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Gosh I wish it was okay to ask. I love hearing about that kind of stuff, but it's so taboo to talk about it.
My husband was born in Europe and although he came to the US in his late teens, he still has a bit of an accent.
People still ask him where he's from. He's usually only offended if he's asked in an accusing way, like "Where are YOU from??"
I do think it's pretty rude & it was one of those questions I was taught never to ask, along with why don't you have children, how much money do you make, what did you pay for your house, etc. BUT, speaking as someone with an extremely unusual first AND last name, I get asked all the time! I mean it's constant, both by people who have heard my name or those who just see me (I have a bit of an exotic look), so they love to guess (always incorrectly).
While I was brought up to think it's rude, I've decided that I much prefer those who ask, than those who make assumptions or are going on their 8th guess & they're still wrong LOL.
I once mentioned that my DH's family was a particular religion, to a young guy I worked with since he had just encountered some people of that religion. The guy had met my DH, so he immediately jumped to all sorts of crazy conclusions (that he verbalized) b/c my DH has a beard. My DH is not even that religion & none of the assumptions were even close to correct, I mean he was laughably, obnoxiously wrong, so I've decided I'd just rather be asked outright then to have someone make assumptions.
ETA: Though I have to say, as PAhippo mentioned, that by honestly answering, I have also been subjected to assumptions that are really off the wall or downright offensive. OTOH, I was approached while teaching a class in another city once & several of my students were of the same heritage & invited me to join them for a traditional dinner & to share stories. It was pretty cool.
What's the point? If their ethnicity is not obvious, chances are they've been in the U.S. for several generations and either don't know much about their background or don't care.
It seems rude to me - like when people ask about someone's disability just because they are curious and then almost immediately tune out because they don't REALLY wanna hear about it. I mean, do you want to know if they can do folk dances from "the old country" or still know the language? And how will you treat them differently from knowing that?
I agree, it's also rude as hell to ask someone about their disability.
Why can't people just be curious about something and make the decision to not ask the question?
Yes, it's rude, but I do it anyway. Since starting genealogy, I find it fascinating where people are from. And not just people with accents.
California is a place where people move, that almost everyone I ask isn't from here. Only a handful of people I've met from over the years are native born Californian. Coming from Pennsylvania, and my lineage is Pennsylvanian from before the Revolutionary War, with nearing 20 numbered great grandfathers serving in it, it's kinda wild being here and having people from all over the US and the whole world here... sort of a conversational ice breaker...
But yes...it's rude. I think the reason I get away with it is I'm so happy to hear the story of how they came here, and I'm totally not judging....
I went to the bank recently, and the teller was a young white man with dark hair and his name tag said his last name was Davison. This was close to a friend's last name I know, Davidson, who I know is Welsh. So, out of curiosity, I asked him if his name was Welsh.
He said, no, his name was Davison. LOL.
I said, no, I mean the country, Wales, like are your ancestors from Wales and the reason I'm asking is I know someone whose family is from Wales and his last name is Davidson and yours seemed similar.
He at first seemed irritated, like I was asking too personal a question. Then, he told me a fascinating story about his great grandfather who had emigrated from somewhere like Norway. The original family name was something like Svork - at least nothing like "Davison."
For some reason none of his family knows, when his great grandfather entered from Canada into the US at Minnesota (from Norway - or some similar country - into Canada, then into the US), their name was changed to Davison. Nobody in his family has any idea why.
I found the story really interesting. My family on the French side, was originally from Scotland and named McDougal. And when they emigrated to France, they dropped the Mac and became Dougal - with the French pronunciation. They also then went to Canada and entered the US into Maine.
But, even this young white teller was irritated when I asked his background, and then only assuming a benign white background like Wales.
Someone with dark skin and red hair is going to come from a mixed dark and white background. So, it could be uncomfortable for them to discuss it.
I think part of my boldness in asking people about their backgrounds, is partly because my uncle married a woman he met in Panama when he was in the war or helping with the Panama Canal or something. He brought back a very brown sweet woman into our very white French/Irish family back in the 50's, when mixed marriages were very tricky. I grew up with brown cousins and people speaking Spanish and French and a tiny smattering of Gaelic, along with English, and so to a kid it all seemed quite normal.
But, my French grandmother was never as nice to the brown side of the family and it wasn't until I grew up that I realized why.
Better safe than sorry. But, I understand your fascination with people's genealogical histories. I find it fascinating, too. Some people find our type of interest flattering, others quite the opposite.
I do it, too, especially with interesting names. But a couple of people told me that often the question is a biased code used for trying to find out if someone is Jewish. Which amazed me.
Jews have often Anglicized their last names here in the U.S.
For example, German Jews sometimes made a minor change, such as to drop the second "n" at the end of their name, e.g. Goldmann became Goldman, Liebermann to Lieberman. They also changed the pronunciation from say "Gold MAHN" (with two "n"'s) to "Gold MAN", etc.
I sure hope it's not offensive because I've asked people before when I'm on the phone at work with someone who has an accent and we got into small talk. They've always answered the question and never got angry, so it's hard to tell if they were offended but was nice enough to not show it or if they really weren't offended.
I get offended by everything, so yes, I would be, and I have been. I especially get annoyed when they guess wrong. Or when they guess and then start speaking to me in their language. I know they don't know and can't read my mind to know, but like I said, I get offended by everything anyway.
But if you want a way towards asking, wait until they talk about places they've been to. Location seems to be a good way to segue into asking where they're from. Like when they say, "I've lived in NY for 20 years." "Oh, where are you from originally? Where did you grow up?"
But if you really want to know, start with, "I hope this isn't rude of me, but I was just curious to know where you're from?" Usually if people seem apologetic in the beginning, then I don't feel as vulnerable.
But even if they are offended, hopefully, they can laugh it off or at least hide it.
Yes, it's rude, but I do it anyway. Since starting genealogy, I find it fascinating where people are from. And not just people with accents.
California is a place where people move, that almost everyone I ask isn't from here. Only a handful of people I've met from over the years are native born Californian. Coming from Pennsylvania, and my lineage is Pennsylvanian from before the Revolutionary War, with nearing 20 numbered great grandfathers serving in it, it's kinda wild being here and having people from all over the US and the whole world here... sort of a conversational ice breaker...
But yes...it's rude. I think the reason I get away with it is I'm so happy to hear the story of how they came here, and I'm totally not judging....
I'm mixed Asian/White, so if anyone asks me, I don't mind telling them.
Like me, you have probably been asked this question your entire life. I am used to it. I have had complete strangers come up to me in a store or a restaurant, and say, "What ARE you??" lol. Then they try to guess. Italian? Spanish? South American? Hawaiian? Mexican? Then when I explain the Asian/white mix, they are fascinated. It's never occurred to me to be offended by these types of enquiries. Now that I am older, I just blend into the sea of people who look older. I sort of miss the attention.
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