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"Oops, I'm at the grocery store?" Are you in a self-driving car that you are not in control over? That is a strange phrase. Like it was unexpected.
No, what I meant was that I'd been sitting outside the grocery store talking with her - actually listening to her - for quite a while before finally saying, "Sheeze here I am and I have GOT to go in." That has happened over and over again because I generally do not cut anyone off when they're talking with me if I can help it.
That's what made it all the more ironic. If I had a dollar for every 15 minutes I have spent sitting in front of a store or even in my GARAGE talking with her so as not to cut her off, I could probably spend a nice day or two in Cancun.
Right well she was saying to not call when you are driving. she only wants the other calls.
Well, no, that's not what she was saying. She is hypersensitive to anything that she could possibly read as a personal rejection or insult. I swear, if I called her and walked over to the back door and called the dogs in while I was on the phone with her, she'd think I was preferring the dogs over her and take offense.
You didn't mention that in your original post...that you also call her from your home.Why don't you look at the original post and see for yourself.You didn't mention that so that's why I said what I said.Maybe if you were to not have left out that important piece of info..there wouldn't have been any misunderstanding.
Sorry for the misunderstanding but nowhere in the OP did I say that I ONLY call her when I'm driving. That's what she focused on though, and then tied it in to the whole, "in fact, you only call me when it's convenient to YOU" thing.
Sorry for the misunderstanding but nowhere in the OP did I say that I ONLY call her when I'm driving. That's what she focused on though, and then tied it in to the whole, "in fact, you only call me when it's convenient to YOU" thing.
All I can say is maybe try to drop the defensiveness to hear and understand her. I understand the defensiveness and I am not knocking you for it, but at the end of the day you want a better relationship with her and your grandkids.
With mental illness running in your family she might be touched with something and need more from you than your other kids.
I was thinking about you when I went to sleep. I was like man, she has her Mom, her brother, and now an adult child who needs her more than people expect to be needed!
I was thinking that your Mom has the people at the facility and your brother has that program and maybe weaning a bit from them to have more physical and mental energy for your daughter might be in order.
You want Mom and bro to be more self-sufficient and they have help from other sources. Maybe your daughter needs more. IDK what. Go to a counselor together? Anything anyone says can only be food for thought. Because only you know all the details.
In no way was I putting you down saying you remind me of my aunt sometimes. It's only that she will do things like have a big reaction to something I said and maybe I got my words wrong or maybe she just read more into what I was saying and it seems there is no going back. Like you saying 'I just don't call her at all now'. That is what made me draw the comparison in my mind.
However you interpreted it, maybe just go by her words. She doesn't want to be called from the car. I understand why you do it - maybe it's a little like my Mom eating on the phone which she knew I hated but she was worried about calling me back when she was done because then I might be busy and she'd miss talking to me.
Have you asked her why she doesn't like it? You might not get clear answers right away if she has trouble communicating and ends up storing up feelings until she blows. But you might.
This is your daughter that you brought into the world and if your goal is a better relationship, support threads for people to tell you you're right! This is her problem! Might feel good, but it isn't good for the relationship.
I'm sure you are overwhelmed with carrying so many people's water, that is why maybe your Mom and brother maybe need to be set back a little because it seems clear your daughter needs something from you she is not getting.
My goodness, your daughter sounds like a nightmare. I would never call her again until she can treat you with some respect. I know you miss your grand kids and hopefully one day you can see them again but you've got enough on your plate. Positive energy towards you and your mother.
My goodness, your daughter sounds like a nightmare. I would never call her again until she can treat you with some respect. I know you miss your grand kids and hopefully one day you can see them again but you've got enough on your plate. Positive energy towards you and your mother.
But why do brother and mother get so much OF the plate? Doesn't daughter deserve a part on the plate? KA already said she needs some kind of professional help. Mom is getting professional help. She is in a facility that takes care of all her basic needs.
If the daughter were a teen acting out, Mom would certainly look past the behavior to find out what is wrong and how to fix it. At least my parents did. I was being a delinquent, basically. After being a straight A student honors classes all that I just fell off.
School mandated counseling and told my parents 'she is suffering a LOT of pain.'. So, my parents started to look at my behavior differently. Get to the root cause. (which was them). I am not saying KA is the problem, I am just using that as an example.
It would have been negligent for my parents to NOT do that. And with a grown-up, I know it's different, the absolute responsibility is not there. But most parents feel it forever. At least everyone I know.
It's not fair to KA that there is another problematic family member, but it's also not fair for daughter to get shafted due to mother and brother problems.
I can't understand. If one can't count on their own mother, who can they count on? Of course KA couldn't count on hers, and had to make her own way, but KA is not mentally ill. She doesn't have to do that to daughter.
But her brother lives in a facility in another state, I don't think she's giving him as much time as you're presenting here.
I think having a mediation would be great idea. Daughter would have to be willing to have someone else watch the kids and given how long the problem has been occurring, it would have to be on-going so that's a commitment. The big question would be if daughter be willing to do that. KA indicated it doesn't appear that she'd do it. What exactly can KA do at this time, other than trying to deal with her own issues for which she's seeing someone?
I have had the same feeling as your daughter but with a friend of mine. So, from the perspective of a friend who does this...
My friend would call me and start talking about herself. Then, she'd ask me a question about myself, I'd start to answer and she'd arrive at her destination - the dentist for example - and cut me off saying she'd arrived at her destination and had to go.
Then, she wouldn't call me back to find out the rest of the answer to the question she had asked me.
So, I felt like a time-filler. This is not a quality friendship, in my opinion. I felt used and abused and finally told her so and that I didn't want her to call me anymore.
We are mending our relationship and she is making the effort to follow through with our conversations. She makes the effort to call me when she won't have to cut me off and if we do get cut off, she makes the effort to call me back and listen to me.
So, if you cut off your kid regularly, I completely understand why it irritates her. Instead of saying she's being spoiled or unfair, you might want to consider that what you're doing would irritate anyone - kid or not. And change your behavior. Call her when you are at home and can talk for as long as possible. Or be honest and say you're on your way to the dentist and have 10 minutes and does she mind talking with you until you reach your destination.
In other words, respect her needs as well as your own.
Not that you never do, but I can see her side of this argument.
No, what I meant was that I'd been sitting outside the grocery store talking with her - actually listening to her - for quite a while before finally saying, "Sheeze here I am and I have GOT to go in." That has happened over and over again because I generally do not cut anyone off when they're talking with me if I can help it.
That's what made it all the more ironic. If I had a dollar for every 15 minutes I have spent sitting in front of a store or even in my GARAGE talking with her so as not to cut her off, I could probably spend a nice day or two in Cancun.
If you're in your garage you can simply continue talking/listening as you walk into the house.
Sorry, but she sounds like a brat and I wouldn't call her anymore either. If she weren't your daughter would you continue to pursue this relationship or care?
I had a lifelong ''friend'' like this and I just finally stopped emailing, calling, or texting. I got tired of the rudeness. Not worth my time when I have other real friends in my circle who are happy to relate.
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