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He is a neighbor and may well be for a while...sounds like you might be in a retirement community, so you I would think you wouldnt want to cause hard feelings.
I would just keep saying NO. Every single time. Dont answer his phone calls. Dont answer the door. Dont engage in conversations. Simply...cant talk now, bye.
Hopefully he'll get bored enough that he'll find someone else to bother.
I am seriously disgusted with the posts suggesting the the OP is somehow enjoying this because she has not been more forceful in telling this man to leave her alone.
Women, for the most part, are taught since early childhood to be "nice," be "polite," not to make waves, not to make a scene or a fuss. We learn that lesson, and we learn it well. Then, when we apply all of those rules to real life, and find that we are being harassed by some butt cheek who will not take a polite no, we get accused of enjoying the attention?
Please.
OP: stop being nice. He isn't. Unless he is mentally impaired, he knows he is making you uneasy. Tell him to bug off.
Critics in the peanut gallery: ****. Please, just stop.
I agree BobC. OP says "He's really "nice" - whatever THAT means - and she doesn't want to offend him......" Yet he's harassing/stalking her nonstop.
I disagree. The OP probably saw him as a friendly neighbor when she first moved in, and was happy to have the convenient handyman help. Then the situation started to gradually escalate. Then she probably started to wonder, "Is this normal? Am I imagining it, or is this unusual or inappropriate behavior?" Now she knows she wants it to stop, so she's asking us for a perspective, and for suggestions.
And @Catgirl is right on; women are raised to be doormats. That upbringing can put women at risk. They are not taught to be assertive, and to draw boundaries, and if need be--to enforce the boundaries. The OP, like so many women, is lacking in those skills. Now she's in a bit of a fix, and after reading the first few pages of comments, was probably thinking, "Oh, that sounds too harsh. I don't want to go that far". Because that's how women are brainwashed to think.
Hopefully by now, after a few days of reading more comments and discussion, she's beginning to see that when someone is pushy and kind of sneaky, and is ignoring any signals you may give, it's OK to be rude to them! OP, when someone is trying to take advantage of you, and is being pretty aggressive about it, to boot, it's not only ok to push back (or kick, or taze, or call the police), with some people, that's the only language they understand. Anything less will be seen as a green light.
I'm wondering if maybe as a last resort before calling police to report a stalker, the OP might have a girl chat with the neighbor's wife, and kind of apologetically mention that the husband's been calling her several times a day, being careful to mention that she doesn't answer when she sees their number on the caller ID, but that sometimes he even comes over and knocks on the door, and that causes the OP discomfort. Maybe he needs a hobby? But she doesn't want to be his hobby, though she's grateful for the few little handyman jobs he helped her with. But she won't be needing help anymore. The OP could act kind of sheepish about it, so that the wife won't get defensive or angry about it. It's nice to have friendly neighbors, but this is the wrong kind of friendliness.
I disagree. The OP probably saw him as a friendly neighbor when she first moved in, and was happy to have the convenient handyman help. Then the situation started to gradually escalate. Then she probably started to wonder, "Is this normal? Am I imagining it, or is this unusual or inappropriate behavior?" Now she knows she wants it to stop, so she's asking us for a perspective, and for suggestions.
And @Catgirl is right on; women are raised to be doormats. That upbringing can put women at risk. They are not taught to be assertive, and to draw boundaries, and if need be--to enforce the boundaries. The OP, like so many women, is lacking in those skills. Now she's in a bit of a fix, and after reading the first few pages of comments, was probably thinking, "Oh, that sounds too harsh. I don't want to go that far". Because that's how women are brainwashed to think.
Hopefully by now, after a few days of reading more comments and discussion, she's beginning to see that when someone is pushy and kind of sneaky, and is ignoring any signals you may give, it's OK to be rude to them! OP, when someone is trying to take advantage of you, and is being pretty aggressive about it, to boot, it's not only ok to push back (or kick, or taze, or call the police), with some people, that's the only language they understand. Anything less will be seen as a green light.
I'm wondering if maybe as a last resort before calling police to report a stalker, the OP might have a girl chat with the neighbor's wife, and kind of apologetically mention that the husband's been calling her several times a day, being careful to mention that she doesn't answer when she sees their number on the caller ID, but that sometimes he even comes over and knocks on the door, and that causes the OP discomfort. Maybe he needs a hobby? But she doesn't want to be his hobby, though she's grateful for the few little handyman jobs he helped her with. But she won't be needing help anymore. The OP could act kind of sheepish about it, so that the wife won't get defensive or angry about it. It's nice to have friendly neighbors, but this is the wrong kind of friendliness.
Ruth, I am not attacking your or criticizing your in any way but your 4th paragraph clearly demonstrates what you say in your 2nd paragraph. Your suggestions (like lots of others on here) for what the OP should do are right in line with what women are taught. Don't confront. Don't be clear about what you want because it might make someone mad. Don't hurt feelings. Whatever you do, don't **** anybody off.
Whatever it is the OP wants from the neighbor, she needs to be clear about it to him. There's no need to talk to the wife. (In fact, this is probably not the first time she's noticed him act this way.) If the OP doesn't want anything to do with him, she should tell him to take a hike. If she wants to be friends but doesn't want him showing up at her door, she should tell him that. He's stepping way over the line and it's not rude for her to explain to him how she would like their relationship to proceed. His reaction is up to him.
Seriously OP, you should get some mace/bear spray that hangs on your keyring. And then have it with you when you go for walks or are out in the yard, etc. It would not hurt to have several stashed in different areas of your house. He is not acting appropriately. You need have the ability to defend yourself from him or some other creep. Taking a self defense class would be a good idea also.
Ruth, I am not attacking your or criticizing your in any way but your 4th paragraph clearly demonstrates what you say in your 2nd paragraph. Your suggestions (like lots of others on here) for what the OP should do are right in line with what women are taught. Don't confront. Don't be clear about what you want because it might make someone mad. Don't hurt feelings. Whatever you do, don't **** anybody off.
Whatever it is the OP wants from the neighbor, she needs to be clear about it to him. There's no need to talk to the wife. (In fact, this is probably not the first time she's noticed him act this way.) If the OP doesn't want anything to do with him, she should tell him to take a hike. If she wants to be friends but doesn't want him showing up at her door, she should tell him that. He's stepping way over the line and it's not rude for her to explain to him how she would like their relationship to proceed. His reaction is up to him.
Yes, re: your first paragraph, but you see, I was suggesting she talk to the wife, like having a girl chat. There's no need to be confrontational toward the wife. To the contrary, if she were to take the tack of talking to the wife, she'd have to avoid being confrontational, to try to get the wife on her side.
OTOH, if she doesn't want to do that (I think talking to the wife could be her Ace in the hole, and would be completely unexpected from his perspective, but there are other options, for sure), then yes, she needs to be clear and firm with him. I've said that before. And if he persists, she should get the police involved.
You're probably right; deal directly with the perp, himself, in clear terms, rather than get the wife involved.
Looks like quite a few replies advise aggressively alienating him, which I don't think is a good idea.
Start politely saying, when you pick up the phone, "Sorry, but I'm not free, and listen, do me a favor, I'm very often waiting for important calls lately, so I'm trying to cut down on purely sociable ones for the moment."
He can't "insist" you stop by when you're walking. Don't avoid him, because that's a bad pattern. Just wave, and don't slow down. When he starts to ask you something, just say, "Sorry, I can't stop now. Maybe later."
Some of the things he's inviting you to are probably similar. So say that they don't interest you. Just, "You know, garden clubs don't really interest me, thanks." Or just say, "Thanks, but I'm in the middle of some projects, and just not going out much."
Stop answering the door if you're no expecting someone.
And there's a small possibility that his reaching out to you will stop if you reach out to him. Granted, it's a small possibility, but worth a try. Like just a quick call to say, "Just wanted to make sure you knew that Home Depot is having a 50% off sale all week."
You know, maybe one reason he's doing it is because he sees you don't go out much and thinks you may be lonely.
I would not involve the wife, that seems unnecessarily cruel to her.
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