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I have tried to approach this with the spouse who chided me and its sort of gotten worse. I explained that I have no desire to offend or humiliate anyone, and I try to be very considerate with making them comfortable in my home. To be honest, I guessed on the weight limit of the furniture. I would not be comfortable asking "how much do you weigh"? I am willing to concede that I had underestimated and not hold them responsible for anything- I didn't even bring up the repair or replacement of the sofa in any way. I did return the broken sofa to the manufacturer and they should give me a refund as it was within the return window.
The spouse said that I am not "sensitive" to their issues and recalled that a few years ago I had invited them on trip in which I wanted to travel by plane. There was the option to drive, but it was a 2.5 hour plane ride versus an 18 hour car ride, and I had not been interested in the car ride. This person had been simmering about this as it came out that the other member of the couple would have needed to buy two plane seats and was too embarrassed to do so. I hadn't known that and ended up taking the trip myself, puzzled as to why they were so strange about it until the spouse explained after the trip was over. After that incident, I have tried to be more open to their circumstances (hence buying a sofa rated to hold their weight) but the collapse of the sofa pointed out that I am not as sensitive as this person thinks I should be. There is resentment that has been going on under the surface and I don't think the conversation helped much.
I hadn't known that and ended up taking the trip myself, puzzled as to why they were so strange about it until the spouse explained after the trip was over. After that incident, I have tried to be more open to their circumstances (hence buying a sofa rated to hold their weight) but the collapse of the sofa pointed out that I am not as sensitive as this person thinks I should be. There is resentment that has been going on under the surface and I don't think the conversation helped much.
It shows that they expect everyone to bend to their needs instead of accepting their own reality and working around it themselves.
It shows that they expect everyone to bend to their needs instead of accepting their own reality and working around it themselves.
They could have driven and met you there.
Had you not invited them at all I bet you would have been chided even still.
Well said.
It's selfish that the couple expect you to dedicate your life around the obese one's bad choices.
I'm sure you're far from the only one they treat this way.
It's wrong on so many levels.
I'm not trying to be rude.. but what if they had a friend who wasn't financially in a position to buy an extra piece of furniture to accomodate the weight - what then?
Or do they expect all their friends and family to plan their decorating around them?
I have tried to approach this with the spouse who chided me and its sort of gotten worse. I explained that I have no desire to offend or humiliate anyone, and I try to be very considerate with making them comfortable in my home.
The spouse said that I am not "sensitive" to their issues and recalled that a few years ago I had invited them on trip in which I wanted to travel by plane. There was the option to drive, but it was a 2.5 hour plane ride versus an 18 hour car ride, and I had not been interested in the car ride. This person had been simmering about this as it came out that the other member of the couple would have needed to buy two plane seats and was too embarrassed to do so.
After that incident, I have tried to be more open to their circumstances (hence buying a sofa rated to hold their weight) but the collapse of the sofa pointed out that I am not as sensitive as this person thinks I should be. There is resentment that has been going on under the surface and I don't think the conversation helped much.
These must be very close family members for you to continue to try so hard to do things "right."
I honestly cannot see what more you can do. Or should.
They seem to have unrealistic expectations – without actually knowing themselves how these expectations can be accommodated to their satisfaction. I fear nothing will appease them.
It's one thing to continue to try when someone will acknowledge your good faith effort and that they also bear some responsibility. Barring that, I don't know how you go forward.
Had you not invited them at all I bet you would have been chided even still.
Well said.
It's selfish that the couple expect you to dedicate your life around the obese one's bad choices.
I'm sure you're far from the only one they treat this way.
It's wrong on so many levels.
I'm not trying to be rude.. but what if they had a friend who wasn't financially in a position to buy an extra piece of furniture to accomodate the weight - what then?
Or do they expect all their friends and family to plan their decorating around them?
In fairness to them, they really really helped us through a very rough time, dropping everything to be by our sides as we suffered through the extended illness and loss of a child as well as my own health scare. They were the only family who were so dedicated as other members couldn't even be bothered to show up at the funeral. There is history here. Lots in the "emotional bank account" so to speak.
But yes, I agree that there has to be some balance. I am sure they feel like they did a lot for us and they did. So from their vantage point, we may seem insensitive. I have not struggled with my weight in this way, so they think I don't have any clue. I do sometimes feel held hostage by not having had that experience, and I am told that I can't possibly relate or understand. So I think I try to overcompensate.
In fairness to them, they really really helped us through a very rough time, dropping everything to be by our sides as we suffered through the extended illness and loss of a child as well as my own health scare. They were the only family who were so dedicated as other members couldn't even be bothered to show up at the funeral. There is history here. Lots in the "emotional bank account" so to speak.
But yes, I agree that there has to be some balance. I am sure they feel like they did a lot for us and they did. So from their vantage point, we may seem insensitive. I have not struggled with my weight in this way, so they think I don't have any clue. I do sometimes feel held hostage by not having had that experience, and I am told that I can't possibly relate or understand. So I think I try to overcompensate.
From here, it sounds a lot like emotional blackmail. I'm sure you have expressed your appreciation many times for their support during a terrible time. But in the end, it was YOUR child that died, not theirs. It was YOUR health scare, not theirs. While one cannot minimize the importance of support during times of crisis like this -- it does NOT give someone free rein to blame you and make you feel bad for "failing" to go above and beyond -- which you already DID, by researching your furniture choices with this person in mind. It crossed a line.
This is not a "struggle with weight", BTW. Someone this obese, barring rare metabolic or gastrointestinal disorders, is dealing with an eating disorder of some sort. You don't have to "understand" why they are obese -- in fact, there seems to have been quite enough "understanding" and not enough "tough love" to encourage the obese relative to reclaim the quality of their life. If they aren't willing to do that, in the form of therapy and learning to make better choices in food and lifestyle, those are THEIR choices, NOT YOURS and your furniture purchases should be the LAST thing that they criticize.
So how about next time they come to your house you speak with the spouse first and mention how embarrassed you were last time <insert name> broke your sofa and you don't want it to happen again. Ask them if he/she has any suggestions as to what you can do to accommodate this person. Surely they have run into this with other people they've visited?
How does this person get around - they must have to use a wheelchair, yes? Hopefully this is the case and they can sit in the wheelchair when they visit (or a walker with a seat). You certainly can't be running around buying new furniture every time they visit!
I understand they've been there for you in tough times, but I think the spouse chiding you for your insensitivity is a bit OTT.
In fairness to them, they really really helped us through a very rough time, dropping everything to be by our sides as we suffered through the extended illness and loss of a child as well as my own health scare. They were the only family who were so dedicated as other members couldn't even be bothered to show up at the funeral. There is history here. Lots in the "emotional bank account" so to speak.
But yes, I agree that there has to be some balance. I am sure they feel like they did a lot for us and they did. So from their vantage point, we may seem insensitive. I have not struggled with my weight in this way, so they think I don't have any clue. I do sometimes feel held hostage by not having had that experience, and I am told that I can't possibly relate or understand. So I think I try to overcompensate.
Even if they were the best friends in the world when you really needed them, it doesn't mean that you will always automatically comprehend the issues brought about by their obesity. On the issue of the trip by plane, how would you know at what point someone needs to buy two tickets? I think they had the responsibility of pointing that out to you. And it sounds like you would have been sensitive to that and would have tried to accommodate their needs.
It's one thing to be sensitive, but it's another thing to be expected to read someone's mind about possible accommodations. They have some responsibility to make their needs known.
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