior stemmed from mental illness. I can forgive her, but I will NEVER forget. I think once you begin your road to healing you will realize that we're all just people. Parents are no better or worse than anyone else, some people quite frankly really suck at it. Throw in some alcoholism/mental illness, and it's a tragic situation for a child. I'm so sorry you had to live with that. I hope the rest of your life is joyful and peaceful and HAPPY. You deserve it.
Also I bet the reason your Dad denies the abuse is that he can't admit to himself that he let it happen. People can conveniently rewrite history to fit their own needs. Sounds like your Dad has done this to protect himself, to absolve himself of the guilt. I can also assume your mom was abusive towards him, so maybe his staying out of it was a way to not draw more abuse towards himself (which is still a really crappy thing to do).
I had a similar upbringing, if less severe. I left the minute I could and never looked back but that decision has become a problem for me now, in my later adulthood. I have a child who needs grandparents and a context. I am routinely conflicted. My mother, the "failed to protect us" one has died and I am left with the abuser as my only relation. My sister's stayed while I fled and they say that this allowed them to develop understanding and a modicum of forgiveness for this person, over the years of their watching and participating. I have recently relocated back into their lives and don't have those years of non-negative adult interaction to color my feelings for this person. So even though I am coming back at 50, I feel 17 again and have no adult skills with which to deal with the situation. So I am not sure if fleeing entirely was the right choice, I just delayed the inevitable.
Your parents are both abusive and worse than useless. This is NOT your fault. I was raised by two narcissists and am only now coming to terms with my mother's treatment of me at 40. My father and I get along fine and always did because he was a non-invasive type. But my mother could totally level me like yours did to you, though she didn't tend to get as nitpicky as yours.
Here's what I think: You are justified in cutting them out of your life. You do not need these people. Your mother is an abuser and your father is her enabler. But you also should have a therapist to help you figure out normal human relationships and how to set normal boundaries. I am seeking one out for myself right now, and it's because I realize I have a skewed perception of reality to a certain degree after years of gaslighting and unreasonable expectations. Kind of like your body dysmorphia, maybe. You have a lot to deal with, and a therapist could be very helpful. Don't be afraid to try out multiple ones.
Answer is simple. Cut them out of your life. You're better without them. Your dad is useless. Your mom is just a woman who gave birth to you. Nothing more.
I had a similar upbringing, if less severe. I left the minute I could and never looked back but that decision has become a problem for me now, in my later adulthood. I have a child who needs grandparents and a context. I am routinely conflicted. My mother, the "failed to protect us" one has died and I am left with the abuser as my only relation. My sister's stayed while I fled and they say that this allowed them to develop understanding and a modicum of forgiveness for this person, over the years of their watching and participating. I have recently relocated back into their lives and don't have those years of non-negative adult interaction to color my feelings for this person. So even though I am coming back at 50, I feel 17 again and have no adult skills with which to deal with the situation. So I am not sure if fleeing entirely was the right choice, I just delayed the inevitable.
Your abuser is certainly capable of abusing your child.
Developing an understanding and a modicum of forgiveness is just continuing to let the abuser take advantage of you, so you can prove that you're a mature adult by helping out your elderly (abusive) parent.
I stayed and my sisters fled. The abuse continued, the taking advantage of me, putting me down and making me feel I didn't deserve normal things like a decent place to live or health care, and extended to putting down my children and trying to create problems between me and my husband so I would become dependent on my parent again. My kids have suffered from having a grandmother who sees them as an extension of me and all of us as nothing but servants to her with no feelings at all. We've limited contact now and are trying to recover as a family. You probably did the wise thing by taking off. If I could go back in time, I would get the hell out of dodge when my sisters did.
1. am i making my child hood "abuse" out to be worse than it really is? im sure lots of people had bad childhoods. I do consider the possibility that i use it as a crutch as its easy to point and blame for shortcomings
2. Is my anger at my dad unfounded? should i feel guilty for lashing out at him and cutting him out of my life? he has always been there for me, but i do feel like he enabled my mom
1.It's not a crutch. It's a pit that you've had to climb out of. You probably see other families or hear about your friends' families and feel like there's a hole in your life where a loving family should be.
You're not making it out to be worse than it was. It was horrible.
2.Your anger at your dad is justified. He didn't do anything to stop the abuse which makes him guilty too. His job was to protect you and instead he chose your mother over you, over and over again.
Sometimes all you can do is distance yourself from them so they can't continue to hurt you. Your mother is being nice now because you're successful and not dependent on her for anything, but she can't be nice forever. She'll find ways to mess with your head eventually.
I had a similar upbringing, if less severe. I left the minute I could and never looked back but that decision has become a problem for me now, in my later adulthood. I have a child who needs grandparents and a context. I am routinely conflicted. My mother, the "failed to protect us" one has died and I am left with the abuser as my only relation. My sister's stayed while I fled and they say that this allowed them to develop understanding and a modicum of forgiveness for this person, over the years of their watching and participating. I have recently relocated back into their lives and don't have those years of non-negative adult interaction to color my feelings for this person. So even though I am coming back at 50, I feel 17 again and have no adult skills with which to deal with the situation. So I am not sure if fleeing entirely was the right choice, I just delayed the inevitable.
IMHO, children do not NEED grandparents. While, children can benefit from loving, caring grandparents, they do not need grandparents.
See below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
Your abuser is certainly capable of abusing your child.
Developing an understanding and a modicum of forgiveness is just continuing to let the abuser take advantage of you, so you can prove that you're a mature adult by helping out your elderly (abusive) parent.
I stayed and my sisters fled. The abuse continued, the taking advantage of me, putting me down and making me feel I didn't deserve normal things like a decent place to live or health care, and extended to putting down my children and trying to create problems between me and my husband so I would become dependent on my parent again. My kids have suffered from having a grandmother who sees them as an extension of me and all of us as nothing but servants to her with no feelings at all. We've limited contact now and are trying to recover as a family. You probably did the wise thing by taking off. If I could go back in time, I would get the hell out of dodge when my sisters did.
As others have said, you need to walk away from this. Your parents have made decisions and they need to suffer the consequences of those actions. I would concentrate on your life and seeking opportunities to make someone else's life better. There are many ways you can help kids that need some attention. I remember many years ago I helped out in a church program for young boys. There was one boy I still remember that all he needed was someone to care about him. You can cause an affect that lasts a lifetime just by caring.
1. am i making my child hood "abuse" out to be worse than it really is? im sure lots of people had bad childhoods. I do consider the possibility that i use it as a crutch as its easy to point and blame for shortcomings
You're not making them out to be worse than they were. The only way that you use things like that as a crutch is if you use them to say "this is why I can't get ahead" or "this is why I comitted this crime" or whatever. She was a B to you, she was abusive towards you, there is no need to put that in quotations. You WERE abused.
Now you have to find a way to let it go. It's done. It's over. Absolutely NOTHING will change what happened. Stewing about it only hurts you. She has no power over you anymore unless you continue to let her.
Maybe a few therapy sessions where you can get it ALL out of your system, once and for all, would be in order. Then...go on with life and focus on your good qualities, and not every nasty bitchy thing she ever said or did to you.
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2. Is my anger at my dad unfounded? should i feel guilty for lashing out at him and cutting him out of my life? he has always been there for me, but i do feel like he enabled my mom
Feelings are never "unfounded". How you feel is how you feel, and no one can say that you aren't supposed to "feel" a certain way about anything. You simply need to realize that you control your own life now, no one else. If you feel that you cannot accept that your dad denies and enables, then don't accept it and continue on. If you feel that you can accept that he denies and enables, then try to repair the relationship. But it means you have to fully accept who he is and how he is. It is not fair to say "I accept how you are" and then throw it in their face all the time. You either accept him the way he is, or you don't. Only you know if you can do that or not.
You would not be the first 'child' to cut their parents completely out of their life. You're not alone...small comfort, of course, but you're not alone in the horrors of "World's Sh**tiest Parents" Award.
Edit: By the way, if you want someone to talk to, you can PM me and I'll talk to you. I've been down this road of hell. I'm not a therapist, so don't expect me to "cure" you of anything that you need a licensed therapist to help you work on, (anger, rage, guilt, etc). I cannot do that for you. I CAN listen, and I CAN share with you my own travels down that horrific, dark road. I know it takes time. I know it's not like a light switch that you can turn on...always my favorite thing when people say, "just get over it". Nope. Not that easy. I can share my experience and what I did, including allowing the narcisstic birthing device back in to my life for a short time until I realized...yeah...they just keep doing it to you if you let them. So PM me if you want to talk to "others" as you said. I've got experience in this in spades...goody gum drops.
Last edited by Three Wolves In Snow; 02-27-2017 at 07:00 PM..
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