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I've had a revelation - and I'm going to share it.
I believe that God allows us to experience things, even painful things, not so He can "teach us a lesson" in a punitive way, but so that He can give us what we need to become better people, to fulfill our full potential as His beloved child and His emissaries on this earth. So though this lesson has been very painful to me in many ways, first and foremost, I want to thank God for His unwavering commitment to helping me be a better person.
I know this song is about lovers, but it really can apply to any relationship in our lives that is a one way street. I've had such an epiphany experience. For the first time in my life, I actually feel free of the burden of perceived responsibilities.
I've been the type all my life who always felt that I needed to "do the right thing" no matter how the other person in the relationship - friends or family - treated me.
Well, I got part of that right - I do have the responsibility to do the right thing, but the component that I was missing is that in some cases, doing the right thing means walking away from relationships that are lopsided - relationships where one person is perpetually judgmental, or deceitful, or cruel, or unappreciative - and the other person is perpetually pursuing their love and always hoping that being faithful and giving will eventually prove their love to the other person.
I kept expecting that these people, many of whom span many years in my life, will turn around one day and say, "You know what - you have proven that you love me and I finally appreciate it!" I have come to realize and accept that this isn't going to happen. And after an initial response of grief and shock, I realized something else - I realized how freeing this is! I realized that once I let go of the relentless pursuit, the relentless hope that one day I would be loved and appreciated - that there is incredible freedom in letting go of that. It's been like having an incessant bleed somewhere - a sore that will never heal, a hunger that can never be satiated. I honestly never realized that it is within my power to either continue the pursuit - or to simply stop pursuing them.
I have also realized that it is my responsibility to choose better relationships and to invest my love and my gifts in better long term investments. I am not absolved from responsibility in this. I have to understand that there's been something in my personality, in my unrequited needs - that has attracted people who then use me and do not respect me.
All my life, some people have realized that I will put up with their mistreatment - I've sent that message, without realizing it. There are people in this world who recognize weakness and hunger in other people, and who will exploit those people if they are allowed to do so.
You know, I've known this in theory, but I didn't realize that I was sending off this signal, that I was allowing this to continue in my life. Now i realize it - and now I'm stopping it.
I also realized that joy comes in the morning. We can drink from a cup of sorrow - or we can drink from a cup of joy. I choose joy!
It's incredibly freeing. Yes, there is some grief, but you know what - I know I will get over grief. In fact, understanding that the relationships and expectations I'm letting go of are not healthy to begin with, really lessens the grief considerably. IN FACT, I'll even go so far as to say - with absolute truthfulness - that with that realization, the grief is actually transformed into a sense of exhilarating freedom!
I felt that way until I went back on my meds, now I am back to being sane!
Haha. Or maybe you didn't mean it as a joke, I can't tell.
However, I do not think this is insane at all. I think it takes work to establish healthy boundaries, and some people are able and willing to do the work, and others are not.
I'm able and willing. Without meds. Just my personal choice. YMMV.
I feel great now in fact - like a huge burden fell off my shoulders.
I've had a revelation - and I'm going to share it.
I believe that God allows us to experience things, even painful things, not so He can "teach us a lesson" in a punitive way, but so that He can give us what we need to become better people, to fulfill our full potential as His beloved child and His emissaries on this earth. So though this lesson has been very painful to me in many ways, first and foremost, I want to thank God for His unwavering commitment to helping me be a better person.
I know this song is about lovers, but it really can apply to any relationship in our lives that is a one way street. I've had such an epiphany experience. For the first time in my life, I actually feel free of the burden of perceived responsibilities.
I've been the type all my life who always felt that I needed to "do the right thing" no matter how the other person in the relationship - friends or family - treated me.
Well, I got part of that right - I do have the responsibility to do the right thing, but the component that I was missing is that in some cases, doing the right thing means walking away from relationships that are lopsided - relationships where one person is perpetually judgmental, or deceitful, or cruel, or unappreciative - and the other person is perpetually pursuing their love and always hoping that being faithful and giving will eventually prove their love to the other person.
I kept expecting that these people, many of whom span many years in my life, will turn around one day and say, "You know what - you have proven that you love me and I finally appreciate it!" I have come to realize and accept that this isn't going to happen. And after an initial response of grief and shock, I realized something else - I realized how freeing this is! I realized that once I let go of the relentless pursuit, the relentless hope that one day I would be loved and appreciated - that there is incredible freedom in letting go of that. It's been like having an incessant bleed somewhere - a sore that will never heal, a hunger that can never be satiated. I honestly never realized that it is within my power to either continue the pursuit - or to simply stop pursuing them.
I have also realized that it is my responsibility to choose better relationships and to invest my love and my gifts in better long term investments. I am not absolved from responsibility in this. I have to understand that there's been something in my personality, in my unrequited needs - that has attracted people who then use me and do not respect me.
All my life, some people have realized that I will put up with their mistreatment - I've sent that message, without realizing it. There are people in this world who recognize weakness and hunger in other people, and who will exploit those people if they are allowed to do so.
You know, I've known this in theory, but I didn't realize that I was sending off this signal, that I was allowing this to continue in my life. Now i realize it - and now I'm stopping it.
I also realized that joy comes in the morning. We can drink from a cup of sorrow - or we can drink from a cup of joy. I choose joy!
It's incredibly freeing. Yes, there is some grief, but you know what - I know I will get over grief. In fact, understanding that the relationships and expectations I'm letting go of are not healthy to begin with, really lessens the grief considerably. IN FACT, I'll even go so far as to say - with absolute truthfulness - that with that realization, the grief is actually transformed into a sense of exhilarating freedom!
Thank you! I feel very powerful now and in charge of my emotions.
I've known this intellectually for awhile now - and I've applied it in my life before and I thought I had things under control. But over the past couple of years, my family has lost several members to death and long illnesses, and the dynamics have shifted and a lot of responsibility was handed to me - and in my grief and lack of balance, I accepted more responsibility - and more emotional abuse - than I ever should have.
Bad habits, old insecurities and hungers, factors in my own past and personality that I thought I had gotten a grip on - those surfaced during these difficult times, and they began to encroach on my life, and on my relationships, and on my happiness. It was a slow, insidious slide back into bad patterns that I had spent time and money getting past and through years ago.
So it's like I've suddenly woken back up and said, "HEY. THIS IS BS. I'M NOT GOING THERE AGAIN."
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,488 posts, read 3,335,073 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Thank you! I feel very powerful now and in charge of my emotions.
I've known this intellectually for awhile now - and I've applied it in my life before and I thought I had things under control. But over the past couple of years, my family has lost several members to death and long illnesses, and the dynamics have shifted and a lot of responsibility was handed to me - and in my grief and lack of balance, I accepted more responsibility - and more emotional abuse - than I ever should have.
Bad habits, old insecurities and hungers, factors in my own past and personality that I thought I had gotten a grip on - those surfaced during these difficult times, and they began to encroach on my life, and on my relationships, and on my happiness. It was a slow, insidious slide back into bad patterns that I had spent time and money getting past and through years ago.
So it's like I've suddenly woken back up and said, "HEY. THIS IS BS. I'M NOT GOING THERE AGAIN."
Wow, I feel so much better!
It is so easy to backslide into the familiar patterns. In a sense it is easier because we have lived that since almost birth. It is hard work being vigilant! The rewards though, are phenomenal!
It is so easy to backslide into the familiar patterns. In a sense it is easier because we have lived that since almost birth. It is hard work being vigilant! The rewards though, are phenomenal!
You are not kidding!
It took a lot to push me back into that unhealthy, reactive, "automatic" mode - it was a series of illnesses and deaths within my immediate family that brought up a whole lot of unhealthy and old dynamics - it was like the grief and stress stripped away the strength and wisdom that I'd been able to forge over the years. And before I knew it, I was floundering again and allowing these old dynamics to overtake my life.
But I uncovered a long, ongoing deception yesterday, by my parents (both of them together, though my dad passed away a few months ago) and though it was initially painful for me to realize the depth of this deception and it's ramifications to me over the years, it was so incredibly blatant and hurtful and intentional that it forced me to face the truth - and that was that though I had moved forward and felt like I was finally in control of my life and my feelings about abusive people, that doesn't mean that others moved. And when things got tough, they didn't hold on to the illusion and shallow level of respect that I had forced them to either enact, or accept the loss of my relationship with them.
Does that make sense?
It's like a thin blanket covering their true lack of respect and appreciation for me had been ripped away, and I have to finally accept that when I put my boundaries in place twenty five years ago, they never REALLY accepted those boundaries. They "behaved themselves" to my face (for the most part) but all they were really trying to do was continue to keep me in their lives in case they needed me - which they did (and my mom still does) when they both got old and sick.
They thought they could maintain the illusion and that under that illusion, I would meet their needs and increasing demands.
Guess what - I've found out the truth, and I'll adjust my future actions and interactions accordingly. It's actually a huge relief to me because I had taken on more and more of their care and responsibility for their well being and now I realize I don't have nearly the responsibility I thought I had.
That may sound cold but I really don't feel mean spirited. I feel like I'm simply being honest with myself and others, whether they choose to be honest or not. I can only be responsible for my own actions.
My biggest regret about it is that my dad died before I knew about this, so I wasn't able to call his hand on it. He died thinking he had gotten away with it - and maybe he did. But maybe he didn't - I guess it just depends on whether or not there is an afterlife and a judgment. I personally believe there is and that we really don't ever get away with anything, but others may not agree with me on that and since we can't prove it one way or another, I'm not going to debate that.
Understand what you are saying KoA. In my case, I realized looking back on my life that the single overshadowing error I have made in my life is that I would 'walk into hell for a heavenly cause'. Man from LaMancha.
At 65 I just realized that this is in my nature and there were those who recognized this trait and have used it to their advantage. I was too blind to have figured it out sooner. But I know now.
That being said I now feel free after having this understanding. Can't change the past but I can pull back on the urge to tilt at windmills.
Understand what you are saying KoA. In my case, I realized looking back on my life that the single overshadowing error I have made in my life is that I would 'walk into hell for a heavenly cause'. Man from LaMancha.
At 65 I just realized that this is in my nature and there were those who recognized this trait and have used it to their advantage. I was too blind to have figured it out sooner. But I know now.
That being said I now feel free after having this understanding. Can't change the past but I can pull back on the urge to tilt at windmills.
Stay strong and don't slip back to old habits
What a great quote. Thank you so much for the insight and your wise words.
I've had a revelation - and I'm going to share it.
I believe that God allows us to experience things, even painful things, not so He can "teach us a lesson" in a punitive way, but so that He can give us what we need to become better people, to fulfill our full potential as His beloved child and His emissaries on this earth. So though this lesson has been very painful to me in many ways, first and foremost, I want to thank God for His unwavering commitment to helping me be a better person.
I know this song is about lovers, but it really can apply to any relationship in our lives that is a one way street. I've had such an epiphany experience. For the first time in my life, I actually feel free of the burden of perceived responsibilities.
I've been the type all my life who always felt that I needed to "do the right thing" no matter how the other person in the relationship - friends or family - treated me.
Well, I got part of that right - I do have the responsibility to do the right thing, but the component that I was missing is that in some cases, doing the right thing means walking away from relationships that are lopsided - relationships where one person is perpetually judgmental, or deceitful, or cruel, or unappreciative - and the other person is perpetually pursuing their love and always hoping that being faithful and giving will eventually prove their love to the other person.
I kept expecting that these people, many of whom span many years in my life, will turn around one day and say, "You know what - you have proven that you love me and I finally appreciate it!" I have come to realize and accept that this isn't going to happen. And after an initial response of grief and shock, I realized something else - I realized how freeing this is! I realized that once I let go of the relentless pursuit, the relentless hope that one day I would be loved and appreciated - that there is incredible freedom in letting go of that. It's been like having an incessant bleed somewhere - a sore that will never heal, a hunger that can never be satiated. I honestly never realized that it is within my power to either continue the pursuit - or to simply stop pursuing them.
I have also realized that it is my responsibility to choose better relationships and to invest my love and my gifts in better long term investments. I am not absolved from responsibility in this. I have to understand that there's been something in my personality, in my unrequited needs - that has attracted people who then use me and do not respect me.
All my life, some people have realized that I will put up with their mistreatment - I've sent that message, without realizing it. There are people in this world who recognize weakness and hunger in other people, and who will exploit those people if they are allowed to do so.
You know, I've known this in theory, but I didn't realize that I was sending off this signal, that I was allowing this to continue in my life. Now i realize it - and now I'm stopping it.
I also realized that joy comes in the morning. We can drink from a cup of sorrow - or we can drink from a cup of joy. I choose joy!
It's incredibly freeing. Yes, there is some grief, but you know what - I know I will get over grief. In fact, understanding that the relationships and expectations I'm letting go of are not healthy to begin with, really lessens the grief considerably. IN FACT, I'll even go so far as to say - with absolute truthfulness - that with that realization, the grief is actually transformed into a sense of exhilarating freedom!
Good lyrics to this song, by the way.
this was awesome and very timely for a friend....may I borrow this, and share it....as it would help give someone I know and love reassurance.
If you would rather I didn't, no worries, I understand.
thank you so much for this....incredible awakening....
My son, is so much like you, doing the right thing is deeply important to him...you don't see this quality much in people...oh, yes, you see other good qualities in them, but this Kathy, is rare. Thank you
I have slipped back into that same pattern myself, it is a struggle...and yet, to identify it as you have, is a great beginning.
love to you....
Last edited by cremebrulee; 02-28-2017 at 11:30 AM..
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