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I find people who seek validation to be...well, I wouldn't go so far as to call them 'toxic', but irritating.
And insecure.
I kind of agree.
I can't think of one person that has made a point to compliment me (or validate) my appearance or whatever. I do occasionally tell a coworker that I like something they are wearing, or their new hair style is flattering, but I certainly do not wait around for them to give me back a compliment.
I can't think of one person that has made a point to compliment me (or validate) my appearance or whatever. I do occasionally tell a coworker that I like something they are wearing, or their new hair style is flattering, but I certainly do not wait around for them to give me back a compliment.
From the OP's example I don't think it is a lack of validation as much as
the friend being negative & oppositional about every little thing.
I don't need compliments, but I wouldn't want a friend that is so negative
and critical.
I can't think of one person that has made a point to compliment me (or validate) my appearance or whatever. I do occasionally tell a coworker that I like something they are wearing, or their new hair style is flattering, but I certainly do not wait around for them to give me back a compliment.
Yes.
But the OP posted about someone who goes out of her way to make hostile comments, in the name of friendship.
Why? Who cares? This isn't the Jerry Springer Show. The OP is having a serious issue with this person, as others have mentioned this so-called friend is toxic. No reason for Batman to get the Joker out of jail to hear what he has to say about things, he's in jail for a reason and belongs there. The OP needs to disassociate this person out of their life immediately. I have friends I've know for decades and not once have any of them made those kind of comments to me, nor have I do them. This is why we are friends.
I don't know why people like you consider someone else's personality disorder to be valid and people should be up to the challenge of dealing with them. That is not what friendship is about or based on. That's a truly dysfunctional relationship.
Exactly, and as we get older we have less patience for this type of behavior.
You don't have to put up with people treating you badly or waste your time trying to "fix them".
Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237
br242,
There is no doubt that this person is critical and negative.
The real question is, What will you do with that information ?
I suspect you need to do some work in the area of healthy boundaries.
Someone with strong boundaries would have called the "friend" out on her
responses from the start. That allows people to either shape up or leave.
Letting people know when they are crossing your healthy boundaries
does help others respect you and can actually save a relationship in some cases.
I learned late in life how boundaries work and it would have helped me in my
younger years to stay clear of certain people, but it would have also helped
some of my relationships to have been healthier I think.
If you value this friend, have a heart to heart and tell her in order to stay friends she has to cut out the
negative stuff.
A heart to heart? LOL.
Did you not read what the OP wrote? This isn't one or two incidents, this is all the time. Every thing they do is picked apart. It's not like they went out for an evening and friend said their outfit was ugly, this is all the time. All the time.
This "friend" is someone who gets off on belittling others. It has to do with their own insecurties and most likely has a deep seated resentment towards the person they're directing it on. Usually jealous of them.
You don't have a heart to heart with someone like this, you cut ties with them.
You don't have a heart to heart with someone like this, you cut ties with them.
No, YOU don't have a heart to heart, I however would have the talk.
Even if the friendship is over at least the other person can get some feedback about their
bad habits.
No, YOU don't have a heart to heart, I however would have the talk.
Even if the friendship is over at least the other person can get some feedback about their
bad habits.
They don't care about their bad habits. That's who they are, they're toxic. This is on purpose.
They get off on making people feel bad about themselves, by having a talk with them, you're showing that you find their constant put downs upsetting, they will be gleeful. They're not going to say "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was doing this". They know exactly what they're doing.
It would be different if it was a one or two time thing, but this is constant.
It's on purpose, you might as well tell your couch that it needs to change colors, the results will be the same, it ain't gonna happen.
You cut ties for your own sanity and self preservation.
They don't care about their bad habits. That's who they are, they're toxic. This is on purpose.
They get off on making people feel bad about themselves, by having a talk with them, you're showing that you find their constant put downs upsetting, they will be gleeful. They're not going to say "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was doing this". They know exactly what they're doing.
You cut ties for your own sanity and self preservation.
They'll say "you're so sensitive" or similar, immediately pushing back any responsibility from themselves.
They'll say "you're so sensitive" or similar, immediately pushing back any responsibility from themselves.
Exactly, one poster mentioned earlier the term "gaslighting", they will also do this. Tell you that what actually occurred and what was said never happened when you bring it up. Even though that is exactly what happened.
You can't win with them, and will go insane trying to reason with them. Only solution is limited contact or no contact.
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