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Their presumption is outrageous! Multiple weekend visits throughout a game season?! I've never heard of such a thing! ONE visit might be reasonable, if they ask nicely and don't presume. But they want--and EXPECT--to have 30 visits in 5 months?! That takes a lot of nerve. Don't stress out yet, and wait and see if they actually follow through with this outrageous request. If they do, tell them you couldn't possibly manage that, and call their attention to the nearest Motel 6, or whatever the affordable accommodations are in your area.
They haven't really asked anything yet, let alone given a length of time.
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Does BIL have a long standing history of being a taker, always trying to mooch off others?
If not, I'm curious about exactly what was said and if OP perhaps took a joke the wrong way? I could see myself saying something like "Guess I'll be setting up camp in your house!" if I was talking about making a lot of visits to someone's location. But I would never mean it, and would never actually invite myself to stay with someone I hadn't even talked to in years.
You're 70 and want other people , strangers , to manage your life.
Theres never a shortage of people who will get suckered into playing God in your life,
but how about you grow a pair.
Me : 70 year old male, widowed for 8 years. Live in same 4br-2.5 bath house alone. Have always been one to stress over what people think so I have always stressed when we had quest. Even when our grown kids would visit I had to make sure everything was perfect. Sorry, that's just the way I am.
Situation: Brother in-law from several states away (wife's brother) approached me at my granddaughter's wedding recently and said his granddaughter has received an athletic scholarship to a major university within 20 miles of where I live and he implied he and wife will be calling on me to host them when in town. The athletic season of his granddaughter's sport is 5 months long with about 30 home events. I have only been in their company once since my wife died 8 years ago so we are not really close.
My thoughts: after 8 years of living alone I can't imagine having house guest for a week several times for months for 4 years. Some days I am up at 6am and some days I sleep in till 9. I am just not the type of person who could just tell guest to fin for themselves so I would be up early every morning making breakfast/etc. .... I'm not sure I can physically do that for extended periods and even more so I don't think I could do it mentally.
Options: I have been thinking about downsizing for a couple of years but have procrastinated looking at the task of purging a life's worth of stuff and the not knowing for sure where I would go. This has me thinking maybe I need to sell and relocate to another area to avoid the matter all together. I somewhat feel I am running away but can't imagine playing host for years. One way or the other I do need to downsize and sometimes think this might be just the motivation I need.
So: Am I an _sshole and being selfish ?? What would you do ?
You are not being an *******, or selfish, but you are perhaps going to miss some precious family time if you don't let them visit. You might possibly enjoy it.
I am like you, because when I have visitors, I get all stressed out to make things perfect. I also like my schedule and private time. I also realize that at 69, I tend to resist change, even though I know that change is healthy.
If I were you, I would be very frank about guidelines. I assume that you have enough room and would not need to share your bathroom, and would still have personal space.
Tell them up front that you will be glad to try to accommodate them, one time. You will not be cooking or cleaning up after them, and you will not be changing your schedule. If you are comfortable after the first visit, you will perhaps continue.
What I'm saying is, if you refuse you might be missing out on something you really enjoy. The key is honest communication.
I have found that one of the best benefits of getting older is being able to stand up for myself and not get talked into doing things I don't want to do. I used to feel cowed and would agree to things and then dread having to do them. Now it's much easier to just say no.
OP, you don't need to lie or contrive any stories. Tell your relative that you're so happy their daughter is living her dream and you're sure they'll have a great time watching her participate but you're simply not set up to accommodate house guests. Don't apologize or offer any explanation. A simple "That's not going to work out" is all you have to say.
This ^^^. When and if they do call, simply say you are not able to accommodate guests. Wish them well in their visits and say you would be happy to meet them at a restaurant for dinner one evening. You do not seem to have a close relationship and what would you bet they have no interest in seeing you at all, just mooching for free accommodations.
I had a similar problem when DH's sibling and husband had events such as graduations, weddings, showers and other parties at their home a couple of hours away. The hitch was they decided we could be the "hotel" for other out of state family members for all these events, especially as they disliked another sibling and would not have her in their home (actually for good reason but had no problem dumping her on us). One family member was elderly and it was announced to us that the family group would be arriving at our home a WEEK ahead of the event to "rest up". I did this twice to be "nice", handling the cooking, cleaning, entertaining, etc. and then thought what a sap I was.
The next several times we said we were not available for accommodations. We figured if nobody wanted to pay for a motel, that was not our problem. As I predicted, we were asked for our house key as they felt they could stay at our home even though we were not there. DH said we were not comfortable with that as we turn off the water, etc.
My point is do not do anything you are not comfortable with even though some people are incredibly rude and pushy. If it is not enjoyable to you, don't make yourself a martyr. They probably would never do the same for you.
I don't believe anybody who says they are coming to visit unless they have visited before or unless they are somebody I talk to on a regular basis. Don't even worry about it. As for purging your stuff get that done now while it's on your mind so you can get it off your mind. Do it now so when the day comes that you feel like you want to go someplace else you can just go instead of just thinking about it.
I agree with this. My guess is that the dad was just excited about what is happening in his daughter's life, and was kind of bragging.
Chances are, you'll never ever hear from him.
But, if you do, all you have to say is, "Sorry, I'm not up to hosting guests."
Especially if you so rarely see him, don't feel any obligation or that you're being rude.
I also agree with decluttering now, and just take your time with it. The memories things bring back can be difficult to deal with.
Appreciate all the comments and suggestions. I certainly feel better knowing I am not the most evil person in the world for having negative thoughts regarding repeated extended stays. One big positive that has come of this is I have contacted a realtor and will finally address living in a large 4br3b house alone and full of memories that has become harder and harder to maintain.
If I do end up selling/purging/downsizing I really believe it is something that needed to be done and this bump in the road was a blessing to at least get me thinking about addressing the issue.
Appreciate all the comments and suggestions. I certainly feel better knowing I am not the most evil person in the world for having negative thoughts regarding repeated extended stays. One big positive that has come of this is I have contacted a realtor and will finally address living in a large 4br3b house alone and full of memories that has become harder and harder to maintain.
If I do end up selling/purging/downsizing I really believe it is something that needed to be done and this bump in the road was a blessing to at least get me thinking about addressing the issue.
You're 70 and want other people , strangers , to manage your life.
Theres never a shortage of people who will get suckered into playing God in your life,
but how about you grow a pair.
How about you back off.
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