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Old 04-28-2017, 09:19 AM
 
18,172 posts, read 19,916,323 times
Reputation: 26605

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3745 View Post
Me : 70 year old male, widowed for 8 years. Live in same 4br-2.5 bath house alone. Have always been one to stress over what people think so I have always stressed when we had quest. Even when our grown kids would visit I had to make sure everything was perfect. Sorry, that's just the way I am.

Situation: Brother in-law from several states away (wife's brother) approached me at my granddaughter's wedding recently and said his granddaughter has received an athletic scholarship to a major university within 20 miles of where I live and he implied he and wife will be calling on me to host them when in town. The athletic season of his granddaughter's sport is 5 months long with about 30 home events. I have only been in their company once since my wife died 8 years ago so we are not really close.

My thoughts: after 8 years of living alone I can't imagine having house guest for a week several times for months for 4 years. Some days I am up at 6am and some days I sleep in till 9. I am just not the type of person who could just tell guest to fin for themselves so I would be up early every morning making breakfast/etc. .... I'm not sure I can physically do that for extended periods and even more so I don't think I could do it mentally.

Options: I have been thinking about downsizing for a couple of years but have procrastinated looking at the task of purging a life's worth of stuff and the not knowing for sure where I would go. This has me thinking maybe I need to sell and relocate to another area to avoid the matter all together. I somewhat feel I am running away but can't imagine playing host for years. One way or the other I do need to downsize and sometimes think this might be just the motivation I need.

So: Am I an _sshole and being selfish ?? What would you do ?

Meeting someone once in 8 years is a total stranger coming into your house. I would simply say no I'm not able to help you. I don't need to say I'm not feeling good or make up some reason. And I sure as hell am not moving and selling my house.

No. I am unable to accommodate you. There are plenty of hotels that can accommodate your needs.
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Old 04-29-2017, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,610 posts, read 14,218,760 times
Reputation: 30253
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3745 View Post
Appreciate all the comments and suggestions. I certainly feel better knowing I am not the most evil person in the world for having negative thoughts regarding repeated extended stays. One big positive that has come of this is I have contacted a realtor and will finally address living in a large 4br3b house alone and full of memories that has become harder and harder to maintain.

If I do end up selling/purging/downsizing I really believe it is something that needed to be done and this bump in the road was a blessing to at least get me thinking about addressing the issue.
Good for you! Sometimes we need a nudge to do things that are hard, but that do need to be done.
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Old 04-29-2017, 09:43 PM
 
Location: Texas
40 posts, read 72,359 times
Reputation: 81
You aren't selfish or an a hole. Some people are pushy and rude.

Almost the same happened to me. My husband had just died when his brother's daughter was accepted as an athlete to a local university. Our niece is adorable and I love her but her dad is overbearing. I was miserable the 4 years until she graduated. He suggested making unwanted changes to my home to accommodate him.

No, is a complete sentence but I don't like confrontations and I was very vulnerable at that time.
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:57 PM
 
87 posts, read 83,214 times
Reputation: 169
I totally agree with this. Why lie when all you have to do is say no? I have no interest in staying with anyone other than my immediate family when I travel, and I don't host anyone other than my immediate family. I have had people attempt to invite themselves as guests and I ignore them. If they ask, I simply say no.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I have found that one of the best benefits of getting older is being able to stand up for myself and not get talked into doing things I don't want to do. I used to feel cowed and would agree to things and then dread having to do them. Now it's much easier to just say no.

OP, you don't need to lie or contrive any stories. Tell your relative that you're so happy their daughter is living her dream and you're sure they'll have a great time watching her participate but you're simply not set up to accommodate house guests. Don't apologize or offer any explanation. A simple "That's not going to work out" is all you have to say.
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Old 04-30-2017, 03:01 PM
 
Location: PNW
2,474 posts, read 896,521 times
Reputation: 8312
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3745 View Post
Me :

So: Am I an _sshole and being selfish ?? What would you do ?

Me, I would tell the person that I don't like people in my house often, and it would be too much. Which is true for me; in fact, I once gave in to a similar situation and it did not last long before I put the kahash on it. Most of my friends know that I don't like people stay in my house, and last year I told one of my brothers that one week is my limit for visitors.
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Old 04-30-2017, 03:27 PM
 
9,188 posts, read 9,169,503 times
Reputation: 11555
I think Miss Manners would tell you to say:

"Oh, how wonderful for your daughter! I'm sorry, I can't invite you to stay with me, but the Town Hotel is very near the school and would be really convenient for you. And I do hope that we'll be able to get together for some dinners."
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Old 06-18-2017, 08:04 AM
 
3 posts, read 1,907 times
Reputation: 58
Update:

Well blessing sometime come disguised. Right or wrong the drama over becoming an extended stay host did motivate me enough to contact a realtor. Within days I had a young family that loved my house and were willing to accept the fact that it needed a few upgrades. They have a lifetime to create just the house they want. The area's RE market is booming so they are making a great investment.

I located a one level 2 BR TH about a hundred miles away that is perfect. Right on a lake with a boathouse and lift. Unbelievably lucky, I was able to purchase almost all of the sellers belonging and just as lucky the young family buying my house purchased almost all my furniture. This has made the task of purging much easier and will make the physical move a snap.

Without the outside motivation this probably would have never happened. A few sleepless nights right at first regarding the decision but today I am so at peace.
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Old 06-18-2017, 08:12 AM
 
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,488 posts, read 2,052,364 times
Reputation: 9734
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3745 View Post
Update:

Well blessing sometime come disguised. Right or wrong the drama over becoming an extended stay host did motivate me enough to contact a realtor. Within days I had a young family that loved my house and were willing to accept the fact that it needed a few upgrades. They have a lifetime to create just the house they want. The area's RE market is booming so they are making a great investment.

I located a one level 2 BR TH about a hundred miles away that is perfect. Right on a lake with a boathouse and lift. Unbelievably lucky, I was able to purchase almost all of the sellers belonging and just as lucky the young family buying my house purchased almost all my furniture. This has made the task of purging much easier and will make the physical move a snap.

Without the outside motivation this probably would have never happened. A few sleepless nights right at first regarding the decision but today I am so at peace.
Congratulations!!! I'm am so happy that it all worked out for you. Enjoy your new home, it sounds absolutely lovely.
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Old 06-18-2017, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
21,019 posts, read 11,653,839 times
Reputation: 31902
Wow, what an awesome update, so glad things worked out so perfectly - and I love the kindness you clearly feel towards the buyers of your house. You were obviously happy in that house and hopefully they will be as well, and I hope you continue to have a very enjoyable and happy life in your new home, it sounds lovely!
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Old 06-19-2017, 07:06 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,622,157 times
Reputation: 41117
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3745 View Post
Update:

Well blessing sometime come disguised. Right or wrong the drama over becoming an extended stay host did motivate me enough to contact a realtor. Within days I had a young family that loved my house and were willing to accept the fact that it needed a few upgrades. They have a lifetime to create just the house they want. The area's RE market is booming so they are making a great investment.

I located a one level 2 BR TH about a hundred miles away that is perfect. Right on a lake with a boathouse and lift. Unbelievably lucky, I was able to purchase almost all of the sellers belonging and just as lucky the young family buying my house purchased almost all my furniture. This has made the task of purging much easier and will make the physical move a snap.

Without the outside motivation this probably would have never happened. A few sleepless nights right at first regarding the decision but today I am so at peace.
I love updates like this!
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