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Old 04-25-2017, 03:24 PM
 
3 posts, read 1,905 times
Reputation: 58

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Me : 70 year old male, widowed for 8 years. Live in same 4br-2.5 bath house alone. Have always been one to stress over what people think so I have always stressed when we had quest. Even when our grown kids would visit I had to make sure everything was perfect. Sorry, that's just the way I am.

Situation: Brother in-law from several states away (wife's brother) approached me at my granddaughter's wedding recently and said his granddaughter has received an athletic scholarship to a major university within 20 miles of where I live and he implied he and wife will be calling on me to host them when in town. The athletic season of his granddaughter's sport is 5 months long with about 30 home events. I have only been in their company once since my wife died 8 years ago so we are not really close.

My thoughts: after 8 years of living alone I can't imagine having house guest for a week several times for months for 4 years. Some days I am up at 6am and some days I sleep in till 9. I am just not the type of person who could just tell guest to fin for themselves so I would be up early every morning making breakfast/etc. .... I'm not sure I can physically do that for extended periods and even more so I don't think I could do it mentally.

Options: I have been thinking about downsizing for a couple of years but have procrastinated looking at the task of purging a life's worth of stuff and the not knowing for sure where I would go. This has me thinking maybe I need to sell and relocate to another area to avoid the matter all together. I somewhat feel I am running away but can't imagine playing host for years. One way or the other I do need to downsize and sometimes think this might be just the motivation I need.

So: Am I an _sshole and being selfish ?? What would you do ?
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Old 04-25-2017, 08:58 PM
 
Location: NW Indiana
40,156 posts, read 15,119,626 times
Reputation: 102001
I don't think you're being selfish, at least not in a negative sense. I've lived alone my entire life and on the rare occasion I have a house guest (such as last week x 4 days) it totally upsets my apple cart! I am not used to having to consider anyone else when I come and go, what I wear around the house, what sorts of groceries I shop for, when I go to bed or wake up, etc.

It doesn't help that I don't have a guest room and have only have one bathroom. Even so, when overnight guests come it completely changes the host's routine, regardless of the size of their house. My boyfriend has lived alone for over 12 years and he recently bought a house in my neighborhood. We both agreed that it would be too difficult for us to share a home at this point since we are both content living alone. Someone who hasn't lived alone for any length of time may not understand this, but when you're used to living alone it's really difficult to accommodate someone else.

I feel it's way out of line for your brother-in-law to assume you'll house him and his wife whenever they wish to visit with their daughter and attend her athletic events. They should cough up the money for a hotel/motel room.

Perhaps it is time for you to downsize and move, but my feeling is you should not do it simply to have a reason to avoid the situation with your brother-in-law and family. My suggestion is that you refrain from offering to house your wife's relatives and if they come right out and ask you, find a way to politely decline. Be honest and say that you just don't feel up to having overnight guests. Hopefully, they will understand and find other accommodations.

.
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Old 04-25-2017, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,190,006 times
Reputation: 40776
Tell your BIL very honestly that you are not up to hosting guests. Be firm. Do not even let them stay with you one time or they may assume that it is an open invitation.

BTW, you may want to start downsizing. It is a lot easier when you are younger (70 is not old) and in good health than waiting so long that you are unable to do it by yourself.

But, don't downsize and sell your house just to avoid hosting your BIL. Tell him honestly that you are not up to having extended family visit.
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Old 04-25-2017, 09:17 PM
 
Location: Spurs country. "Go, Spurs, Go!"
3,367 posts, read 3,931,923 times
Reputation: 8660
Every time they call, you "are not feeling good." After a few times it may be questioned. Then you can easily say something to the effect of "at my age I have issues and have more "bad" days than good ones." How can anyone be offended when someone of advanced age isn't feeling well enough to host company? Just remember you may see these folks at family functions so respond accordingly about attending.

I do agree with the two previous posters, however, you alone in this big house with plenty of room not allowing "family" to stay on occasion may create major hard feelings, feelings that could or would extend into your family social events, not only with this BIL and his wife but other in-law relationships. This will get reported throughout the family lines and you will be the bad guy.
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Old 04-25-2017, 09:32 PM
 
1,612 posts, read 735,116 times
Reputation: 8804
First, let's get this out of the way: You are not an _sshole or being selfish – well, maybe selfish in the right way which is self-preservation.

Since it didn't sound like the brother-in-law has actually come right out and asked, work on formulating your answer now. You don't have to jump the gun and tell him anything until he presents a plan. But I'd get my ducks in a row to be ready for it.

I can't imagine that they would come frequently during the sporting season from several states away, but no matter. If you do not want to host them even once, it is entirely your call. I can't see where you have any obligation to do so.

I don't think you have to get too specific with him. "Bill, I'm sorry, but my life circumstances are such that I will be unable to host you and Betty. I'm very happy for Young Grasshopper and hope she has a great season." Hopefully, he won't push. And if they don't like it ... in the long run, have you lost anything, really? It doesn't sound like these folks have ever been close.

I will say that downsizing is a good thing to get started. But don't jump and run just because of this issue (which may not materialize) if your home is still working for you.

Good luck!

Last edited by CatzPaw; 04-25-2017 at 09:56 PM..
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Old 04-25-2017, 09:38 PM
 
1,168 posts, read 2,392,305 times
Reputation: 3485
I agree with the response that said don't do it even ONE time, what an awkward position for your BIL to put you in- HE is the rude pushy one- you don't need to give him any excuses either- NO is a complete sentence.

If he pushes you as to why just say you have a health issue that is aggravated by stress-

geez so many cheap rude pushy people in this world!
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Old 04-25-2017, 09:53 PM
 
Location: Tampa Bay Burbs
108 posts, read 139,410 times
Reputation: 150
I don't believe anybody who says they are coming to visit unless they have visited before or unless they are somebody I talk to on a regular basis. Don't even worry about it. As for purging your stuff get that done now while it's on your mind so you can get it off your mind. Do it now so when the day comes that you feel like you want to go someplace else you can just go instead of just thinking about it.
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Old 04-25-2017, 11:15 PM
 
Location: Boston
3,732 posts, read 1,453,427 times
Reputation: 5796
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3745 View Post
Me : 70 year old male, widowed for 8 years. Live in same 4br-2.5 bath house alone. Have always been one to stress over what people think so I have always stressed when we had quest. Even when our grown kids would visit I had to make sure everything was perfect. Sorry, that's just the way I am.

Situation: Brother in-law from several states away (wife's brother) approached me at my granddaughter's wedding recently and said his granddaughter has received an athletic scholarship to a major university within 20 miles of where I live and he implied he and wife will be calling on me to host them when in town. The athletic season of his granddaughter's sport is 5 months long with about 30 home events. I have only been in their company once since my wife died 8 years ago so we are not really close.

My thoughts: after 8 years of living alone I can't imagine having house guest for a week several times for months for 4 years. Some days I am up at 6am and some days I sleep in till 9. I am just not the type of person who could just tell guest to fin for themselves so I would be up early every morning making breakfast/etc. .... I'm not sure I can physically do that for extended periods and even more so I don't think I could do it mentally.

Options: I have been thinking about downsizing for a couple of years but have procrastinated looking at the task of purging a life's worth of stuff and the not knowing for sure where I would go. This has me thinking maybe I need to sell and relocate to another area to avoid the matter all together. I somewhat feel I am running away but can't imagine playing host for years. One way or the other I do need to downsize and sometimes think this might be just the motivation I need.

So: Am I an _sshole and being selfish ?? What would you do ?
You're 70 and want other people , strangers , to manage your life.
Theres never a shortage of people who will get suckered into playing God in your life,
but how about you grow a pair.
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Old 04-25-2017, 11:44 PM
 
5,048 posts, read 6,898,532 times
Reputation: 4146
"implied he and wife will be calling on me to host them"

Doesn't bode well. May be he thought you have a big house, you live close by, etc. Still, it's your house.

Have a couple of pat answers so you're not caught off guard and don't hesitate.

Go with that for a while before you think about selling. You may be thinking of selling now because of your BIL. And then you may regret that once you do move. So get past this push BIL thing a while and then see what you want to do about moving.
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Old 04-26-2017, 12:34 AM
 
Location: In a state of mind
5,998 posts, read 6,805,107 times
Reputation: 11284
Just tell them you aren't in a position to do that. And explain where the hotel is.

NOBODY stays in my house overnight who isn't in the same bed. And that goes for my wife too!

We are rich, and relatives like my MIL we put up at our cost in a nice suite nearby. But nobody stays over.
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