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Yes, I consider it toxic in a way.
I posted about someone like this recently. Always playing devil's advocate whenever I talked to her about a problem, or tried to point out how I was actually wrong, or it was my fault....it went on and on.
This is not a friendship, really. It's an association with someone but they aren't being a friend to you.
A real friend would at least try to understand your point of view.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
35,629 posts, read 17,961,729 times
Reputation: 50652
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC
Seriously, stop. You give this lecture on every thread.
If someone can't handle the responses they get on a thread that THEY started, or as you say "the internet", they shouldn't be here. The world is not one big hug.
Should we close down the whole forum?
I don't do this on every thread. Only threads where the OP makes a reasoned, thought-out post and then several jump his throat for nothing, and the OP continues to defend the original post, and then more people pile on who haven't read and don't understand the responses, and it turns into a shredding party.
Which is what will happen here if the OP tries to further defend his original concerns about this friend.
Non-toxic people are able to understand the concept of reciprocity in a relationship. There is give and take, and it's balanced. Toxic people are only TAKE. So, you're waiting for your friend to give back, but she is INCAPABLE of this because of her own issues. Your need for validation, she sees as a weakness, a vulnerability, an opening for her to gain access to your feelings and make you feel "less than". You can't trust her because she only cares about herself and gaining control over YOU.
So, I have a friend who i have noticed, has seemingly made a consious choice to not say anything positive about me and in particular my appearance. She text me daily, so its a fairly close friendship and its also the reason i was able to tell she is doing this.
An example, of how criticism is she will see a pic of me on vacation and say my posture sucks and people are going to think im really insecure. and start giving me tips on posture.
Another example is how she refers to all my past relationshps as flings due to the duration ( 6 months to 1.5 years) and how its going to take a special woman for me to be in a relationship
An examples of completely refusing to validate and i know the conversation is childish, but i think it illustrates my point
1. Ex Gf sent me a kind of ****ty message looking for attention. I told my friend about it, the conversation went like this.
her "Well, if she is really acting and saying the things you say she is..."
me "What do mean if i say so? I sent you the text"
her" Well, it looks like you initiated the conversation, so just stop reaching out"
me"The text clearly shows she initiated it. i didnt even reply"
her "it was probably an accident"
me "she said my name"
her "Well, if people are treating you like this, its probably because of how you treated them"
She is the one who initiates most of our conversations/hangouts. So, i have someone actively pursuing a friendship with me and is fun to hang out with.
Would you consider this type of behavior toxic? Or is it me being sensitive? I've never been interested in dating this woman due to 14 years age difference(and vice versa), but i guess i am considering the reason im souring on the friendship is because she refuses to give me any validation .
Personally, I feel the word "toxic" is thrown about rather willy-nilly. Her behavior will not kill you. Yes, it is irritating to you.
Just because you text daily does not make for a "close friendship." But based on the information presented in the original post, it appears she's not being much of a friend to you.
Non-toxic people are able to understand the concept of reciprocity in a relationship. There is give and take, and it's balanced. Toxic people are only TAKE. So, you're waiting for your friend to give back, but she is INCAPABLE of this because of her own issues. Your need for validation, she sees as a weakness, a vulnerability, an opening for her to gain access to your feelings and make you feel "less than". You can't trust her because she only cares about herself and gaining control over YOU.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mesmer
It's almost like she's negging you. Ditch her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatzPaw
Personally, I feel the word "toxic" is thrown about rather willy-nilly. Her behavior will not kill you.
Just because you text daily does not make for a "close friendship." But based on the information presented in the original post, it appears she's not being much of a friend to you.
It's not so much the devil advocate behavior that she does. I have friends like that and i just never ask them questions or tell them things that will trigger that behavior.
It's more so the negged feeling. its more so the cumalitive effect of it all though. Its a combination of criticising and then refusing to like say something nice even when it is awkward to do so.
for example, someone said something ****ty to me a while back.
I told her about it and how it really bothered me. and asked her about if she thought it were true.
her response was " I wonder what they would say about me"
so its one of those things, i feel like she is refusing to say nice **** to pump me up as she almost does want to "neg" me and feel lesser.
Toxic, OP. Nutty, if you ask me. So....where does the "friendship" part of it come in? What you've told us does not describe friendship. With friends like this, who needs enemies?
I do not believe this is healthy and being on the receiving end of such behavior usually takes a toll. There are some people who just like feeling superior and being in control. I have seen people like that cultivate "friendships" which feeds into it.
I find people who seek validation to be...well, I wouldn't go so far as to call them 'toxic', but irritating.
And insecure.
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