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Wow. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong but I really don't understand this.
I have four adult kids. One of them, my second, and my youngest daughter, is very easily offended - by anyone, but especially by me. She reads WAY too much emotionalism into everything, I guess because she is a very emotional person. I mean, if she feels it, it's reality. Period. She's definitely someone I'd say fits the phrase, "Perception is reality," because it sure as heck is HER reality, even if it's not anyone else's.
Anyway, among the many things I've apparently done to offend her is this one - and believe it or not, this is a pretty major deal with her:
She is offended because when I have called her in the past, it's been when I'm in my car, on the way somewhere, or when I'm in between tasks. She said, "And then you just have to get off the phone when you get to wherever you're going or have to do whatever. It's like you only call me when it's convenient to YOU." That's right - those were her exact words.
I find this very ironic because believe it or not, unless I was headed for a very strict appointment (not often), I can't even tell you how many times I've sat in a parking lot just talking with her, sometimes for an hour, because we were having a conversation that didn't need to just be cut off. I mean, of course in a light hearted conversation I've occasionally said, "Oops, well here I am at the grocery store - let's pick this up later!" or something like that.
But the thing that really got me about her complaint was that she said, "You only call me when it's convenient to YOU." Well. DUH. Of course I make phone calls when it's convenient to me (within regular daylight hours, just to clarify.) And not only that - I pretty much know my kids' schedules and I don't call them when I know they are likely to be busy (dinner time, getting kids dressed for school, church, etc.).
What am I supposed to do - wait till I'm in the middle of getting a Pap smear and then call her? "Just wanted you to know that it's VERY inconvenient for me to call you so I thought I'd grab this moment right here just so you know I care."
Honestly. I don't get it.
Oh, another thing that offends her about phone calls:
My husband works out of state for several weeks at a time. He can only call me once a day generally, and it needs to be when he is not all wadded up with work. He's a project manager and works 14 hour days, 15 days in a row, when he's gone. So when he calls, I take the call. It may be the only chance we get to talk that day, and often it's not even for a very long time.
So OCCASIONALLY, he will call while I'm on the phone with someone else. If that's the case, I tell them, "Oops, that's my husband calling - let me call you right back." I know I'm not likely to be on the phone with him for a very long time, and I generally CANNOT CALL HIM BACK. Now - everyone in my family and circle of close friends knows this. But this offends my daughter. She considers this an example of me putting him before her - his needs above her needs.
Well, I say it offends my daughter but I guess I need to use past tense in this situation because I simply don't call her anymore. I feel like I'm walking through a minefield every time I talk with her.
But the thing that really got me about her complaint was that she said, "You only call me when it's convenient to YOU." Well. DUH. Of course I make phone calls when it's convenient to me (within regular daylight hours, just to clarify.) And not only that - I pretty much know my kids' schedules and I don't call them when I know they are likely to be busy (dinner time, getting kids dressed for school, church, etc.).
The fact that she felt the need to make the comment tells me that perhaps you aren't as successful as you think at considering whether or not it's a convenient time for her. She apparently feels like you only take your own convenience into consideration, and it's apparently not working for her. Perhaps when you call, start out by asking "is this a good time for you to talk?"
Ok I about choked on my water with the Pap smear comment....hilarious
Based on what you've said before about your daughter she seems to always find ways to pick fights with you. My impression is that she is always going to find any possible negative interpretation. You send her flowers and she'll complain about the fact that you know she hates that color because it was the color of her prom dress that her drunk friend threw up on.
I guess you'll just need to text her in advance and schedule a time that is mutually convenient to have a conversation.
If you wind up in a conversation with her again where she expresses the "your convenience over mine" issue, I would tell her that you would happily call her when she schedules it. Since you are already not calling her, hopefully she is calling you and you can decide WHETHER to answer her call depending upon its convenience for you.
It sounds to me like she is saying she feels far down on your list of priorities. And given the way you've praised your other kids in these forums and always categorized her as difficult and over-emotional...well...
The fact that she felt the need to make the comment tells me that perhaps you aren't as successful as you think at considering whether or not it's a convenient time for her. She apparently feels like you only take your own convenience into consideration, and it's apparently not working for her. Perhaps when you call, start out by asking "is this a good time for you to talk?"
Oh, I do that every time. Well, I used to, because like I said, I just don't call her anymore.
My son is the same way. He is an OTR trucker so I have to be aware of his schedule as he can't talk and drive, then he may be sleeping.
We have a system - I text him first and basically ask permission to call him. Sounds weird but it works. About 90% of our communications are via email which works for us.
It sounds to me like she is saying she feels far down on your list of priorities. And given the way you've praised your other kids in these forums and always categorized her as difficult and over-emotional...well...
Yep, because she IS difficult and over emotional. Honestly, she has hurt me so incredibly that it I told the stories, your hair would probably fall out.
I've praised her too - in fact, I've bragged and bragged about her because there are many things I'm proud of her for. But this past year, she has really done a 180. She did not handle my mom's serious illness or my dad's serious illness and death well at ALL. This is in fact when she started getting very angry with me, as well as accusatory and suspicious. She then hooked up with my mentally ill brother (for awhile anyway, while simultaneously talking down about him though he didn't know it - he thought he was being a supportive uncle to her), and he is actually paranoid due to his mental illness. He and she started cooking up all kinds of sinister plans to accuse me of, that I did NOT have - taking my mom's money, mishandling the situation with her as she moved into assisted living, etc etc etc - some truly terrible accusations with no validity to them.
She even completely changed political parties! She went from voting conservative all her adult life, to voting Democrat and actually dressing her baby in "Black Lives Matter" t-shirts. She is biracial and she began talking about "my people" and "having to support my people" and all that - posting political stuff on social media (which I rarely do and when I do it's in the form of a joke or meme), dressing her girls up for the Women's March, etc. Now - that's all fine if that's what she believes, and I would not criticize that (and HAVEN'T criticized it - to her or anyone other than my husband and now this anonymous thread) or make fun of her or undermine her parental authority in any way, but I bring that up because it's indicative of a big change in her belief system.
I honestly am wondering if part of her issue with me is because I'm a fairly conservative white lady (more libertarian than conservative but that's for another thread).
The last two times she has been to my house, she has been so incredibly rude to me, to my face, that I decided after the first time to ask her to leave if she started it up again, and the second time I actually DID ask her to leave, which was very traumatic because she also had my grandchildren with her. But I am not going to spend hundreds of dollars on a meal, hours preparing it lovingly, setting a table, buying gifts for kids, opening my home hospitably, only to be baited by insults and sarcasm by my own adult daughter - right to my face!
It's a very difficult situation and four grandkids are involved. Yes, the phone situation is the tip of the iceberg.
My mom sends her $50 every month just for "mad money" and she hasn't even called my elderly, sick mom now for six weeks or so, and hasn't even come to see her. I've sent cards and presents to the kids and actually had to send the RECEIPT to them asking them if they'd gotten the presents before they (the kids, not her) called and left me a voice mail saying thank you.
It's really a bad situation. I am wondering if she's lost her mind! And along those lines, the last conversation I had with her, she actually DID say, "Well, maybe I do need to get some help." But apparently she hasn't done that.
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