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Old 05-09-2017, 06:22 AM
 
908 posts, read 525,231 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Wow, that is a shame.

But it is his choice. You have to let him live with it.

Don't pout and make things worse by staying away from the things you ARE invited to. Instead, model for him the gracious way to act. Show him a GOOD example of including family instead of a bad example of folding your arms and staying home. That certainly won't make him miss you.

If you stay away, you'll only be punishing yourself.
This. I am amazed at how selfish and short-sighted couples are today when getting married. Weddings used to be a way of joining families together. Who you had in your wedding party was a way of honoring them for your big day, it was not all about you. Your family will always remain your family no matter what the relationship but friends can come and go. The truth is for most people you can look at your wedding photo years later and you won't even be in contact with the friends you had in your wedding party (happened to me). That's why it's important to not be so short sighted. But for OP I'd say try to let it go.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:25 AM
 
1,052 posts, read 654,953 times
Reputation: 3164
It's not really worth getting so upset. It's just one day. Its certainly not worth creating a rift between you and your son the size of the grand canyon over it.

My suggestion is that you go to the food tasting, enjoy the experience, and just let it go. If the brothers decide to let this ruin their relationship then so be it.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:26 AM
 
13,148 posts, read 20,735,671 times
Reputation: 35366
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Wow, that is a shame.

But it is his choice. You have to let him live with it.

Don't pout and make things worse by staying away from the things you ARE invited to. Instead, model for him the gracious way to act. Show him a GOOD example of including family instead of a bad example of folding your arms and staying home. That certainly won't make him miss you.

If you stay away, you'll only be punishing yourself.
I agree. And it is a shame.

I wonder if your other sons are married? I have 4 brothers, and the 3 single ones were in our wedding party, but we didn't ask the eldest, married brother, the thought being he would want to be with his wife for the day. Also, his daughter was our flower girl, so his family was represented.

I predict this may be the first of several issues that crop up during the planning. Our son's wedding was one of the most stressful events of my life. Support your son on his big day, and try to let the hurt go.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:33 AM
 
1,585 posts, read 1,419,498 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by halfdozen12 View Post
I am wondering about something. My son is getting married and he is having 3 of his friends in the wedding and his fiance's sister's husband. He has 3 brothers and none of them are included in the wedding. The 2 are closest to him in age are upset about it. They had been close although now he spends more time at his future in-laws. His brother just older than him is pretty upset because he was sure he would be in the wedding. Two of his friends area already married and the one who had my son in the wedding decided to have his own brothers as his co-best men. At the time my son was upset but I told him family comes first. His other friend had my son as just an usher and had his wife's brother as the only groomsman. I tried to talk to my son and tell him he hurt his brothers. He ended up screaming at me and telling me that it is his wedding and he can do what he wants. I even suggested to maybe consider asking another couple. His fiance has lots of friends. She has 2 sisters who are both in the wedding. She will have 2 of her friends in the wedding. Am I just being unrealistic? He invited my husband and myself to go to the food testing but because of this we are now not going. He seems to be acting like his family is not good enough for him anymore. We are all pretty hurt and it will be extremely hard to even go to the wedding now. At this point I don't think I can get through it. Any advice?
Wow, thinking of not going to your son's wedding because he did not choose the people you want to be in his wedding.

You do realize this wedding is not about you, your husband, or his brothers?

Mom, your son is not a baby anymore and can decide how he wants to conduct an event, that in actuality does not involve you. Sit there and be happy your son found someone who loves him and he loves.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:35 AM
 
Location: Florida
3,237 posts, read 4,558,838 times
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So you want to make his wedding about someone else other than him and his bride?

You want to make it about you and his brothers?

I wonder what can go wrong

I'm sure he ended up "screaming" at you. You sound illogical. Neither my parents or sister were in my wedding though my niece was one of the flower girls. No one seemed to make a big deal out of it.
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Old 05-09-2017, 06:53 AM
 
Location: Texas or Cascais, Portugal
3,407 posts, read 3,169,568 times
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I understand how you feel. I think leaving his brothers out says something about who and what he values in his life. When I got married I had one of my brothers to be my best man, NOT because I didn't have a best friend, but because family is forever and I think that should be recognized. My best friend is still my friend but like most friendships it has changed over the years. But my brothers will always be my brothers.
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:15 AM
 
9,930 posts, read 3,969,377 times
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Reading the OP made my stomach hurt. I disagree with those who say "it's his wedding, his choice". That's true of a LOT of things about a wedding - the venue, the food, the vows, the choice of receptions, whether or not to serve alcohol, time of day, goes on and on. So many choices for the bride and groom to consider.

To snub people who are typically in a place of honor is a different thing.

This young man is foolish and in love and thinks his actions have no consequences. Well, they do. Hurt feelings last a lifetime. Snubs, where you've been fully warned that feelings are hurt but you didn't change your mind and include people that have every reason to be included, last a lifetime.

This will continue, OP. When they have their first child they will use that also as a time to reject you. You don't have an ally in his bride, either, or your sons would be in the wedding. But it would be extremely gracious and healing if they did. Just put him last in line. Opposite the least attractive bridesmaid. JK. ;D Most brides try to build bridges and advocate for family unity. This one isn't one of those.

I'm so sorry this is happening. In my observation, some families have one kid whose nose is all out of joint and inexplicably they feel like they haven't been given a fair shake in the family. It comes as a surprise to all the other family members, and these people marry and their spouse supports them in being rejecting.

Best wishes. I think at this point, you know what he's made of and can expect his brothers not to include him in their weddings.

Last edited by ClaraC; 05-09-2017 at 07:24 AM..
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:21 AM
 
9,930 posts, read 3,969,377 times
Reputation: 25120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Army_Guy View Post
So you want to make his wedding about someone else other than him and his bride?

You want to make it about you and his brothers?

I wonder what can go wrong

I'm sure he ended up "screaming" at you. You sound illogical. Neither my parents or sister were in my wedding though my niece was one of the flower girls. No one seemed to make a big deal out of it.
Your parents weren't in your wedding? As in, your mother didn't serve in the usual function of "mother of the groom" and get escorted up the aisle by a groomsman? They didn't host a rehearsal dinner the evening before? I guess not every family seems as connected as others. I haven't seen a wedding where living parents weren't honored in the function of parents of the bride and parents of the groom, etc.

People sometimes misunderstand the purpose of a wedding. The purpose of a wedding isn't the party and the pretty clothes and the one hell of a party afterwards.

The purpose of a wedding is for a couple to stand before their community, with their family and dearest friends standing with them, to announce they intend to form a marriage and stick together for a lifetime for better or worse. Those standing with them are signaling to the community that they agree this is a good match and promise to support them in this commitment.

It's not about it's MY DAY and I'll hurt whoever I want because this is all about me me me.
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:23 AM
 
1,436 posts, read 1,114,403 times
Reputation: 4792
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22 View Post
This. I am amazed at how selfish and short-sighted couples are today when getting married. Weddings used to be a way of joining families together. Who you had in your wedding party was a way of honoring them for your big day, it was not all about you. Your family will always remain your family no matter what the relationship but friends can come and go. The truth is for most people you can look at your wedding photo years later and you won't even be in contact with the friends you had in your wedding party (happened to me). That's why it's important to not be so short sighted. But for OP I'd say try to let it go.
I disagree a wedding is for the bride and groom. It's their business who gets to do what. It's always preferable to try to include your family in YOUR big day but ultimately it's YOUR day. The OP and her husband were asked to participate but the OP got mad and declined. That decision will color her relationship with her son and DIL from now on.
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Old 05-09-2017, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Raleigh, North Carolina
2,086 posts, read 1,074,621 times
Reputation: 3997
Have to wonder if the decision not to include the brothers was an idea floated by the fiance? OP, what is the relationship like with your future DIL? What is your other sons' relationship like with her?

The wedding day is primarily for the bride and groom, but more the bride than the groom. It could be that she is calling the shots and picked out the wedding party for your son. It would certainly explain why he reacted the way that he did.
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